three-nine-six
I'm currently in Missouri. It's true. We have family down here, so my dad and I took the six and a half hour drive yesterday. Asher was supposed to come too, but he got sick with whatever I had and couldn't come.
I'm thinking too much. (Of course. It's after midnight and I have the laptop to myself. Pappy [my uncle] and my dad are at the casino and my aunt is asleep). I'm thinking about missing those three days of school and how much of a mistake it was, because now I don't want to go back. Fuck the Beloved (and the horses they rode in on).
I’m thinking about prom, and how everyone said they wished I could have been there, and I said I wished I could have been there too, and how I’m most likely not going next year either. I don’t have the money to go just because, and I won’t get asked.
I’m thinking about the two girls I’m kind of falling for and how I know I have no chance with them, even if they were single. Even if I was pretty. Even if they weren’t quite as amazing as they are. Because there’s me, and then two floors up, at least, you have the Beloved. You have all the beautiful people. And then there’s me.
I’m thinking of Monday Drive and their EP in need of a title and how I’ve never thought of anything so inspired as all the title ideas I’ve read (especially Sayuri’s).
I’m thinking about prom again, and dresses, and then I remember that my hair’s no longer pretty-scratch that, has never BEEN pretty- and I will never be the tall beautiful person I imagined myself being when I was young. I was idiotic. I’m thinking about homecoming and how I said I’d go in a suit and how I lied, because if I can’t look pretty in something that at least tried to make me into a decent girl, how can I look remotely okay in anything else? I’d go in jeans if I could. Screw that.
I’m thinking about home and how the pool opened this weekend and Ri and Sayuri need to come swimming. But then I’m also thinking maybe I’ll never set foot in the damned pool because to swim, you need a bathing suit, and I never want to wear one of those again until I weigh within five pounds of 100 (in either direction).
I’m thinking of how we leave tomorrow and I don’t want to go.
I don’t know.
I'm thinking too much. (Of course. It's after midnight and I have the laptop to myself. Pappy [my uncle] and my dad are at the casino and my aunt is asleep). I'm thinking about missing those three days of school and how much of a mistake it was, because now I don't want to go back. Fuck the Beloved (and the horses they rode in on).
I’m thinking about prom, and how everyone said they wished I could have been there, and I said I wished I could have been there too, and how I’m most likely not going next year either. I don’t have the money to go just because, and I won’t get asked.
I’m thinking about the two girls I’m kind of falling for and how I know I have no chance with them, even if they were single. Even if I was pretty. Even if they weren’t quite as amazing as they are. Because there’s me, and then two floors up, at least, you have the Beloved. You have all the beautiful people. And then there’s me.
I’m thinking of Monday Drive and their EP in need of a title and how I’ve never thought of anything so inspired as all the title ideas I’ve read (especially Sayuri’s).
I’m thinking about prom again, and dresses, and then I remember that my hair’s no longer pretty-scratch that, has never BEEN pretty- and I will never be the tall beautiful person I imagined myself being when I was young. I was idiotic. I’m thinking about homecoming and how I said I’d go in a suit and how I lied, because if I can’t look pretty in something that at least tried to make me into a decent girl, how can I look remotely okay in anything else? I’d go in jeans if I could. Screw that.
I’m thinking about home and how the pool opened this weekend and Ri and Sayuri need to come swimming. But then I’m also thinking maybe I’ll never set foot in the damned pool because to swim, you need a bathing suit, and I never want to wear one of those again until I weigh within five pounds of 100 (in either direction).
I’m thinking of how we leave tomorrow and I don’t want to go.
I don’t know.