(no subject)
Do you know the feeling of realizing that you have messed up. You know its bad and it feels like its not going to change, and then you feel all alone like the poeple you thought were your friends ended up just being fake and way too into themselves. Like you have this urge to be somewhere else with different poeple. Or there are those people you have met but wish you never had. That urge to call someone just for a change. I guess i never have felt like this. Im an easy going person and normally just shrug things off, i dont show my emotions and i guess thats bad. I just need a change, i don't want to be here right now and all of the sudden i feel confused and in the wrong place. I don't get the same joy out of hanging out wiht some people i used to hang out with. And no its not everyone, I would say that those people in track are really the only ones keeping me sane right now. Im really happy wiht some aspects of life but others I just wish i could escape from. I hate showing my weaknesses or acting sad. Someone told me last night that it was werid seing me really bummed out, and yeah i guess it is because i love being one of the upbeat happy kids. It was the first time i ever just wanted to go home, it was the first time i came home, changed into pajamas and just layed down, i didn't talk to my parents, go online, turn on the tv or music.. i just layed down. I thought about things. I have never been a person who could write down their emotions in a diary and i dont think i ever will but when they fill my head i just feel so lost. I have no direction in life right now, Im confused about college and friends and about everything. All of the sudden i feel like people dont really know me. Im guessing people see me as the person who just does good in school and hangs out wiht friends and just has fun? I ahve always felt that way too, i have never appeared to be a complex person but all of the sudden i have all of these thoughts and ideas and drives in life but i have no way of fufilling them it seems. I feel empty in a sense and i really miss my sister. Something is missing, and no i dont mean like "i need a boy.. how sad" because i have never been one to need a guy to feel good about myself. I look at myself and i feel like in 12. I look at my sister and she seems so educated and full of thoughts and stuff, but i feel like a blank slate, i have no influences in life really or anything that really catches my attention. I ahve yet to talk to someone and felt intrigued by their thoughts, i want that. I want to learn about things and really just feel happy and know that eventually my life will take some sort of path and i will be happy. This is just too weird, i dont know what is happening.