The First Post: A Selfish Rant
So, I just finished reading the book Fairest by Gail Carson Levine, the woman who authored one of my favorite books, Ella Enchanted. The more recent read is about an unusually ugly girl named Aza and her Snow White-esque adventure; of course it has a happy ending where she realizes the whole "looks don't matter" thing and where she has someone who loves her for who she is and what she looks like.
That may be all well and good, and you think it would be more inspiring than anything to a girl who thinks herself less than fair-looking sometimes, right? But I find I have mixed feelings because of how warped my mind has become over the years. Because although at first I felt a surge of hope for myself about actually finding someone who would like me for who I am, one look in the mirror turned my thoughts to disgust and despair. It's not that I think I'm repulsive; besides my general fatness everywhere, I think I can look- well average I guess would be the word- sometimes. I think part of the reason for my 180 degree turn of feelings was remembering who I was and that my personality matched nowhere near the heroine's.
I have always thought of myself as inferior to others, especially other women. I don't know why this has always been the case, but I believe it occurs to some extent in all females. It didn't help my state of mind that I always, ironically, had rather gorgeous friends. My earliest best friend Tori I still consider to be one of the most gorgeous girls I have ever had a chance to meet. Not only that, she was extremely talented, funny, and smart [and still is]. In middle school, I had a whole group of beautiful girls I called my best friends: Tiffany, Febe, Natalie, Mellisa, and Stephanie. All great girls, all beautiful, all on a higher level than myself. In high school I got to know the girls who I had thought were snobs way back when; boy was I wrong. I got to know some amazing, beautiful, intelligent, talented, and witty women. And now my two best girlfriends that I found here at the WU are both the same way. I pale in comparison to them. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't found them at such a pivotal point in my life and if they hadn't accepted me.
I always find myself to be the odd one out and I don't know why. I failed to mention my strongest competition and my fiercest ally, my best friend and cousin Kacie. As far as I'm concerned, no one will ever compare to her. Although she's three years younger than me, she's better than me in every way. She's so amazingly gorgeous, with beautiful red hair, pale skin, blue eyes, and a taller and thinner figure. She has such a talent for writing that it discourages me from writing more than just a beginning to every story of mine. She's clever, witty, and very funny, none of which I am at all. The kind of girl that all guys flock to, at least initially, just to sniff out. While I am the girl on the sidelines watching all the events unfold before me, aware that the one getting all the attention is most likely unaware of just how beautiful she really is.
Yes. I know it sounds like part, even most, of my self-esteem is dependent on what men think of me, and that's probably because it's true. I don't know when this happened. I've been trying to pinpoint the time for the last half hour, and haven't come up with anything. I don't know if it was before or after my unfortunate experience began with someone named Jonathan. It very well may have started before, when my group of friends all began to have boyfriends and I did not. Or it could have started after him and had to do with being treated like an object who he most definitely did not find attractive. All I know is, I'm now one of those dependent women that I look down on and the only thing I can see in my future that makes me happy is finally finding someone. I don't have any career goals because nothing interests me enough to turn it into a career, so right now all I'm really hoping for is to meet someone. Anyone. Pretty pathetic, right? All my hopes and dreams are hinged upon finding a guy to spend the rest of my life with. And I'm pretty skeptical about that ever happening because of the way I am. If you were a guy, would you want to be with me after reading this rant?
Didn't think so.
So I suppose I'll never really be happy.
Sorry this was so long.
Sorry if you read it and were bored. I tend to think selfishly a lot.
Sorry if this didn't really have a point and you wasted your time in reading it.
Oh btw I highly recommend both books mentioned above, especially Ella Enchanted. If you haven't seen the dumbass movie, read the book before you ever do. If you saw the movie and hated it, read the book just in case you'll like it. If you saw the movie and liked/loved it, you might not like the book but read it anyway because it's just better. ^_^
That may be all well and good, and you think it would be more inspiring than anything to a girl who thinks herself less than fair-looking sometimes, right? But I find I have mixed feelings because of how warped my mind has become over the years. Because although at first I felt a surge of hope for myself about actually finding someone who would like me for who I am, one look in the mirror turned my thoughts to disgust and despair. It's not that I think I'm repulsive; besides my general fatness everywhere, I think I can look- well average I guess would be the word- sometimes. I think part of the reason for my 180 degree turn of feelings was remembering who I was and that my personality matched nowhere near the heroine's.
I have always thought of myself as inferior to others, especially other women. I don't know why this has always been the case, but I believe it occurs to some extent in all females. It didn't help my state of mind that I always, ironically, had rather gorgeous friends. My earliest best friend Tori I still consider to be one of the most gorgeous girls I have ever had a chance to meet. Not only that, she was extremely talented, funny, and smart [and still is]. In middle school, I had a whole group of beautiful girls I called my best friends: Tiffany, Febe, Natalie, Mellisa, and Stephanie. All great girls, all beautiful, all on a higher level than myself. In high school I got to know the girls who I had thought were snobs way back when; boy was I wrong. I got to know some amazing, beautiful, intelligent, talented, and witty women. And now my two best girlfriends that I found here at the WU are both the same way. I pale in comparison to them. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't found them at such a pivotal point in my life and if they hadn't accepted me.
I always find myself to be the odd one out and I don't know why. I failed to mention my strongest competition and my fiercest ally, my best friend and cousin Kacie. As far as I'm concerned, no one will ever compare to her. Although she's three years younger than me, she's better than me in every way. She's so amazingly gorgeous, with beautiful red hair, pale skin, blue eyes, and a taller and thinner figure. She has such a talent for writing that it discourages me from writing more than just a beginning to every story of mine. She's clever, witty, and very funny, none of which I am at all. The kind of girl that all guys flock to, at least initially, just to sniff out. While I am the girl on the sidelines watching all the events unfold before me, aware that the one getting all the attention is most likely unaware of just how beautiful she really is.
Yes. I know it sounds like part, even most, of my self-esteem is dependent on what men think of me, and that's probably because it's true. I don't know when this happened. I've been trying to pinpoint the time for the last half hour, and haven't come up with anything. I don't know if it was before or after my unfortunate experience began with someone named Jonathan. It very well may have started before, when my group of friends all began to have boyfriends and I did not. Or it could have started after him and had to do with being treated like an object who he most definitely did not find attractive. All I know is, I'm now one of those dependent women that I look down on and the only thing I can see in my future that makes me happy is finally finding someone. I don't have any career goals because nothing interests me enough to turn it into a career, so right now all I'm really hoping for is to meet someone. Anyone. Pretty pathetic, right? All my hopes and dreams are hinged upon finding a guy to spend the rest of my life with. And I'm pretty skeptical about that ever happening because of the way I am. If you were a guy, would you want to be with me after reading this rant?
Didn't think so.
So I suppose I'll never really be happy.
Sorry this was so long.
Sorry if you read it and were bored. I tend to think selfishly a lot.
Sorry if this didn't really have a point and you wasted your time in reading it.
Oh btw I highly recommend both books mentioned above, especially Ella Enchanted. If you haven't seen the dumbass movie, read the book before you ever do. If you saw the movie and hated it, read the book just in case you'll like it. If you saw the movie and liked/loved it, you might not like the book but read it anyway because it's just better. ^_^