this is what goes on in my head.
im in the weirdest mood right now. im so confused about everything. and i have mixed emotions about everything. i hate when im sitting at home alone because all i do is think about every possible bad thing that can happen in my life. i should be enjoying this time but i cant. all i do is worry. worry about whats going to come of me and my life. worry about chris and i and whats going to come of that. and worrying about my best friend. and how shes going to be starting her life and how much i hope to be apart of that even if it means trying so incredibly hard to be there. im going to. im not going to lose everyone. theyre going to get sick of me being in their lives thats how hard im going to try.
i feel like thats all ive been saying the last couple of days. ill try. or im trying. its such a bullshit answer. i really do mean it but it doesnt mean anything until you actually do. and i know that. but its hard. its hard to be strong for everyone else when inside you are completely broken. i feel like theyre really something wrong with me. and it scares me. like maybe this is crazy but maybe i should see someone. im never going to be 100% happy if i dont fix my problems. and my problem is myself. hell i most likely will never be 100% happy. id be lying to myslef if i said i was. i know im not giving 110% to mine and chris's relationship. but as shitty as it sounds i dont see the point in it. i care about him so much it hurts and i know he cares about me too but whats any of that going to mean when hes gone. its fucking hard enough for me to trust him now. how the hell am i going to be able to do that when hes at school surrounded by a million new churchy girls? i know hes a good guy but thats just it. hes still a guy. theyre all the same. when thats all youve ever seen is the typical guy and his typical behaviors its really really hard not to associate that with every other guy. sucks. but its reality.
all this stuff ive been writing for the past few weeks is me. raw me. and i dont know how i wrote all this down. ive never sadi any of this outloud. im scared thatim putting myself out there. its not something i do very well. obviuosly because i write about 10 different things at once because thats exactly whats going on in my head is about a million different things. i probably sound like such a psycho on this thing. thats why after i write these i dont read them. its better that way. my life would be better that way. i wish i would jsut do things and then never look back od think twice about them. but no. not me i have to go home and analyze everything until it makes me crazy. which obviuosly i am. this is too much i need to stop.
i feel like thats all ive been saying the last couple of days. ill try. or im trying. its such a bullshit answer. i really do mean it but it doesnt mean anything until you actually do. and i know that. but its hard. its hard to be strong for everyone else when inside you are completely broken. i feel like theyre really something wrong with me. and it scares me. like maybe this is crazy but maybe i should see someone. im never going to be 100% happy if i dont fix my problems. and my problem is myself. hell i most likely will never be 100% happy. id be lying to myslef if i said i was. i know im not giving 110% to mine and chris's relationship. but as shitty as it sounds i dont see the point in it. i care about him so much it hurts and i know he cares about me too but whats any of that going to mean when hes gone. its fucking hard enough for me to trust him now. how the hell am i going to be able to do that when hes at school surrounded by a million new churchy girls? i know hes a good guy but thats just it. hes still a guy. theyre all the same. when thats all youve ever seen is the typical guy and his typical behaviors its really really hard not to associate that with every other guy. sucks. but its reality.
all this stuff ive been writing for the past few weeks is me. raw me. and i dont know how i wrote all this down. ive never sadi any of this outloud. im scared thatim putting myself out there. its not something i do very well. obviuosly because i write about 10 different things at once because thats exactly whats going on in my head is about a million different things. i probably sound like such a psycho on this thing. thats why after i write these i dont read them. its better that way. my life would be better that way. i wish i would jsut do things and then never look back od think twice about them. but no. not me i have to go home and analyze everything until it makes me crazy. which obviuosly i am. this is too much i need to stop.