sigh.
so yeah.
horrible night the other night.
worst night at work cuz i got in soo much trouble for stupid things that i guess i should have known but i didn't. i should have figured, but no one ever told me, i should have realized but i didn't. i made another stupid mistake.. bad bad, just all very bad. i don't know what i woulda done if chris wasn't there to remind lex how new i am.. and idk.. chris really kinda saved my ass that night. but he's leaving in two weeks, found that out too.. and just, contributed to the bad night. he's just one of my better friends at work.. and he just won't be there anymore. idk it's just like i've known him for what, three weeks now? and just.. work won't be the same.
leaving work.. horrible out. sleeting or something, my car was covered, absolutely covered in ice. freaked me out for some minutes there.. drive home.. slowly.. only to make the turn onto my road and just in slow motion.. sliiiide off the road and get stuck in the snow. all i could think was.. why am i not surprised in the least? that feeling of not being able to control anything.. never felt that like i did at that moment.. kinda how i feel in life though.. that same feeling.
got home.. finally.. to get my decision from duke. the only thought on my mind was that everything that happened tonight.. all the bad stuff.. would be okay if i could just get some good news. maybe life wanted to be ironic and torture me for the night, but give in and give me something really good. but no. deferral. yes, i know, not the end yet. but so very close. i don't do well with rejection, not that anyone does well with it.. but anyone who knows me remotely knows i don't do well at all. it's just everything that duke stood for me, everything in my life that it represented. and that's my fault. for believing so much. for making it into such a huge thing in my mind.. in my life. it was my life. it was my future. and yes, things happen for a reason. i know. i will be happy wherever i end up. but now it's just.. i gave everything, everything i had for this.. and it wasn't good enough. me, who i am.. wasn't good enough. how can anyone get over something like that? such failure.. no other word for it. i'm supposed to write another essay? to somehow convince them? i put everything i had into the ones i already wrote.. i can't choose another topic that is somehow closer to my heart.. i already did that.. dig deeper? there's no where else to turn.. all in all, this was my dream. and like my other dreams in the past, the few others things i really believed in, i really put myself into.. those things always let me down. every one of them.. and just makes me wonder, why do i still believe in things so much? why do i put myself through it? and yes, not the end of the world. but it's the end of dream.. well almost..
it's not a matter of me giving up, it's a matter of me not knowing what to do now.. not knowing how i can believe again..
my friends, my boyfriend.. they are amazing, i know that.. i hope they that too.. i know i haven't shown it.. but i feel it. it's now just a fight with myself. a fight of how much i can give of myself.. again. & again & again.. i'm just doubting myself now, and that's just a bad place to be.
just take me away..
horrible night the other night.
worst night at work cuz i got in soo much trouble for stupid things that i guess i should have known but i didn't. i should have figured, but no one ever told me, i should have realized but i didn't. i made another stupid mistake.. bad bad, just all very bad. i don't know what i woulda done if chris wasn't there to remind lex how new i am.. and idk.. chris really kinda saved my ass that night. but he's leaving in two weeks, found that out too.. and just, contributed to the bad night. he's just one of my better friends at work.. and he just won't be there anymore. idk it's just like i've known him for what, three weeks now? and just.. work won't be the same.
leaving work.. horrible out. sleeting or something, my car was covered, absolutely covered in ice. freaked me out for some minutes there.. drive home.. slowly.. only to make the turn onto my road and just in slow motion.. sliiiide off the road and get stuck in the snow. all i could think was.. why am i not surprised in the least? that feeling of not being able to control anything.. never felt that like i did at that moment.. kinda how i feel in life though.. that same feeling.
got home.. finally.. to get my decision from duke. the only thought on my mind was that everything that happened tonight.. all the bad stuff.. would be okay if i could just get some good news. maybe life wanted to be ironic and torture me for the night, but give in and give me something really good. but no. deferral. yes, i know, not the end yet. but so very close. i don't do well with rejection, not that anyone does well with it.. but anyone who knows me remotely knows i don't do well at all. it's just everything that duke stood for me, everything in my life that it represented. and that's my fault. for believing so much. for making it into such a huge thing in my mind.. in my life. it was my life. it was my future. and yes, things happen for a reason. i know. i will be happy wherever i end up. but now it's just.. i gave everything, everything i had for this.. and it wasn't good enough. me, who i am.. wasn't good enough. how can anyone get over something like that? such failure.. no other word for it. i'm supposed to write another essay? to somehow convince them? i put everything i had into the ones i already wrote.. i can't choose another topic that is somehow closer to my heart.. i already did that.. dig deeper? there's no where else to turn.. all in all, this was my dream. and like my other dreams in the past, the few others things i really believed in, i really put myself into.. those things always let me down. every one of them.. and just makes me wonder, why do i still believe in things so much? why do i put myself through it? and yes, not the end of the world. but it's the end of dream.. well almost..
it's not a matter of me giving up, it's a matter of me not knowing what to do now.. not knowing how i can believe again..
my friends, my boyfriend.. they are amazing, i know that.. i hope they that too.. i know i haven't shown it.. but i feel it. it's now just a fight with myself. a fight of how much i can give of myself.. again. & again & again.. i'm just doubting myself now, and that's just a bad place to be.
just take me away..