How could I have fucked things up before they even began?
To those who think they know me, with the exception of 3 people, you don't. To most I'm not supposed to care about anyone. I haven't cared about people. I just tell myself I do and tell everyone I do, when I don't. Well, I'd like everyone to know the real me. I care for only one person, and he's the one I actually do care about. I feel like an ass though because he doesn't believe me that I care about him so much. And its amazing that he doesn't hate me and that he isn't just using me. I do believe him now that he cares, I wish he could believe me. He thinks that I am 'with him' for the purpose of having a temporary safety. I know I've said that that was the case, but I lie to make you think I'm someone I'm not. I should have known it would eventually catch up with me and bite my ass... but I never thought it would rip my heart out and chew it up into pieces and send it through a garbage disposal. I wish he wouldn't doubt me. I want him to know that I love the fact that he cares, and I like how he thinks he's an asshole when really he's the greatest guy I've ever met, and I like how he gets so nervous about how he looks, when he is amazingly handsome, and I like how I'm actually comfortable being ME around him. That is so rare. I'm never me. I'm alays trying to be what someone wants me to be. But it's so differnt with him. Because I actually have feelings for him- I am me. I'm afraid that he doesn't see that. I like him so much. I am an ass for letting my other person screw with things. I need to go home and talk to him and try to sort thigns out. I don't want to jinx this.. but I really hope that we end up havign the label. the label. It's so scary still, but I want it. I want it because it's him. I want it because it will prove something. That I care and he cares and I want to only care for him. I don't even require he cares in return, I just want him to know that I care. It's just a crazy uplifting bonus that he cares. How could I have fucked things up before they even began???