(no subject)
so yesterday was the offical end to my '05 tennis season
with that coming to close, i've realized a lot of things. i don't have regrets, or wish i could go back and change things, though i'd love to go back and relive it all, the good and the bad, but that's how a lot of things in life are.
i've realized this yera is going by a lot faster than anyone is/will anticipate. all i can do right now is reflect on my year thus far, basically tennis season becuase that is what is over right now, not my year with my friends, but my time with my tennis team. i wish sometimes i wasn't so eager to get home from matches or practices, and that had sticked around sometimes longer, maybe a second or two longer or hte bus, but just to get that extra feeling that you get with friends your comfortable with. hugged someone a little bit longer. regaled longer in our championships. i guess this just isn't the season, but everything in general, becuase i've realized once something ends, it's never the same. like ryann won't ever be the same, no matter how much time we spend together i don't think it'll be the same as it was before she left. we're both leading different lives when prior to august 26 we really weren't..and it's not that i'm devastated, i'm just hitting a realization. in 9 months from now, my relationships with everyone i adore now will change probably forever. no matter what happens i know i'll love every single one of htem to death, even if we arent talking by the time we leave here, they'll always have that place in my heart where they affected my life, maybe in the smallest way possible, maybe in a drastic way.
i've also realized how much my life has changed from freshman year. maturity wise and just socailly wise. the people i talk to now and did then, relationships, etc. a year and a half ago i was with chris, and i could have never imaginged i'd be where i am today, with greg for over a year and still pretty happy. i actually couldn't have ever imagined speaking to greg again after freshman year, let alone be with him again. i actually never could have seen someone be able to produce such an emotion in me to be able to turn around my life completely for them...and i never thought everything could have changed so quickly for me. i never could have seen danny and lynn breaking up, or lynn being with ben and for so long. i never saw myself becoming good friends with ben, when i initally met him because i was good friends with his older sister. i never thought i'd ever stop talking to AJ, or ever find a guy friend who i talk to and value as much as i talked to and valued him, but i did. back in august i never thought i'd get through the first 2 months of school without killing myself or just being completely and utterly depressed. i never thought that when i met jenn and lynnie in elementry school that they'd still be my closest friends come highschool. never saw sarah coming back from homeschooling and becoming one of my closest friends...as far back as 2nd grade, i never thought my best friend moving out of one of the houses near mine would be a good thing, but then taylor came in and from 2nd grade up til now, my senior year, she is still one of my greatest friends. i never thought i'd make a best friend who was older than me that i'd have to say bye to before i even left...
i guess this is just all really reflective for me. i mean, its hitting me that seasons are ending for the last time, friends are getting into college, that i probably wont be home for my dad's birthday again for a long long time, that this could be the last year i'm getting a christmas tree with my dad.
as much as i hate the saying, i seriously want to have a "no regrets" feeling when i leave bernardsville, the only place i've really ever known, with the only people i've really ever known. i want to feel like i can finally let go and move on from this place and all it's inhabitants, and not let go of it in my heart, but physically be able to keep leading a life that i choose for myself. but then again, i want to keep the people i love with me forever, i can't imagine someone ever knowning me as well as my friends do. i don't know...some minutes i never want to leave this place, others i can't wait to start packing.
it's a very realistic and knot-in-my-throat feeling lately...
with that coming to close, i've realized a lot of things. i don't have regrets, or wish i could go back and change things, though i'd love to go back and relive it all, the good and the bad, but that's how a lot of things in life are.
i've realized this yera is going by a lot faster than anyone is/will anticipate. all i can do right now is reflect on my year thus far, basically tennis season becuase that is what is over right now, not my year with my friends, but my time with my tennis team. i wish sometimes i wasn't so eager to get home from matches or practices, and that had sticked around sometimes longer, maybe a second or two longer or hte bus, but just to get that extra feeling that you get with friends your comfortable with. hugged someone a little bit longer. regaled longer in our championships. i guess this just isn't the season, but everything in general, becuase i've realized once something ends, it's never the same. like ryann won't ever be the same, no matter how much time we spend together i don't think it'll be the same as it was before she left. we're both leading different lives when prior to august 26 we really weren't..and it's not that i'm devastated, i'm just hitting a realization. in 9 months from now, my relationships with everyone i adore now will change probably forever. no matter what happens i know i'll love every single one of htem to death, even if we arent talking by the time we leave here, they'll always have that place in my heart where they affected my life, maybe in the smallest way possible, maybe in a drastic way.
i've also realized how much my life has changed from freshman year. maturity wise and just socailly wise. the people i talk to now and did then, relationships, etc. a year and a half ago i was with chris, and i could have never imaginged i'd be where i am today, with greg for over a year and still pretty happy. i actually couldn't have ever imagined speaking to greg again after freshman year, let alone be with him again. i actually never could have seen someone be able to produce such an emotion in me to be able to turn around my life completely for them...and i never thought everything could have changed so quickly for me. i never could have seen danny and lynn breaking up, or lynn being with ben and for so long. i never saw myself becoming good friends with ben, when i initally met him because i was good friends with his older sister. i never thought i'd ever stop talking to AJ, or ever find a guy friend who i talk to and value as much as i talked to and valued him, but i did. back in august i never thought i'd get through the first 2 months of school without killing myself or just being completely and utterly depressed. i never thought that when i met jenn and lynnie in elementry school that they'd still be my closest friends come highschool. never saw sarah coming back from homeschooling and becoming one of my closest friends...as far back as 2nd grade, i never thought my best friend moving out of one of the houses near mine would be a good thing, but then taylor came in and from 2nd grade up til now, my senior year, she is still one of my greatest friends. i never thought i'd make a best friend who was older than me that i'd have to say bye to before i even left...
i guess this is just all really reflective for me. i mean, its hitting me that seasons are ending for the last time, friends are getting into college, that i probably wont be home for my dad's birthday again for a long long time, that this could be the last year i'm getting a christmas tree with my dad.
as much as i hate the saying, i seriously want to have a "no regrets" feeling when i leave bernardsville, the only place i've really ever known, with the only people i've really ever known. i want to feel like i can finally let go and move on from this place and all it's inhabitants, and not let go of it in my heart, but physically be able to keep leading a life that i choose for myself. but then again, i want to keep the people i love with me forever, i can't imagine someone ever knowning me as well as my friends do. i don't know...some minutes i never want to leave this place, others i can't wait to start packing.
it's a very realistic and knot-in-my-throat feeling lately...