the closing to my summer...
so basically my summer is over.. cosbie left for college today and i have never been so sad in my life- hes the love of my life and im going to miss him so much.i really dont know how to handle this its so hard i just keep crying and crying and being sad. this feeling is so terrible i wish no one had to go through this :( ive put so much of my life into our relationship it all feels like its gone? meaning im gone too kinda? i never thought i could love someone so much hes my best friend i love him more than myself, most of the time i dont even think thats a problem bc all i care about is him. is something wrong with me or is this just love? my mind is going in circles thinking of all this shit and im trying so hard not to rely on things to make me not as sad. i dont want to get fucked up and drink and smoke and god knows whatever i will do in this reckless state of mind bc i know when it goes away my sadness will still be there waiting for me, it never goes anywhere it just gets hidden for a little while. but then again i kinda need a break from it all and maybe it does need to go into hiding for a lil while so i can attempt to be happy? i feel as if i cant be happy without him it sucks that i rely on people so much esp. him. im so confused right now. school starts soon im going to be a senior thank god. i feel like i don thave any close friends this year and im going to be alone. i feel like now that cosbie left im more alone than ever. i dont get along with my family at all cosbie is always there to help me through that- now who will be there to help me? im by myself and i have to come in realization with that-the sooner the better.most of my friends left and are going to be in college-cosbie left, and the majority of my other friends i didnt even pay attention to this summer bc my main focus was cosbie since he was leaving. the sad part is i dont feel wrong for doing what i did bc that is what i would want to have done either way. does that even make sense? does any one even read these anymore? i have no fucking clue im just writing to write i guess. maybe this is for the better and i just dont realize it yet? because like they say everything happpens for a reason, i just wish i knew what that reason was. i want to do really good in school this year- no more fucking around i just want to get it done and over with. im going to have a set schedule bc i am going to have nothing better to do with my life. my life is going to consist of school, work, the gym, and doing homework. what a life i have isnt it great?i havent even begun to look at colleges theres no point, my parents want me to live at home and stay local,its total shit and it makes me sad when all of my friends are going to leave me again im going to be still stuck in milford. im never going to get out of this town and just be stuck AHHH life fucking sucks right now i want to find someething good about it right now i really cant find anything. the only thing i can think of is how i hope that i will be able to visit cosbie alot. a lot of people have offered to drive me lets just hope that they keep their word. and then i can always take the train or bus there or even fly if i have toi dont care how much it costs ill pay for it the only problem will be my parents and them letting me go but i dont care ill just go. i still havent even gotten my permit yet its such shit and i hate it so much im not going to be driving until im 30 thats what its looking like right now- AHHhh i just feel so shitty and depressed and i just want to lay and sulk in my room until school starts- but i know im going to regret that after but thats just what i feel like doing. I Hope me bein depressed wont affect my schoolwork bc it has a tendency of doing that and im determined to do well this year it is my last year come on now.i think the only way im going to get out o fmy house is if i get dragged out by someone. wow i bounced around so much in this entry if anyone even reads this i apologize i dont make sense well thats enough for this sad entry back to listening to sad music and cryingggggggggg goodbye