Christmas, Memphis, and my delusioned thoughts of Karma
It had been a long, and frustrating 15 years. We had gone out in the snow and rain, but had never been rewarded. Sure, there had been a few bright spots, but nothing of consequence. A very long winter, a winter that seemed would never end, had come over the city. Christmas hadn't come to the Cincinnati Bengals in 15 years. This year, however, was different. Armed with a new quarterback and the elusive concept of hope, we won our division. The city came together, united under a single catch phrase of "Who Dey." The winter, it seemed, was over. Christmas came in the form of a playoff game, a little over a week ago. Imagine with me, if you will, having Christmas for the first time in 15 years. Imagine running down the stairs to see a mountain of presents waiting. Then imagine them all disappearing right before you were able to touch them. This story does not have a happy ending. On the second snap of the game, our leader, Carson Palmer, was sidelined with what could be a career ending injury. The Pittsburgh Steelers have robbed Cincinnati of something. They have robbed us of hope. Fear not, however, for cheaters will always be punished. The Cincinnati Bengals shall rise again.
I had written a few things I wanted to say about 4 days ago, but it didn't sit right with me. I left it there, hoping that the right words would come, but they didn't. I was happy when the my computer decided to get really slow, and I restarted, glad that the words disappeared.
So many things have happened in my life in even the last month and a half. I was excited to go home and see my family. I was excited to see my friends. I was even excited to spend a few days on the couch watching Lost after I went under the knife. It was great to spend time with my family. I even played some Battlefront II with David, and we definately bonded while putting an end to the evil reign of the Galactic Empire in the galaxy. Being with some of my friends, however, only showed me how much I don't belong there. It made me quite sad. The same jokes aren't funny anymore. I hate having to fake smiles, but its the only way. I never thought that loyal friends would be hard to find, but unfortunately I was wrong.
If being a Christian means that you follow Christ, then I am not a Christian. When I think about it, its actually very funny. I assume that I, Jon Kraft, have a better plan than the creator of the universe, who loves me more than I will ever be able to understand. It's so hard for me to believe this, however, when God seems so distant. I don't understand why He plays spectator to my life when it seems I need him the most. Maybe he's become tired of my exclamations of hate and frustration, and wants me to see what my life is like without trusting him. I think I've done a great job, though. Just look at all the great decisions I've made.
I've listened to "It's Only Love" by The Beatles 40 times. The song is only 2 minutes long, however, so that means I've only spent 80 minutes of my life listening to it.
"Commitment is what you're made of. The problem is, you don't know how to let go."
-Christian Shepherd
Sure, that quote wasn't meant for me. I couldn't help but use it in my current situation. Where do the lines of faith and realism connect? Which is the right choice? Do I believe, wholeheartedly, that one day it just might work out? By having faith, do I set myself up for more pain? Is that the risk that is required in having faith? Is faith just a form of insanity (Scully said that)? Do I look at past history, and guard myself? Do I shut everyone out, just in fear of pain and hurt? What is going to happen next year? I just listed 9 questions, none of which I know the answer. I don't know. I do know one thing, though. I'm not good at letting go, nor will I ever be. I have to believe in the good of a person, even if it is small and seemingly hidden. I have to believe that there is hope.
I think that I am going to England for spring break. This will serve two purposes. First, the best way to fix problems in your life is to remember that you aren't the only human being on the planet. Maybe helping others will awaken something in me. I also hope that I will come back with a permanent British accent. I'm excited.
There are some moments in life that I never want to forget. One of them happened last night. Watching Jon Dillard play guitar for us is put on the highlights of my life list. I can't even really explain it. I'm very thankful that I was able to witness it, for the second time in my life. After watching him, I never wanted to pick up a guitar again, knowing I would never be able to play that well. I did, though. I have to say that I love being in Memphis. The people there are so much more fun to be around than good ol' Cincy. I love my Cincy friends, but sometimes there is just no comparison. Just being in the presence of people like Stephanie, Josh David, Stephen, Merri (sp?), Tracy and Adrienne (sp?) is amazing. These people barely even know me, but they are accepting and loving all the same. I love them.
The other night, I caught your eye. Almost instantly, I realized about 3 things. Maybe more. First off, I realized how much of an ass I was/am. I don't have any idea why it took me so long, but it did. I realized who you are. I realized how amazing you really are. In that moment, I realized that I am not invincible. I thought I would come out ok, I thought that I could make it alone. Untrue. In that moment, God said to me, "Now do you understand? I tried to tell you." I'm so sorry, and I'm going to make it right.
This entry is mostly melancholy, and there is a reason for that. I feel like there is a sunrise coming, and I'm very excited for it. Cursive wrote a song called "A Gentlemen Caller", and in it, they say "the worst is over, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo". For the first time in a long time, or maybe ever, I don't care if anyone reads what I just said. That's good.
I had written a few things I wanted to say about 4 days ago, but it didn't sit right with me. I left it there, hoping that the right words would come, but they didn't. I was happy when the my computer decided to get really slow, and I restarted, glad that the words disappeared.
So many things have happened in my life in even the last month and a half. I was excited to go home and see my family. I was excited to see my friends. I was even excited to spend a few days on the couch watching Lost after I went under the knife. It was great to spend time with my family. I even played some Battlefront II with David, and we definately bonded while putting an end to the evil reign of the Galactic Empire in the galaxy. Being with some of my friends, however, only showed me how much I don't belong there. It made me quite sad. The same jokes aren't funny anymore. I hate having to fake smiles, but its the only way. I never thought that loyal friends would be hard to find, but unfortunately I was wrong.
If being a Christian means that you follow Christ, then I am not a Christian. When I think about it, its actually very funny. I assume that I, Jon Kraft, have a better plan than the creator of the universe, who loves me more than I will ever be able to understand. It's so hard for me to believe this, however, when God seems so distant. I don't understand why He plays spectator to my life when it seems I need him the most. Maybe he's become tired of my exclamations of hate and frustration, and wants me to see what my life is like without trusting him. I think I've done a great job, though. Just look at all the great decisions I've made.
I've listened to "It's Only Love" by The Beatles 40 times. The song is only 2 minutes long, however, so that means I've only spent 80 minutes of my life listening to it.
"Commitment is what you're made of. The problem is, you don't know how to let go."
-Christian Shepherd
Sure, that quote wasn't meant for me. I couldn't help but use it in my current situation. Where do the lines of faith and realism connect? Which is the right choice? Do I believe, wholeheartedly, that one day it just might work out? By having faith, do I set myself up for more pain? Is that the risk that is required in having faith? Is faith just a form of insanity (Scully said that)? Do I look at past history, and guard myself? Do I shut everyone out, just in fear of pain and hurt? What is going to happen next year? I just listed 9 questions, none of which I know the answer. I don't know. I do know one thing, though. I'm not good at letting go, nor will I ever be. I have to believe in the good of a person, even if it is small and seemingly hidden. I have to believe that there is hope.
I think that I am going to England for spring break. This will serve two purposes. First, the best way to fix problems in your life is to remember that you aren't the only human being on the planet. Maybe helping others will awaken something in me. I also hope that I will come back with a permanent British accent. I'm excited.
There are some moments in life that I never want to forget. One of them happened last night. Watching Jon Dillard play guitar for us is put on the highlights of my life list. I can't even really explain it. I'm very thankful that I was able to witness it, for the second time in my life. After watching him, I never wanted to pick up a guitar again, knowing I would never be able to play that well. I did, though. I have to say that I love being in Memphis. The people there are so much more fun to be around than good ol' Cincy. I love my Cincy friends, but sometimes there is just no comparison. Just being in the presence of people like Stephanie, Josh David, Stephen, Merri (sp?), Tracy and Adrienne (sp?) is amazing. These people barely even know me, but they are accepting and loving all the same. I love them.
The other night, I caught your eye. Almost instantly, I realized about 3 things. Maybe more. First off, I realized how much of an ass I was/am. I don't have any idea why it took me so long, but it did. I realized who you are. I realized how amazing you really are. In that moment, I realized that I am not invincible. I thought I would come out ok, I thought that I could make it alone. Untrue. In that moment, God said to me, "Now do you understand? I tried to tell you." I'm so sorry, and I'm going to make it right.
This entry is mostly melancholy, and there is a reason for that. I feel like there is a sunrise coming, and I'm very excited for it. Cursive wrote a song called "A Gentlemen Caller", and in it, they say "the worst is over, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo". For the first time in a long time, or maybe ever, I don't care if anyone reads what I just said. That's good.