November 14, 8:07pm.
Finals are soon.
The college courses I have
have me stressing.
I'm feeling dissociative tonight.
Dissociative and indifferent.
Like no matter what, nothing matters.
Like this cycle is never ending.
In a calm way, with no anxiety.
I don't work at the funeral home anymore.
At least, not that I know of.
I go in there every now and again,
and they say 'I'll call you.' but it never happens.
I have a lot of homework to make up in Discrete math,
only to barely pass. Because I don't apply myself,
because my mind is focused on trying to
stay afloat when it comes to winter,
because I always turn into a shell
this time of year.
I want to find a job, to occupy my time.
It's complicated because of my age, and interests.
Sixteen, living in Clinton Iowa... and a vegan.
I mention the second in this only because
the only places I can work really..
are fast food places.
I'm dating someone-
His name is Brad.
He comes home from guard soon.
I'm excited and terrified, at the same time.
As far as my art goes,
I'm at a cross between time for that,
for myself.
And time to fit in others,
which is also for myself, my well being.
Every day feels like waiting.
It's been well over 250 days since
one of my best friend's brother, Ben
went missing. That's still a strain,
though it affects me only indirectly.
I don't mean to complain,
about any of this, because things
could always be worse.
And I think, if in a different mood,
I'd say that I am the happiest right now
that I have ever been.
I can drive now,
I've got my license.
But it's never far enough away.
I'm not running from anything,
or to anything.
Maybe it's that I'm unsatisfied with my life
right now. I can't help but feel as though
something is missing.
Which takes me back to this bit I read on silence
is today's fast paced world.
I think I may move to Cali one day.
Or somewhere that offers warmth.
I don't like changing this much,
going from being really chill and
relaxed with my life and the way that it is,
to feeling like some major part is missing,
and never knowing what there is to fill that
void.
I feel like I'm working on so much
when it comes to self.
Feeling, for one.
Because I'm used to closing out
when the anxiety is too much.
Which then cancels out my feelings
entirely, leaving me blank.
I am a very rational being.
It's a difficult adjustment to go from
basing everything off of logic,
to trying to go by feelings.
It feels as though I'm learning to
feel all over again.
So much is new.
It feels as though I'm not just an
observer of my own life, but that
every little choice that I make leads me
to another. Instead of everything being
distorted, it's so much more... real.
and close.
Painting..
I've grown to dislike nearly all
that I have created. Wanting to
destroy it only to start over new,
to then go back to the cylce of it
being unsatisfying.
Writing..
comes with feeling.
and I'm used to the same realm of that.
If I felt something other than negatives,
enough to be in writing mode,
I don't even know where I'd start.
Just doesn't seem right.
..comfort zone?
Photography..
I haven't done in awhile.
I'm planning on buying a
Nikon D60 by December.
Not that I'm holding off until then,
more as..
my computer rejects my photography
and any files connected to,
because the trojan eat everything,
and I haven't set up a new program yet.
People..
I am experiancing more of than ever
before in my life. And it seems as though
the more I expose myself, my intentions,
thoughts and feelings.. both possitive and
negative.. I'm making progress with people.
Whether they feel relation through empathy,
or it's a win/win situation where we both gain
knowledge. Or, I'm honest and that shows early
on in the relationship..
It seems to be working.
and it leads back to communication,
and self.
Religion,
or lack there of,
or oppinion on anything relating to.
I haven't grown much in that category.
Or spirituality.
Or deeper sense of self beyond psych.
Perhaps I need to spend more time with
myself.
My thoughts on certain things are ever changing.
and now the gates are open for new things.
I feel like going for a hike.
maybe tomorrow, when it's light out
I'll go somewhere where I can be one with
nature, and think out loud.
and write, maybe I'll write.
The college courses I have
have me stressing.
I'm feeling dissociative tonight.
Dissociative and indifferent.
Like no matter what, nothing matters.
Like this cycle is never ending.
In a calm way, with no anxiety.
I don't work at the funeral home anymore.
At least, not that I know of.
I go in there every now and again,
and they say 'I'll call you.' but it never happens.
I have a lot of homework to make up in Discrete math,
only to barely pass. Because I don't apply myself,
because my mind is focused on trying to
stay afloat when it comes to winter,
because I always turn into a shell
this time of year.
I want to find a job, to occupy my time.
It's complicated because of my age, and interests.
Sixteen, living in Clinton Iowa... and a vegan.
I mention the second in this only because
the only places I can work really..
are fast food places.
I'm dating someone-
His name is Brad.
He comes home from guard soon.
I'm excited and terrified, at the same time.
As far as my art goes,
I'm at a cross between time for that,
for myself.
And time to fit in others,
which is also for myself, my well being.
Every day feels like waiting.
It's been well over 250 days since
one of my best friend's brother, Ben
went missing. That's still a strain,
though it affects me only indirectly.
I don't mean to complain,
about any of this, because things
could always be worse.
And I think, if in a different mood,
I'd say that I am the happiest right now
that I have ever been.
I can drive now,
I've got my license.
But it's never far enough away.
I'm not running from anything,
or to anything.
Maybe it's that I'm unsatisfied with my life
right now. I can't help but feel as though
something is missing.
Which takes me back to this bit I read on silence
is today's fast paced world.
I think I may move to Cali one day.
Or somewhere that offers warmth.
I don't like changing this much,
going from being really chill and
relaxed with my life and the way that it is,
to feeling like some major part is missing,
and never knowing what there is to fill that
void.
I feel like I'm working on so much
when it comes to self.
Feeling, for one.
Because I'm used to closing out
when the anxiety is too much.
Which then cancels out my feelings
entirely, leaving me blank.
I am a very rational being.
It's a difficult adjustment to go from
basing everything off of logic,
to trying to go by feelings.
It feels as though I'm learning to
feel all over again.
So much is new.
It feels as though I'm not just an
observer of my own life, but that
every little choice that I make leads me
to another. Instead of everything being
distorted, it's so much more... real.
and close.
Painting..
I've grown to dislike nearly all
that I have created. Wanting to
destroy it only to start over new,
to then go back to the cylce of it
being unsatisfying.
Writing..
comes with feeling.
and I'm used to the same realm of that.
If I felt something other than negatives,
enough to be in writing mode,
I don't even know where I'd start.
Just doesn't seem right.
..comfort zone?
Photography..
I haven't done in awhile.
I'm planning on buying a
Nikon D60 by December.
Not that I'm holding off until then,
more as..
my computer rejects my photography
and any files connected to,
because the trojan eat everything,
and I haven't set up a new program yet.
People..
I am experiancing more of than ever
before in my life. And it seems as though
the more I expose myself, my intentions,
thoughts and feelings.. both possitive and
negative.. I'm making progress with people.
Whether they feel relation through empathy,
or it's a win/win situation where we both gain
knowledge. Or, I'm honest and that shows early
on in the relationship..
It seems to be working.
and it leads back to communication,
and self.
Religion,
or lack there of,
or oppinion on anything relating to.
I haven't grown much in that category.
Or spirituality.
Or deeper sense of self beyond psych.
Perhaps I need to spend more time with
myself.
My thoughts on certain things are ever changing.
and now the gates are open for new things.
I feel like going for a hike.
maybe tomorrow, when it's light out
I'll go somewhere where I can be one with
nature, and think out loud.
and write, maybe I'll write.