six days.
i made him laugh two days ago.
i walk around in a daze, awaking from my slumber only to answer when called on and shove sustenance down this gaping hole of a mouth. i can't feel anything.
he grinned at me, and i melted.
i feel like a meaningless shell of a person. my life's purpose is hidden somewhere inside these hallowed halls, and so i march around like a recruit on a mission. where is it? fifty minutes are up. wind me, will you? i've got to make it to the next class in two point thirty seven milliseconds, or this faceless, unfeeling suit of armor i've been issued will start to shut down. three. i've come undone. two. i'm unraveling. one. watch me, watch me self-destruct.
knowing that i caused all those little serotonin synapses in his brain to fire and the neurotransmitters to connect and every single little cell inside his body feel happy enough to smile like that? wow. just wow. and i thought, 'it's me this time. it's me.'
i yelled at my mom yesterday for no reason at all. she was nice enough to drive me to school when i was running late, and i was frustrated. i just let loose, started screaming on about nothing and everything and all these things she does to mean well that have always secretly pissed me off and she treated me coldly but i looked at her face and i knew. people practice their 'i couldn't care less' faces, and that means something. if you have to practice, then you do care. and that's okay. i apologized later for being such a jerk. i felt horrible. i was horrible. it's like sometimes i forget what really matters and i forget how fragile we all really are. we are.
i need to stop caring so much and sensing things that aren't there. please teach me how to stop. i don't think i love him. i just need something to love.
for two days i haven't felt. no, i have. i feel numb. that's what i am. numb.