(no subject)
i hate to bitch and complain, i'm really trying to stop acting like this, but tonight i absolutely can't help it.
i can't live here anymore. i am going insane. my father talks all day and night about how crazy and delusional i am. and makes constant suggestions that i should be heavily medicated and in a hospital. upstairs, in the next room, even in the same room. and when he talks to me gives me these long, rude, confrontional, intruding speeches that are supposed to motivate me, i guess, but really all they do is make me even more furious with him.
all he's done my entire life is try to guilt trip me into being a perfect kid. and my entire life all i have done is the opposite. to try to spite him? i don't even know. all i know is that while spending half of my life drunk isn't helpful at all, it's doing the opposite of what he wants. and i will NEVER, EVER give that stupid fucking asshole the satisfaction of knowing that i'm doing something he wants me to do.
and as much i hate my mother for being such a miserable, whipped pussy, i love her all the same. i really, really do. she is the only reason i haven't just taken off and left this entire fucking mess of what i'm supposed to call my family. i know that if she left me here with him i would never forgive her, so i can't very well leave her with him. if we left together and took my brothers and just never looked back everything would be fine, i know it would be. but she never will leave. ever. which means i can't either. i'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life.
see, if my mother was a strong person, the solution would be simple. i could just live with one of my friends until i could get on my feet and support myself. last summer i was about two inches away from moving in with katie. but i couldn't, because my mother would absolutely die without me. when my dad is screaming at her and she's just sitting there and taking it, who stands up for her? who tells him to shut the hell up? who gets him off her ass for the next five minutes, at least? without me, she wouldn't have anyone.
not to mention nicky and mikey are going to grow up to be complete weirdos, just like me, because the same vicious cycle is repeating itself. i watched mad crazy fighting my entire childhood, i ended up screwed up like nobody's business. they watch it, same for them.
i can't save everyone. i can't. i can't even come close to saving myself. how am i supposed to take care of my mother, both my brothers, and anyone else that happens to come along?
goodnight. /lj-cut>
i can't live here anymore. i am going insane. my father talks all day and night about how crazy and delusional i am. and makes constant suggestions that i should be heavily medicated and in a hospital. upstairs, in the next room, even in the same room. and when he talks to me gives me these long, rude, confrontional, intruding speeches that are supposed to motivate me, i guess, but really all they do is make me even more furious with him.
all he's done my entire life is try to guilt trip me into being a perfect kid. and my entire life all i have done is the opposite. to try to spite him? i don't even know. all i know is that while spending half of my life drunk isn't helpful at all, it's doing the opposite of what he wants. and i will NEVER, EVER give that stupid fucking asshole the satisfaction of knowing that i'm doing something he wants me to do.
and as much i hate my mother for being such a miserable, whipped pussy, i love her all the same. i really, really do. she is the only reason i haven't just taken off and left this entire fucking mess of what i'm supposed to call my family. i know that if she left me here with him i would never forgive her, so i can't very well leave her with him. if we left together and took my brothers and just never looked back everything would be fine, i know it would be. but she never will leave. ever. which means i can't either. i'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life.
see, if my mother was a strong person, the solution would be simple. i could just live with one of my friends until i could get on my feet and support myself. last summer i was about two inches away from moving in with katie. but i couldn't, because my mother would absolutely die without me. when my dad is screaming at her and she's just sitting there and taking it, who stands up for her? who tells him to shut the hell up? who gets him off her ass for the next five minutes, at least? without me, she wouldn't have anyone.
not to mention nicky and mikey are going to grow up to be complete weirdos, just like me, because the same vicious cycle is repeating itself. i watched mad crazy fighting my entire childhood, i ended up screwed up like nobody's business. they watch it, same for them.
i can't save everyone. i can't. i can't even come close to saving myself. how am i supposed to take care of my mother, both my brothers, and anyone else that happens to come along?
goodnight. /lj-cut>