(no subject)
It seems as though I'm back to writting in my livejournal yet again. It's strange how my times of need to just sit here and type out some kind of thought onto a screen fluctuate. Now however is a time where I feel the need again. Caseville beach was beautiful as usual. The first day we were there I went canoeing, we had a fire and made...GET THIS...brownie smores..way sweet. Yet after such an amazing day, it got to around 11:30 and the same feeling that seems to come almost every night lately hit me hard.
It's like a feeling of totaly isolation and loneliness. I shouldn't have this feeling for the following reasons, I was with my family, I know they love me though sometimes they really suck at showing it. I have an awesome boyfriend who treats me well and bares with all of my annoying little corks. I have many friends in Michigan who have really pulled through this summer and made it just amazing, and I have friends in many other locations that have kept in touch with me fairly regularly this summer...SO WHY?! Why do I have this feeling that when I was sitting out on the beach last night that I was the only one in the world that new or cared about my exsistance. It's most definately a selfish attitude I won't lie. But I can't let it go. I've been going through these crazy mood swings lately that have been making me feel like a failure and like I'm quite honestly going insane. Along the lines of feeling a failure...that in itself has been a huge part of them. I feel degraded by nothing. I feel irrelivant even though I know I'm cared about. I feel so sad sometimes that I literally can't put a finger on why. I'll just sit, pushing myself to have happy thoughts, but the happy thoughts don't come and I end up with tears rolling down my cheaks for no apparent reason.
It'd be a blessing if all the things I was talking about where signs of PMS, sadly their not. Sadly that came and went and yes it made things even worse if that's beleivable but they are still here, the feelings remain. I know that it will be good for me to have to put a face on and act like I don't wake up dreading the evening when I know these feelings will come out again. It'll be a healthy forgetfullness, a whistful careless attitude. I'll put my face on in the DEKA meetings because it's my responcibility and I am so excited about it that I will let nothing get in my way, and I'll also put them on when I'm leaving home again because this will probably be my last summer at home, and I will put them on when I look at my parents when they leave and pretend that I'm sorry I'm not going with them.
So what do I need? I need to snap out of it...but how? I feel like I've tried everything so I don't know. I also feel like people are starting to feel like their advice and words of consolation mean little to nothing to me because it doesn't seem like I'm applying them. Everything said, means the world to me. All words thrown my way, are soaked in and considered and mulled over. But for some reason, the feeling itself can't be explained or reasoned away. As you say baby, I'm probably fighting an inner demon...something that I have to change about myself to make myself feel better before this feeling goes away. So now I guess I go about finding it. What a fucking huge job...
xoX0O
It's like a feeling of totaly isolation and loneliness. I shouldn't have this feeling for the following reasons, I was with my family, I know they love me though sometimes they really suck at showing it. I have an awesome boyfriend who treats me well and bares with all of my annoying little corks. I have many friends in Michigan who have really pulled through this summer and made it just amazing, and I have friends in many other locations that have kept in touch with me fairly regularly this summer...SO WHY?! Why do I have this feeling that when I was sitting out on the beach last night that I was the only one in the world that new or cared about my exsistance. It's most definately a selfish attitude I won't lie. But I can't let it go. I've been going through these crazy mood swings lately that have been making me feel like a failure and like I'm quite honestly going insane. Along the lines of feeling a failure...that in itself has been a huge part of them. I feel degraded by nothing. I feel irrelivant even though I know I'm cared about. I feel so sad sometimes that I literally can't put a finger on why. I'll just sit, pushing myself to have happy thoughts, but the happy thoughts don't come and I end up with tears rolling down my cheaks for no apparent reason.
It'd be a blessing if all the things I was talking about where signs of PMS, sadly their not. Sadly that came and went and yes it made things even worse if that's beleivable but they are still here, the feelings remain. I know that it will be good for me to have to put a face on and act like I don't wake up dreading the evening when I know these feelings will come out again. It'll be a healthy forgetfullness, a whistful careless attitude. I'll put my face on in the DEKA meetings because it's my responcibility and I am so excited about it that I will let nothing get in my way, and I'll also put them on when I'm leaving home again because this will probably be my last summer at home, and I will put them on when I look at my parents when they leave and pretend that I'm sorry I'm not going with them.
So what do I need? I need to snap out of it...but how? I feel like I've tried everything so I don't know. I also feel like people are starting to feel like their advice and words of consolation mean little to nothing to me because it doesn't seem like I'm applying them. Everything said, means the world to me. All words thrown my way, are soaked in and considered and mulled over. But for some reason, the feeling itself can't be explained or reasoned away. As you say baby, I'm probably fighting an inner demon...something that I have to change about myself to make myself feel better before this feeling goes away. So now I guess I go about finding it. What a fucking huge job...
xoX0O