another depressing post...
She sits alone again
And tries her best not to pretend
That all she used to live for
Was the love that wasn't there
And every time she needs to do the things
That she believes
Will fill the void inside of her
Because he was never there...
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Sometimes I just wonder if the world would be better off with out me. I mean im honestly a failure. I can't do anything right, all I do is everything wrong. I dont know what to do with myself anymore, I can't get out of this depression...ever since last night I haven't been the same. Saw a side of Dave I didn't want to see last night. Aggression is the culprit. I understand where he is coming from, but don't take your frusterations out on me. If im such a bother don't waste your time with me. But do I want to be alone? do I want to give up on somthing that can change? or stick it out and see that it changes? this is where I am confused, I don't know where I belong. Ive got friends, Ive got family. But why do I feel so alone? why do I hate myself so much? why do I hate my life so much right now? I can't even concentrate. I don't feel okay anymore. I want to lose this weight that I have gained, but I don't know how to do it...I play tennis 4 days a week, I eat literally 1 time a day...its not going away...the weight i've gained is from drinking, but I don't know how else to run away from my problems except to drink...its the only way I can escape what is bothering me. Living on your own is hard...granted ive been on my own practically the last 3 years, its still tough. I have no money, I work meaningless hours and see nothing for it. I'm staying with Home Depot because Lifestyle Fitness didnt offer me enough money and I cant afford a pay cut right now. I dont want to be awake right now. I try to sleep to get away from my problems and the minute I wake up they haunt me again and again. Too many decisions, too much riding on my grades, the stress of school is too much, the stress of being a sucess is difficult. It's either I do well and get into a good grad school and get that job I want, or I don't do well and end up without that Masters and with out the job I want...Right now I don't know how i'm doing. My mental state isnt very clear, infact its quite clouded. I dont know how to handle it anymore and its starting to eat my life one little piece at a time. Whenever I eat I want to throw up. I just want to be the best I can be and I dont see it happening. I dont know how to express what is inside me because I dont know how to get it out. I just want to be happy.
why wont this all just go away.