Here ya go
Man, today wasn't worth waking up for. I didn't accomplish anything. I felt like crap all day untill I talked to Brad. He made me smile and laugh my fucking ass off. We talked about him and Amanda, the baby.... and we had a "fight" and the big text attack! It was great... just like ol' times... excpet the Amanda thing. I love Brad to death, he's one of my best friend's.. and I'm glad that me and him have been able to remain close friend's for so long and through a lot of shit we've delt with in the past!
Well, I'm sure you've noticed I haven't been myself lately.. and a few of you somewhat may have a slight, tiny idea why... I might as well try to explain it somewhat.
I'm having a mental break down. I dunno why. I alway's get like this. To the point where I don't want anything anymore, and I don't want to be around anything.. and only certain people can effect me at all away from my current state of being. Like right now I'm smiling.. doesn't mean I'm in a better mood. I'm just happy that I got to find out more info on how Amanda was doing, and got to talk to Brad about my view's on her pregancy. So it was a worth wild talk that me and him had. Plus adding in the stupid comment's and jokes.
Back on subject... I am to the point where nothing seem's nice anymore. My friend's are calling me distant and werid. And I am being that. Since I can't handle a lot right now. There is to much stress in my life right now and it's all falling down on me hardcore and I can't handle it and anything at all. I thought about killing myself today. If my mother hadn't been in the car with me I would've. I know it's the "cheap" way out of life.. But there is to much for me to handle..and I hate feeling like this. There is so much wrong right now I can't even begain to explain or touch each topic.. It would take entirely to long to try. But to brief you on a few things...
-x- my parental's and me haven't been getting along the grestest
-x- chance I can't get the car I want
-x- bill's are getting stupidly pilled up. I can't handle it anymore.. to much that I owe
-x- trying to find a decent paying job so I that I can afford the fucking breath each damn day.
-x- dealing with my friend's and having them come to me for help
-x- losing half my friend's since everyone is so distant anymore..
-x- my past is haunting me. it's so horrid that I can't sleep.
-x- not being able to sleep, and when I do sleep... it's not actual sleeping.
-x- regret's in life haunting
-x- failure to finish an actual highschool
-x- failure to go to college
-x- failure as a friend
-x- failure as a girlfriend
-x- huge failure as a daugther that's worth something.
-x- wishing i'd be dead
-x- sign's leading to something I don't want right now (faith wise)
-x- losing hope and reality
-x- dreading family and up coming events
-x- not being able to afford what I want to have
-x- shit not being able to afford what I need
-x- being sick all the damn time
-x- not eating
-x- sick of what i see when I look at the mirror so.. I've stopped.. almost broke 3 mirrors today.. stopped myself from breaking them..
-x- not being able to drink pop... i need the caffiene
-x- my life is falling apart in front of me and I can't handle it.
I dunno what to do. There's so much more that I can't even start to think about right now. There's just to much and to many problem's holding me back from doing anything. I want to do so much, but can't do to lack of everything needed to do so. Everyone is telling me that I need to get away for awhile and take a break. But what they don't understand is that getting away is only running from something, but I can't run from it if it's all mental... it's not a person, it's not a place.. it's ME .. and you can't get away from yourself.
Well, I'm sure you've noticed I haven't been myself lately.. and a few of you somewhat may have a slight, tiny idea why... I might as well try to explain it somewhat.
I'm having a mental break down. I dunno why. I alway's get like this. To the point where I don't want anything anymore, and I don't want to be around anything.. and only certain people can effect me at all away from my current state of being. Like right now I'm smiling.. doesn't mean I'm in a better mood. I'm just happy that I got to find out more info on how Amanda was doing, and got to talk to Brad about my view's on her pregancy. So it was a worth wild talk that me and him had. Plus adding in the stupid comment's and jokes.
Back on subject... I am to the point where nothing seem's nice anymore. My friend's are calling me distant and werid. And I am being that. Since I can't handle a lot right now. There is to much stress in my life right now and it's all falling down on me hardcore and I can't handle it and anything at all. I thought about killing myself today. If my mother hadn't been in the car with me I would've. I know it's the "cheap" way out of life.. But there is to much for me to handle..and I hate feeling like this. There is so much wrong right now I can't even begain to explain or touch each topic.. It would take entirely to long to try. But to brief you on a few things...
-x- my parental's and me haven't been getting along the grestest
-x- chance I can't get the car I want
-x- bill's are getting stupidly pilled up. I can't handle it anymore.. to much that I owe
-x- trying to find a decent paying job so I that I can afford the fucking breath each damn day.
-x- dealing with my friend's and having them come to me for help
-x- losing half my friend's since everyone is so distant anymore..
-x- my past is haunting me. it's so horrid that I can't sleep.
-x- not being able to sleep, and when I do sleep... it's not actual sleeping.
-x- regret's in life haunting
-x- failure to finish an actual highschool
-x- failure to go to college
-x- failure as a friend
-x- failure as a girlfriend
-x- huge failure as a daugther that's worth something.
-x- wishing i'd be dead
-x- sign's leading to something I don't want right now (faith wise)
-x- losing hope and reality
-x- dreading family and up coming events
-x- not being able to afford what I want to have
-x- shit not being able to afford what I need
-x- being sick all the damn time
-x- not eating
-x- sick of what i see when I look at the mirror so.. I've stopped.. almost broke 3 mirrors today.. stopped myself from breaking them..
-x- not being able to drink pop... i need the caffiene
-x- my life is falling apart in front of me and I can't handle it.
I dunno what to do. There's so much more that I can't even start to think about right now. There's just to much and to many problem's holding me back from doing anything. I want to do so much, but can't do to lack of everything needed to do so. Everyone is telling me that I need to get away for awhile and take a break. But what they don't understand is that getting away is only running from something, but I can't run from it if it's all mental... it's not a person, it's not a place.. it's ME .. and you can't get away from yourself.