i wrote this july 20th...it still holds truth and it was private before...i feel no need now
i still agree with this entry, 400%.
its funny how the people that you "think" cared about you, really didnt.
and its funny now how the people that you "think" you made an impression on, you really didnt.
and its funny how what you hold so treasured and what you really hold as your first memories and your first times and your sentimental bullshit that you associate with smells and places and music...isnt shared with other people.
and then you realize that maybe that is a good thing. because it if was recipricated then what the fuck are you with new people for? what was the reason for moving on if the people in your past were holding on to the same memories that you were? right? like what the fuck is the point of growing up and learning and moving on and applying things from previous situations and relationships?
you take what youve been thru, and please im the last person to ever argue that the things anyone has been thru were horrible, i know first hand about the ability of people to be selfish and horrible and unforgiving and unexcepting and everything. it just makes me sick to think that i spent so much time harping over these things. like sick to my stomach.
what the fuck? everyday something happens and i stop and think about how fucking lucky i am to be with who im with and how awesome he is and how much my family loves him.
hes such a big person and he is so giving and loving and supporting and understanding and i dont know what the fuck is in my head sometimes but i hope one day i can wake up and it all makes sense? hah that wll never happen.
im rambling and its making me feel better. its hard to type with a cigarette in you hand and its hard to type with a cigarette in your mouth while the smoke is filtering over your eyes.
i remember seeing brand new with christine and it was so great. i wish i could have done brain surgery on that girl.
everything repeats itself. im just happy to be kind of ahead of the "game". cause i AM ahead of the game.
i know you still read this.
(which applies to more than one.)
i hope you wreck and die.
(which also applies to more than one)
im going to go upstairs and crawl into bed now, wrap my arm around jon and know that hes going to pull my hand kiss it and then put it close to his chest right where his heart is, and in 5 min he will roll over and i will roll over and he will wrap both of his arms around me and we will sleep soundly untill we wake up, because he loves me. he really really loves me. everything about me. this boy loves me and loves all of me.
hah. hah. hah.
its funny how the people that you "think" cared about you, really didnt.
and its funny now how the people that you "think" you made an impression on, you really didnt.
and its funny how what you hold so treasured and what you really hold as your first memories and your first times and your sentimental bullshit that you associate with smells and places and music...isnt shared with other people.
and then you realize that maybe that is a good thing. because it if was recipricated then what the fuck are you with new people for? what was the reason for moving on if the people in your past were holding on to the same memories that you were? right? like what the fuck is the point of growing up and learning and moving on and applying things from previous situations and relationships?
you take what youve been thru, and please im the last person to ever argue that the things anyone has been thru were horrible, i know first hand about the ability of people to be selfish and horrible and unforgiving and unexcepting and everything. it just makes me sick to think that i spent so much time harping over these things. like sick to my stomach.
what the fuck? everyday something happens and i stop and think about how fucking lucky i am to be with who im with and how awesome he is and how much my family loves him.
hes such a big person and he is so giving and loving and supporting and understanding and i dont know what the fuck is in my head sometimes but i hope one day i can wake up and it all makes sense? hah that wll never happen.
im rambling and its making me feel better. its hard to type with a cigarette in you hand and its hard to type with a cigarette in your mouth while the smoke is filtering over your eyes.
i remember seeing brand new with christine and it was so great. i wish i could have done brain surgery on that girl.
everything repeats itself. im just happy to be kind of ahead of the "game". cause i AM ahead of the game.
i know you still read this.
(which applies to more than one.)
i hope you wreck and die.
(which also applies to more than one)
im going to go upstairs and crawl into bed now, wrap my arm around jon and know that hes going to pull my hand kiss it and then put it close to his chest right where his heart is, and in 5 min he will roll over and i will roll over and he will wrap both of his arms around me and we will sleep soundly untill we wake up, because he loves me. he really really loves me. everything about me. this boy loves me and loves all of me.
hah. hah. hah.