Jan 18, 2005 03:25
goddess i feel so fucking sick.
i think half a fifth of beam on an empty stomach was a little too much.
i wanted to drown away all the thoughts that kept swimming in my head.
now i'm swimming in my lonliness and i'm losing my little bit of grip on reality.
wait what reality?
i don't think reality really exists. it's just this horrible hell that people are stuck in for eternity. just an agonizing torture. that only drugs, alcohol or self harm deletes.
reality is merely a dream. nothing really exists. not you not me. not the blood running down my arm and thigh. not the smiling pictures of fond memoreies looking down on me from the walls. not the shadows that attempt to end my solace with their cruel dance upon my bed sheets. nothing exists. nothing was never ment to ecists. i'm nothing. i was never meant to exist. my mom told me i was an accident. i am the reason she fucked up her life. she had everything going for her and i fucked it up for her because if was born. i never asked to be born. i never asked to come into this world and suffer with what i have gone though. to be hated by everyone. to look the way i look, to talk the way i talk, to be who i am. this is one fucked up dream and i wish i could wake up.
god i can taste him still on my lips and smell him on my clothes. i can't believe i want what i can't have. i always want what's beyond my reach. that's the point i guess. the most tempting thing is the thing that we cannot have. its like when your grandma puts cookies in a cookie jar and tells you not to eat one until later. that just makes you want it more. more more more. if she wouldn't have said that you probably would've waited until later. god fucking damn.
i woke up in the bath tub today. the water was so hot and so red. in the bath tub i layed for awhile. just thinking. i hate when i think. it hurts when i think hack to memories psat and remember who i am and where i came from. i sometimes sit back and watch people talk. happy people. smiling people. laughing people. and wish to be like them. i wish to be like them for just a minute. even a second. just to remember how it feels to be loved. to be wanted. to be saved.
i can't feel that anymore. one too many times hurt i guess. i've built up a wall around me and i hurt myself everytime i want ot let someone in. now there's someone who's seen inside me and still loves me for me. i'm hoping that this is real. i mean as real as reality gets since reality is a dream.
i take that back. i can feel it. i just won't feel it. if i feel it then my lows are just gonna get lower and lower and i'll sink back down to what i was. crying like a fucking kid.
i did cry today. as much as it hurts me to say i did cry today. in that bath tub with my red bath wateri cried just for the fucking sake of crying. i felt so dirty when i wiped away the tears that streamed down my face. crying is just a vunerability. a weakness that i don't need and can't have. not if i wanna stay strong.
the pain is numbing now. after so long i can't feel it anymore.
i'm so lost in my head. i wish i could get out but i doubt i'll ever find the way. i'm lost in my thoughts and my feelings and my wishese and wants and dreams. what is there anymore?
welps of raised flesh have taken over my body. i cut just so i know that i still have control. sometimes i feel like i've lost my grip on reality and on my actions and my thoughts and me.
i feel that way when i cut. out of control swipes of anger just to show myself that i do hate myself. i've been taught to hate myself. i've been force-fed the idea of hating myself. ever since i was born and breathing i've hated myself. my mom has, my grandma has. who hasn't?
sometimes i cut when i'm happy. just to tell myself that it is going to get worse and that my high is gonna go down. way fucking down.
i wish i wasn't so lost. i wish someone was with me to show me the way but no one is there. no one is in front of me or behind me or even beside me. and why am i not suprised? why am i not suprised? why am i not fucking suprised?
i don't understand how someone could even look at me. let alone tell me that they love me. i'm beginning to lose my faith in love. maybe it doens't exist. if it does i can't find it and maybe it lost my address.
i feel like such a horrible blemish on society. i hate myself and everyone hates myself and i wish i was someone else some place else. anyone anywhere. i just hate being me. sometimes i wonder if i did end it all would i become someone else someplace else.
i'm fracturing. i'm bending and breaking and splintering and no one seems to notice.
'm so fucking broken and damaged and just by touching me i'll contaminate you with the fear of living. the fear of loving someone. the fear of getting hurt.
i've had so much heartache in my life. if i have anyoother one i don't htink i can take it.
i can't take much more.
goddess i feel so fucking emo typing all this shit which no one will read which no one will care or comment or talk or feel or hear or think of my words. people only read words. they never feel them. can you feel the razor? smell the water? taste the blade? see the fear behind my eyes? do you understand anything that i type or write or talk or say?
i feel so fucking alone.