Feeling a bit melancholy...No need to read this post.
Theres a number of things getting on top of me at the moment which aren't making me feel very chipper and I think I'm a bit more down than I'm letting on to people around me.
The last few weeks have been intense...well the last few MONTHS really.
I,ve prepared for, directed, and are now in he process of editing a film shot on 16mm- I hate it btw.
I've hated it from conception to script. I don't like my writer much at all which doesn't help. I think the 3 boys in my group have attitude problems, and are lazy to a point it's too difficult and too much effort to ask them to do anything, because I KNOW it won't get done. Thats happening a lot, and it feels like on every front I'm doing double, if not triple my fair work load just trying to compensate for other people's selfishness.
Aside from that I'm dealing with the emotional hokey-kokey. It seems that theres a fair few people who just want to see how much they can prod me before i fall off the cliff. Friends.Family. People i thought i could trust.
It sort of feel like somones holding my hand over a fire by my wrist and not letting me pull my hand away. It's like torture.
All of this is made worse by the fact I'm finding it hard to scrape some time together for me. What used to be my weekends have become Work on saturdays to get money to make ends meet, and Sundays to catch up on all the Uni work i've not had the time and energy to do all week. So its just a 7 day week of work and i see my life melting into this system...
Right now I have friends who claim to care and CLEARLY don't. I have 'friends' that haven't bothered to even TEXT me since i've been at Uni. I have friends who come to me with their problems because I pander to their need to feel better, who then don't think Im worth shit once i've helped them. Also I've had friends who ignore me, don't listen to me, and worst of all people who don't trust me. Which frankly hurts like nothing else. I don't lie, and so I don't like being accused of lying.
I have a high pain threshold, Be it emotional or physical... But I'm letting people know now it's been crossed lately. Do not piss me off because I am extreamly volatile and very VERY angry. I've only ever snapped this bad once before, and no one wants to see it again.
Last night i had a serious panic attack- felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest crushing my lungs, any breath in hurt and i was crying by the end and biting my knuckle because my housemates were trying to sleep.
My little sister Zoes 2nd birthday was a few weeks back.....Im still not able to see her. My dad still hasn't bothered to contact me about it past a text message saying " sure we'll meet up soon maybe."
My other, deceased little sisters birthday was last thursday-Yes ironically, thanksgiving in America. I lit a candle for her- i couldn't do any more than that this year which upset me a bit.
What upsets me more than anything is that I feel like crap. Not in the ill sense. In the really down and out sense...and to be honest i dont think theres a single person right now that i feel i could turn around and talk to about it. I don't know why, but thats the stage Im at right now. I've been too hurt lately, by too many, to believe that even people i truste explicitly won't hit out at me.
I'm sick of double standards, I'm tired of the drama...I'm sick to my back teeth with dealing with arrogance, selfishness, maliciousness and lazyness in people that really shouldn't be any of those things.
Bah.
I want to go home and hug my kitty cat :'(
The last few weeks have been intense...well the last few MONTHS really.
I,ve prepared for, directed, and are now in he process of editing a film shot on 16mm- I hate it btw.
I've hated it from conception to script. I don't like my writer much at all which doesn't help. I think the 3 boys in my group have attitude problems, and are lazy to a point it's too difficult and too much effort to ask them to do anything, because I KNOW it won't get done. Thats happening a lot, and it feels like on every front I'm doing double, if not triple my fair work load just trying to compensate for other people's selfishness.
Aside from that I'm dealing with the emotional hokey-kokey. It seems that theres a fair few people who just want to see how much they can prod me before i fall off the cliff. Friends.Family. People i thought i could trust.
It sort of feel like somones holding my hand over a fire by my wrist and not letting me pull my hand away. It's like torture.
All of this is made worse by the fact I'm finding it hard to scrape some time together for me. What used to be my weekends have become Work on saturdays to get money to make ends meet, and Sundays to catch up on all the Uni work i've not had the time and energy to do all week. So its just a 7 day week of work and i see my life melting into this system...
Right now I have friends who claim to care and CLEARLY don't. I have 'friends' that haven't bothered to even TEXT me since i've been at Uni. I have friends who come to me with their problems because I pander to their need to feel better, who then don't think Im worth shit once i've helped them. Also I've had friends who ignore me, don't listen to me, and worst of all people who don't trust me. Which frankly hurts like nothing else. I don't lie, and so I don't like being accused of lying.
I have a high pain threshold, Be it emotional or physical... But I'm letting people know now it's been crossed lately. Do not piss me off because I am extreamly volatile and very VERY angry. I've only ever snapped this bad once before, and no one wants to see it again.
Last night i had a serious panic attack- felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest crushing my lungs, any breath in hurt and i was crying by the end and biting my knuckle because my housemates were trying to sleep.
My little sister Zoes 2nd birthday was a few weeks back.....Im still not able to see her. My dad still hasn't bothered to contact me about it past a text message saying " sure we'll meet up soon maybe."
My other, deceased little sisters birthday was last thursday-Yes ironically, thanksgiving in America. I lit a candle for her- i couldn't do any more than that this year which upset me a bit.
What upsets me more than anything is that I feel like crap. Not in the ill sense. In the really down and out sense...and to be honest i dont think theres a single person right now that i feel i could turn around and talk to about it. I don't know why, but thats the stage Im at right now. I've been too hurt lately, by too many, to believe that even people i truste explicitly won't hit out at me.
I'm sick of double standards, I'm tired of the drama...I'm sick to my back teeth with dealing with arrogance, selfishness, maliciousness and lazyness in people that really shouldn't be any of those things.
Bah.
I want to go home and hug my kitty cat :'(