Not alone, just lonely all of the time
I feel better tonight than I have in a long time.
Last night I admitted to myself that I think I am actually somewhat depressed. Not really badly, I mean I usually deal alright. And I would never cut myself, or become anorexic or bulimic, though that's partially because I'm far too squeamish for that, and I like food. But I do honestly believe this is more than just being lonely and unhappy sometimes.
"People don't talk much about depression, especially the people who are depressed. There's too much shame and feelings of wrongness (why can't I just be normal inside?). Being depressed means that you feel alone. It's hard to reach out. It's hard to even express what you're feeling (or the fact that you can't feel anything). It's hard to voice it, to understand. Your mind, your heart, it feels quicksand inside and you're sinking. You can't call out for help because you can't admit that you feel wrong inside. A divide grows between you and all the normal people around you. It's the isolation that's the worst. It feeds the illness."
This was part of a comment I read on fandom march madness, of all things, about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I've never watched the show before, but I read the comment and I started crying because this is pretty much exactly how I've felt for a longtime, and have never been able to express it so perfectly. I knew I was unhappy, I knew I was lonely. I didn't realize how deeply it hurt.
On the positive side, today was a big improvement. After crying for about an hour very late last night and talking to some lovely people online, I decided to take a mental health day today, even though I've been sick lately and was home Monday as well. Sometimes, you just gotta do what you need to do. I had a good breakfast and lunch, watched an episode of Firefly, and did some indoor biking. I went for a two-hour bike ride and finally got around to listening to the Mumford and Suns album (which is amazing, btw). I finished a financial aid application for college, and actually did a bit of homework. And I finally sent my "best friend" an email telling her that I miss her, and would really like to talk, but have accepted we're never gonna make this relationship work how I want it to. It feels wonderful to just get outside for a while and neither fret about what needs to be done or just sit around procrastinating.
It's been pretty hard lately. I may not have any particularly good reason to be unhappy, but I am. I think I can do this though.
Last night I admitted to myself that I think I am actually somewhat depressed. Not really badly, I mean I usually deal alright. And I would never cut myself, or become anorexic or bulimic, though that's partially because I'm far too squeamish for that, and I like food. But I do honestly believe this is more than just being lonely and unhappy sometimes.
"People don't talk much about depression, especially the people who are depressed. There's too much shame and feelings of wrongness (why can't I just be normal inside?). Being depressed means that you feel alone. It's hard to reach out. It's hard to even express what you're feeling (or the fact that you can't feel anything). It's hard to voice it, to understand. Your mind, your heart, it feels quicksand inside and you're sinking. You can't call out for help because you can't admit that you feel wrong inside. A divide grows between you and all the normal people around you. It's the isolation that's the worst. It feeds the illness."
This was part of a comment I read on fandom march madness, of all things, about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I've never watched the show before, but I read the comment and I started crying because this is pretty much exactly how I've felt for a longtime, and have never been able to express it so perfectly. I knew I was unhappy, I knew I was lonely. I didn't realize how deeply it hurt.
On the positive side, today was a big improvement. After crying for about an hour very late last night and talking to some lovely people online, I decided to take a mental health day today, even though I've been sick lately and was home Monday as well. Sometimes, you just gotta do what you need to do. I had a good breakfast and lunch, watched an episode of Firefly, and did some indoor biking. I went for a two-hour bike ride and finally got around to listening to the Mumford and Suns album (which is amazing, btw). I finished a financial aid application for college, and actually did a bit of homework. And I finally sent my "best friend" an email telling her that I miss her, and would really like to talk, but have accepted we're never gonna make this relationship work how I want it to. It feels wonderful to just get outside for a while and neither fret about what needs to be done or just sit around procrastinating.
It's been pretty hard lately. I may not have any particularly good reason to be unhappy, but I am. I think I can do this though.