day one
its day one. it hasnt fully hit me yet. i dont think it will...but its day one of survival without you. first day in the past 4 years that we havent talked. i hate it. i hate this. i cant believe that its over. i hate this. i keep playing things over and over in my mind. im in such a depressive state and tomorrow is christmas. what am i thinking bout during this? how you will be at work and not with me. how we will not be an us again. when will this be less painful? when will the crying stop? i cant beleive its actually done. this is so painful so hard how am i gonna be able to face my family. god i miss you so much...i miss us, i cant beleive we got to that point. that we lost what we once had. how did this happen? i look at all these scenes in our relationship and i am just screaming at myself thinking what are you doing?? shut up! be grateful for what you have! now its too late. i cant change this i cant. there is nothing i can do to change your mind on this. its my fault. you cant ever bet on forever i was so naive. im so hopeless. you fell out of love...so what am i suppose to do? cuz im still standing here in love with you and i cant do a damn thing about it. why does this come in waves? why does it hit me that you just arent in love with me and dont want to be with me that way anymore. how am i fine one minute than uncontrollable crying two seconds later... i hate that ive made you feel the way you've been feeling that i couldnt do anything and only made it worse. i hate that ive caused the person i've loved so much such pain. so i listen to our song over and over...this self-loathing is so its just making me dig a deeper hole of depression. the fact that we are both so torn up and crying about this. that i had to sit there and ball your eyes out in front of me i just dont understand how you could just end this. this cant be over it cant. i cant do this. i really cant i dont know how i can survive without you there. god im so stupidly and painfully dependent on you. im such a masochist. i put myself deeper into this self loathing pain. i reali bring some of it on myself...i ask you to kiss me one last time last night, knowing the answer. your kiss on my forehead was still soothing....i hate that we are going through this thing and you dont have anyone to talk to. i hate that i really do. i want to be that person for you but iknow i cant. what am i suppose to do when i cant talk to you everyday. what am i suppose to do? i am at a real loss here.
day one. just as painful as 12am december 23. just as painful as 5:30-9:30pm december 23. day one came in waves today, in bed...in the shower crying...at the xmas party...talking to rhianna....talking to anyone....how am i suppose to go on with my everyday schedule without you? i dont know how to do that. i dont know how to function without you in my life...i know its temporary but i still hate it and i know it's never gonna be the same. i hate that also. i thought we'd be together forever...sad isnt it. i never thot we'd even have the words break up in our vocabulary what it dealt with the two of us. i thot we were gonna be the lily and marshall of our group stupid huh. i dont know if imma be able to deal with telling people i cant i realy cant. i cant handle telling a majority of ppl about this. cuz i always thot we were meant to be. i thot you would be my one and only. funny thing i know i could never hate you. i know that you say that i have a heart of gold and that im a better person and that i shouldnt blame myself but u know me and u know that i completely do.
how did i lose you. how'd i manage to screw up the best and most serious relationship i've ever had in my life? how did i make you fall out of love with me. how did i manage to love you more than i thot i could ever manage to love anyone in my life? how did i give you everything of me and still have this end so civilized and so hard and ughhh
goddamnit i hate this so much its xmas and im sitting here typing about this. i hate feeling like this i hate that we havent talked at all today. i hate myself for screwing this up. i hate that all we will ever be is best friends and someone who will always be there for me is the best we are ever gonna do again. i hate that i fell in love with my best friend to have him fall out of love with me. but the thing about all of it is that i could never hate you. and i hate that im so hopelessly in love with you still....tho it prolly wouldnt change the way i feel.
so to sum it all up....day one sucked...and i feel like its gonna be pretty much downhill for a long while...
day one. just as painful as 12am december 23. just as painful as 5:30-9:30pm december 23. day one came in waves today, in bed...in the shower crying...at the xmas party...talking to rhianna....talking to anyone....how am i suppose to go on with my everyday schedule without you? i dont know how to do that. i dont know how to function without you in my life...i know its temporary but i still hate it and i know it's never gonna be the same. i hate that also. i thought we'd be together forever...sad isnt it. i never thot we'd even have the words break up in our vocabulary what it dealt with the two of us. i thot we were gonna be the lily and marshall of our group stupid huh. i dont know if imma be able to deal with telling people i cant i realy cant. i cant handle telling a majority of ppl about this. cuz i always thot we were meant to be. i thot you would be my one and only. funny thing i know i could never hate you. i know that you say that i have a heart of gold and that im a better person and that i shouldnt blame myself but u know me and u know that i completely do.
how did i lose you. how'd i manage to screw up the best and most serious relationship i've ever had in my life? how did i make you fall out of love with me. how did i manage to love you more than i thot i could ever manage to love anyone in my life? how did i give you everything of me and still have this end so civilized and so hard and ughhh
goddamnit i hate this so much its xmas and im sitting here typing about this. i hate feeling like this i hate that we havent talked at all today. i hate myself for screwing this up. i hate that all we will ever be is best friends and someone who will always be there for me is the best we are ever gonna do again. i hate that i fell in love with my best friend to have him fall out of love with me. but the thing about all of it is that i could never hate you. and i hate that im so hopelessly in love with you still....tho it prolly wouldnt change the way i feel.
so to sum it all up....day one sucked...and i feel like its gonna be pretty much downhill for a long while...