(no subject)
talking to will tonight made me realize something. i've got problems and i'm too afraid to face up to them. uncertainties in my life i force down because of the notion i have that i am infallable. i understand i'm not, but its how i was raised. you are never wrong, if you end up wrong, change that which is around you to not make it wrong. its a messed up way to live...and its my way to live. i make excuses for things i dont want to do because they make me feel better. i dont date because i'm scared of getting hurt. again. i dont drink because i'm scared of what will happen. i dont do anything in fact, because i am scared of the consequences. should i do something too out of the straight and narrow i'm going to show my vulnerability. there goes my infallability with it. even as i write this i'm thinking of how this proves i'm never wrong. i can't be. to be wrong is to be stupid. i am above stupid. words pounded into my mind by the silence of action. i wonder if i'm happy. i can't tell because this is all i know. i'm too scared to try anything else. i know when i'm happy, but i'm scared to follow that. i know how it will end up. i'll be wrong. do i want to go to new york, or california? its a simple question that metaphorically is my life. i guess it means am i happy here at the university. would i be better off at georgia state? would i get the same education there as i do here? perhaps its just the people. alcoholics and frat boys aren't number one on my list, but how will GSU be any different? i'll stay here for now. but it's almost like i force myself to be alone. i dont advance on anyone. i guess i imagine girls dont think of me in the way that would constitute a boyfriend. i'm old fashioned. i guess college is supposed to be a confusing time for everyone. while most people worry about their majors, i worry about the simple things. do i have what it takes to attract the girl i want? more than likely not. but what to change? perhaps 19 things for 19 years old. perhaps the first thing i'll change is where i'm looking for love. right now its in all the wrong places. the places are wrong, not me. i know what i want, they just dont have what i want. i am never wrong. i am infallable.