(no subject)
I don't know what I want anymore.
Things with Brad are no more,
and I know this. And I like Kevin a lot
but I don't think I'm ready to date someone
right now.
I got hired today to work at Focus
with Aki, and Chels once she gets done
with drivers ed. I hope Tamika and Issiaha
get hired too. It'd be great to work in an environment
where you get along well with the people there.
Part time is going to be hard to take on,
cause I'm usually busy as it is.
so, adding 25 hours a week plus overtime on
Friday, is gonna be something. Especially with school
and the social life I'm just starting to have.
''Social life'' I don't mean, as in being popular or something
superficial, something highschool.
Just that I'm starting to like who I am, and with that
confidence I've opened up and been more relaxed
around people. I guess being honest and open
always helps.
I now owe my dad 1800$ from car bills,
that I plan on paying off by this summer.
I can't get into any more accidents, or get
anymore speeding tickets, cause then the
whole year thing, for graduated licensing
starts over, and I wont be able to leave for
college in November.
I feel anxious and happy right now,
and glum, and confused.
I can't decide what I want to feel,
what I am letting myself feel.
I keep reminding myself that this is all real,
that my life is happening with every action I take.
And that my life really does affect other people
to some extent at least.
I need to do some photography.
I haven't since the Zombicidal Maniac photoshoot
this past weekend. And I am behind on the 365 project.
change keeps happening, and it's scary because
nothing seems to stay the same, at all.
I think this means I should remind myself that
I am constant, That I will always be here for myself.
that should be some reassurance.
slow and steady wins the race.
I keep thinking that we have one life to live,
so being reserved all of the time isn't so good.
But when I step outside of my comfort zone
I don't feel like myself.
And I don't feel like I've been myself for some time now.
I'm sad sometimes and have anxiety attacks where I'm
so angry at myself for some things.
I say nastey things in my head sometimes
and later on when I feel better I know I didn't mean them.
Things happen for a reason.
And sometimes I'm upbeat and brightside and
wearing my brave face, telling myself that eventually
things will be good, and that things aren't too bad right now.
sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm happy.
and in that line, I see I'm not.
I don't know what will make me happy,
cause things really aren't that bad.
I have a lump in my throat right now.
I came out with ''I'm not okay with this.''
this weekend, and accepted that it's okay
for me to be discontent with something,
even if it's a choice that I've made.
I have to keep reminding myself that
I'm human, even if I resent that fact
that I need sometimes.
I also figured out this weekend how to
explain what I'm feeling when I'm having
an anxiety attack.
''I want to rip my insides out,
I feel like they are hollow. I want to scream,
and let the air fill my lungs. I want to exhale and
feel my insides branching out. I hate this feeling,
and I don't want it anymore. I don't want any of it.''
I keep saying I'm going to meditate,
but I never make it that far. I just sit really still
and space out in thought. Let's add that to my wrist,
''meditate tonight.''
I have no conclusion in this journal,
kind of an update I suppose.
I think I'm going to give Brad a call
tonight so that I can get closure,
and gain composure for when I'm
feeling low.
time to go
and do homework.