Churches and Closets and Hiding my Rainbows
So, I was sitting in confirmation tonight, and I found myself once again uncomfortable, nervous, crawling in my own skin; something that has been gone since I embraced Estrella and Morona. I was jittery, I kept my eyes down like people were looking at me. I was paranoid all through the time we were in large group (9th and 10th graders together.)
Then, we split into small groups like we always do. I'm in a tenth grade group, kinda small, and I'm the only girl. And while we were talking I couldn't meet anyone's eyes and I kept feeling like I had to hold back. And suddenly when my group leader asked a question, I understood.
She asked the group if there was a time you just gave something up to God and completely trusted him to guide you, to show you the right thing to do. And of course, the first and most important thing that came to mind was the fact that I've prayed again and again about my sexuality, and I have not ONCE gotten any hint that I am wrong. Of course, I've gotten double standards from 98% of the Christians I talk to-when you're unsure about something you should pray and trust God, but, if I was told being LGBTQ was right I must be lying to myself, I must not have really been praying. Anyway, I've become 100% comfortable with my sexuality along with the rest of myself in the past couple of months.
But as I was about to say all of this, I choked, almost literally. The words jammed in my throat and I felt like an infiltrator in some type of enemy territory. I couldn't say it. Because other than my very Catholic extended family, church is the only place where I'm not out. When I step through that door I am very much in the closet.
And it killed me to feel that way. All of my self confidence that I've gained since break disappeared while I was there (no worries, it came back when I left). and I've realized that the biggest factor in being happy with myself is not my looks or my voice or my being a hyper spaz sometimes-it's the fact that I'm comfortable and secure in knowing my sexuality. When I was at church, I didn't have that, and the very foundations of being comfortable AS MYSELF were taken away.
Now, I'm slightly scared. I know I'm going on a mission trip with my church this summer for a week. My biggest Christmas gift was a check to pay for most of the trip. But will I be hiding in myself the whole time, insecure and feeling like someone unworthy and dishonest because there's a whole part of me I have to hide? I've always known being Catholic and bi weren't very compatible, but I've always been okay with that, because up until recently I ALWAYS felt that insecure, for a thousand other pointless reasons. But now that I'm better at being myself in daily life, how can I ever truly be a part of my church without betraying myself, or being even more of an outcast?
I need some help here. Please?
((I've also decided to un-friend-lock my LJ from here on. There's really no reason to. *shrug))