(no subject)
i'm actually pretty sure i'm going crazy. my life has no variation in it whatsoever. monday thru friday i wake up at 9:30, go to work by 11, sit around for seven hours with no break, read a little occasionaly, go home at 6. how can people do it? how can people be satisfied with such horrible mundane tranquility? it just disgusts me almost. the worst part is i have nothing but idle time at work, no one to talk to, so all i do is think, which in all honestly wouldn't be bad for a little while, but 7 hours a day...5 days a week...thats 35 hours of straight thinking a week, which is not good for me. i play out so many deranged and bizzare scenarios in my head, its totally unhealthy. i also think that because the store is so small and i tend to overclean there, i get high off windex fumes and it fucks me up.
i hate feeling a deep sense of bitterness already and im not even 20. biterness is supposed to be for single women in their 30's, not me. but still it just looms over me like a cloud waiting to pop at any moment. i'm bitter at so much, and have even found myself becoming jealous of certain people in my life and their general happiness and such, which is so awful. also, because i have so much time to think i find my mind wandering off and dwelling on people i don't even give a fuck about, which is just frustrating.
and then i got to thinking, the last year or so has actually probably been the hardest for me in my entire life. getting out of school and realizing that i actually had to make decisions on what i was doing in life, realizing now, that my lack of commitment to ideas of what i want to do or where i want to be has really made me suffer. i could have been out of here way sooner, but instead i just stuck around here putting my effort and time into guys who have just always been a disappointment and waste, when i could have been putting that effort into myself.
i watched my unbeatable, motor cycle riding-30 vitamin a day grandfather slip into a state of hesteria when my grandmother went into a coma early last year. my grandparents had lived in the house next to me my entire life. he tried commiting suicide by crashing his car, after he had taken too much medication. shortly after this incident he was diagnosed with cancer that slipped its way up his leg and into his stomach, killing him only 2 months later. and now, my once beautiful grandmother, lays 24 hours a day in a bed with a feeding tube inserted in a hole that was put in her stomach. she looks like a mutant and i wonder almost every day is she wishes she wasn't alive, i know i wouldnt want to be. she hasn't spoken in well over a year, and we never even tried to tell her about grandpa dying, but she must know because he would visit her every day. i went to see her last week for the first time in quite a while, and i never really know what to do once i get there. i don't even know if she understands when we talk to her, i really doubt it because shes on so many perkasets its unreal. she cries though, i've never seen her once without her eyes welling up and watering.
and i've tried to just find someone the last while that would be amazing for me and make me feel like the million bucks i maybe secretly think i am, and it just hasn't happened. instead its been a few heartless fucks that have made me feel cheap and list-bound, and a couple boyfriends that have some how been more fucked up than me. justin always thought i was bulemic, but i never was, i just threw up a lot because we drank so much to blind out how awful we were as people and what an awful unit we were together and my body never really got used to it. maybe being with someone worse than myself has always made me feel good and like i never had to confront my problems, which is why i have always pushed nice guys away, who knows though.
last fall my sister, seemingly out of no where married the guy she had been dating for less than year, and up and moved out of our house, which was really a shocker for me. although we had our fights, we were a support system for each other and had the unspoken "we both know how fucked up mom and dad are" bond. i didn't think i'd miss her so much, but i really do. more friends left for school, moved to different cities, moved to different countries, or just had something fresh going on. my two best friends started dating, which was really weird, and i havent seen either of them in months, even though one lives just down the street.
i feel/felt like i have been left behind in a ghost town, except instead of ghosts its dirty hippies and frat boys, and instead of abandoned saloons, its gross bars teeming with tube top skanks and red haired jocks. its really sad, but every day i feel like it only gets worse here. ive had a few stints to try and get me out (temporarly and permenantely), a couple failed california trips (realized i didn't want to stay with aging rockstars and had been through too much on a gross motley cruish level/didnt want to stay with ones that were too young and had not been through enough), a couple failed moves (really wanted montreal at first, then toronto), a botched trip with my sister to europe because she wanted to concentrate on getting pregnate instead, and so forth. so once again, my lack of ability to follow through with things bites me in the ass.
and now, with less than two months till my supposed move, i am just hoping that it really goes through. it seems so easy for everyone else to just get up and go, but for some reason with me its like i have chains at every possible place tying me down to this shit hole of a city.
don't get me wrong, not all the thinking i do all day is feeling sorry for myself shit. sometimes its about other stuff, usually about me though because im obviously incredibly self absorbed. i realized that in my life i have these moments, i like to call them "million dollar moments" that just make me feel like i have the best life in the world, and maybe things arent so bad after all. i think we all have them, you just get this unsurpassed, sickly intense feeling that honestly only lasts for a split second usually, but everything just feels right. For me it can/has been a lot of different things. A few in particular come to mind: being in the center of the living room on new years eve with three of the best people i know, dancing. it was just what friendship was supposed to feel like, on every single level. when i would get off the train in london at like 1 am, and justin would be standing there waiting for me; there is something strange and incredible about travelling to see someone and having them there waiting for you, and as much as i wanted to hide it, there was always a weird uncontrollable smile that happened. in the dead of winter, in the actual middle of nowhere, falling asleep with matt's arms around me in the tiniest, most uncomfortable bed on a bus. slow dancing after 7 rum and cokes and my aunt's 60 birthday party with an old family friend sue robinson, who stared at me creepily for about 15 seconds and then said, i hope you know how beautiful you really are. sharing a ciggarette with my sister at the reception of her wedding, it made me remember that she was the one that had really let me know what it was to be cool, and that maybe there was still a little bit of it in her. and lastly and most recently, locking eyes with a stranger at a party and knowing from that moment something bigger would come of it, not exactly sure what, but i knew something. maybe these moments are yes, stupid and a little cliched, but i think we all need them because they remind there is a glimpse of sincerity in the bullshit worlds we live in.
by the way, fuck all your "this is what i did tonight/this is what i am doing this weekend entries". haha just kidding.
i am excited for a bbq with friends this weekend, but for now i am off to bed to face another day at work, and then two days off before i face it all over again.
<3
i hate feeling a deep sense of bitterness already and im not even 20. biterness is supposed to be for single women in their 30's, not me. but still it just looms over me like a cloud waiting to pop at any moment. i'm bitter at so much, and have even found myself becoming jealous of certain people in my life and their general happiness and such, which is so awful. also, because i have so much time to think i find my mind wandering off and dwelling on people i don't even give a fuck about, which is just frustrating.
and then i got to thinking, the last year or so has actually probably been the hardest for me in my entire life. getting out of school and realizing that i actually had to make decisions on what i was doing in life, realizing now, that my lack of commitment to ideas of what i want to do or where i want to be has really made me suffer. i could have been out of here way sooner, but instead i just stuck around here putting my effort and time into guys who have just always been a disappointment and waste, when i could have been putting that effort into myself.
i watched my unbeatable, motor cycle riding-30 vitamin a day grandfather slip into a state of hesteria when my grandmother went into a coma early last year. my grandparents had lived in the house next to me my entire life. he tried commiting suicide by crashing his car, after he had taken too much medication. shortly after this incident he was diagnosed with cancer that slipped its way up his leg and into his stomach, killing him only 2 months later. and now, my once beautiful grandmother, lays 24 hours a day in a bed with a feeding tube inserted in a hole that was put in her stomach. she looks like a mutant and i wonder almost every day is she wishes she wasn't alive, i know i wouldnt want to be. she hasn't spoken in well over a year, and we never even tried to tell her about grandpa dying, but she must know because he would visit her every day. i went to see her last week for the first time in quite a while, and i never really know what to do once i get there. i don't even know if she understands when we talk to her, i really doubt it because shes on so many perkasets its unreal. she cries though, i've never seen her once without her eyes welling up and watering.
and i've tried to just find someone the last while that would be amazing for me and make me feel like the million bucks i maybe secretly think i am, and it just hasn't happened. instead its been a few heartless fucks that have made me feel cheap and list-bound, and a couple boyfriends that have some how been more fucked up than me. justin always thought i was bulemic, but i never was, i just threw up a lot because we drank so much to blind out how awful we were as people and what an awful unit we were together and my body never really got used to it. maybe being with someone worse than myself has always made me feel good and like i never had to confront my problems, which is why i have always pushed nice guys away, who knows though.
last fall my sister, seemingly out of no where married the guy she had been dating for less than year, and up and moved out of our house, which was really a shocker for me. although we had our fights, we were a support system for each other and had the unspoken "we both know how fucked up mom and dad are" bond. i didn't think i'd miss her so much, but i really do. more friends left for school, moved to different cities, moved to different countries, or just had something fresh going on. my two best friends started dating, which was really weird, and i havent seen either of them in months, even though one lives just down the street.
i feel/felt like i have been left behind in a ghost town, except instead of ghosts its dirty hippies and frat boys, and instead of abandoned saloons, its gross bars teeming with tube top skanks and red haired jocks. its really sad, but every day i feel like it only gets worse here. ive had a few stints to try and get me out (temporarly and permenantely), a couple failed california trips (realized i didn't want to stay with aging rockstars and had been through too much on a gross motley cruish level/didnt want to stay with ones that were too young and had not been through enough), a couple failed moves (really wanted montreal at first, then toronto), a botched trip with my sister to europe because she wanted to concentrate on getting pregnate instead, and so forth. so once again, my lack of ability to follow through with things bites me in the ass.
and now, with less than two months till my supposed move, i am just hoping that it really goes through. it seems so easy for everyone else to just get up and go, but for some reason with me its like i have chains at every possible place tying me down to this shit hole of a city.
don't get me wrong, not all the thinking i do all day is feeling sorry for myself shit. sometimes its about other stuff, usually about me though because im obviously incredibly self absorbed. i realized that in my life i have these moments, i like to call them "million dollar moments" that just make me feel like i have the best life in the world, and maybe things arent so bad after all. i think we all have them, you just get this unsurpassed, sickly intense feeling that honestly only lasts for a split second usually, but everything just feels right. For me it can/has been a lot of different things. A few in particular come to mind: being in the center of the living room on new years eve with three of the best people i know, dancing. it was just what friendship was supposed to feel like, on every single level. when i would get off the train in london at like 1 am, and justin would be standing there waiting for me; there is something strange and incredible about travelling to see someone and having them there waiting for you, and as much as i wanted to hide it, there was always a weird uncontrollable smile that happened. in the dead of winter, in the actual middle of nowhere, falling asleep with matt's arms around me in the tiniest, most uncomfortable bed on a bus. slow dancing after 7 rum and cokes and my aunt's 60 birthday party with an old family friend sue robinson, who stared at me creepily for about 15 seconds and then said, i hope you know how beautiful you really are. sharing a ciggarette with my sister at the reception of her wedding, it made me remember that she was the one that had really let me know what it was to be cool, and that maybe there was still a little bit of it in her. and lastly and most recently, locking eyes with a stranger at a party and knowing from that moment something bigger would come of it, not exactly sure what, but i knew something. maybe these moments are yes, stupid and a little cliched, but i think we all need them because they remind there is a glimpse of sincerity in the bullshit worlds we live in.
by the way, fuck all your "this is what i did tonight/this is what i am doing this weekend entries". haha just kidding.
i am excited for a bbq with friends this weekend, but for now i am off to bed to face another day at work, and then two days off before i face it all over again.
<3