Baby Shower today
I have no idea why someone who LOVES to be the center of attention could hate being at parties where she is the main attraction.
Being with my friends, goofing off and making people laugh is so great, but stick me in a room full of people watching my every move and I assure you- you would never recognize me in a million years. I freeze up so bad, I have no idea why. And all night I stayed up, being nervous about today. I am excited to see my Aunt Sherrie, I used to visit her all of the time and we would do fun stuff and I always felt so glad that I had at least one family member that loved me for who I was, not for what they wanted me to be. I was so great when I would stay there, all the clothes she bought for me fit, and she never said anything about how I looked...not like the rest of my family.
One of my mom's sister's called me a little pig...
My biological father said I looked raggedy
[which I honestly think he was referring to the clothes I was wearing...his fault for not buying me new ones]...
My mom was the most embarrassing one.
She would never buy me the clothes that would fit me. The only hand-me-downs I could fit into were from my boy cousins, and when I still needed more clothes, she would only take me to goodwill where your size is not guaranteed to be there. So instead of buying me clothes that matched my age, she would buy me frumpy old lady clothes that made me feel like a disgusting blob.
It's no wonder why everyone made fun of me...I was wearing stretch pants while all the other girls were wearing flair leg jeans and those cool windbreaker jackets that could fold up into their own front zipper pouch.
I remember one of the few times I got to go to JC Penny for clothes, she wouldn't let me look in my age section, we went straight to the plus size old lady section where she told the cashier how "hard to fit" I was...and that phrase has haunted me all my life...even when I was a 00 and could just walk into a store and buy a mannequin outfit...every time I try something on and it doesn't fit that's all I can think of..."hard to fit".
And what about the time she told me,"You are shorter than the girls in your class, so you should weigh less than they do!"...this was after she said something about my weight and I told her that 3 of the girls in my class weighed the same. But it was true, those three girls were 5'6-5'8...while at that time I was about 5 even...
I'm nervous about the shower, because there will be cameras and picture taking-my mother takes horrible, unflattering pictures at terrible angles...then when you say,"why did you take it like that?", she says,"that's how you look!"
I got a dress that I really wanted to wear to the shower and that makes me feel a little better...I was very happy that it is an xs...I have been feeling like such a cow lately :[
I've been feeling so ugly and fat...my body hurts, I feel like I'm beat.