(no subject)
i miss him...i miss him more than people say i should...i dont know why but i do...after everything we've gone through...after zack handed me over to him and he didnt seem to care...i still dont know if he does...my heart dropped when he said he did love me...but i cant tell whats real and whats fake anymore...i need proof...i guess i wont be getting that for a while...i dont understand why people care for me soo much...im nothing anymore...its like i cant control myself...i dont know what to do anymore and i keep thinking back to that amazing night we were in my room, laying on my bed, looking out my window, watching the storm...the night where he said *i love you*...the night he held me in his arms and i could hear his heart beat with every breath he took...that is the night i will NEVER ever forget...that is the night that made me feel like me again...the me where i was happy and had no worries and felt like no matter what i did i had nothing to worri or lose...i guess things change when you fall for someone...its all just soo complicated...certain memories bring me to tears and certain ones make me hate myself for ever doing what i did...if there is one thing i regret, that was letting him go as easy as i did...i didnt want him to but he did...for all i know things may never be the same again...things may never happen again either...i'll just have to wait and see whats in store for me next when the time comes...until then im off to think
You wanna know how i know i love him? You know that feeling you get in your stomach when you really like someone? Well everytime i think about him i get that feeling in my heart... I love him and i hate him. Hes all right for me and all wrong for me at the same time. He makes me cry harder than i've ever cried, but he makes me smile bigger than i've ever smiled. He gives me this intense feeling, i always want to throw it away and yet i never want to let it go. Theres this emotion that i hold in my heart, and i want to let him go and keep him...all in the same feeling...i love him yet i hate him. Now you found someone else. Someone you think loves you more, loves you better. You dont feel the need to listen to me anymore. Once you realize that we dont talk, we dont share and you dont care. Dont come running to me, asking what happened. You were the one who pushed me away. You were the one who gave me pain. And when you see these newly painted scars, i hope you cry, i hope it breaks your heart. Because then you'll know what you did to me, and the feeling you get when your best friend decides to leave. Now as far as i know, i dont know anything...Cause you made damn sure, i wasnt anything. Somethings make you bleed, somethings cause you pain. Take a simple knife, and shoot it through your vein. At first you may not feel it, at first it may not bleed. It make take a while, just for you to see. You do what you do, especially hurting me. I cant figure it all out, why the hell cant we be?