This one is for the Girls
So here it is. I've almost written this about 3 times, but stopped for one or two reasons. I won't tell you them because they are pointless and insignificant reasons and need not be mentioned. I've thought and thought, and this is what I have come up with: this one is for the girls.
Sometimes I'm so lost in thought, I look up bewildered. Where am I? Reality soon sets in however, and my blissful world of dream comes to a screeching halt. What might be titled my own personal hell comes into blinding focus, as I realize I dont even have control of my hands anymore. I am a living, breathing robot. Now the work itself is not hell, I mean, it is repetitive and boring, but I have a low intelligence, so I suppose it suits me fine. The hell part is that I am left to my imagination. The only way to pass time is either talking or escaping. Most of the time I choose to escape. While this may seem to be a good idea, it ruins me. I won't tell you how because you will blackmail me.
I hopelessly opened the door and stepped outside. I didn't want to be here. I was suppossed to be home falling hopelessly in love. I was torn. A new door was presented to me, and I didn't want to turn the nob. I was afraid of what was hiding its face - afraid of the unknown. You were all that I wanted. Summer was gone, but your presence still haunted my mind.I couldn't get you out even if I had wanted to. I opened the trunk, and dumped my bag on the ground. This was it.
The intro is unforgettable. It's one of those songs that never seems to leave your mind, and always make you smile when it comes on. The piano bristled and the smiles grew. He stood up and looked down at her. This was his chance. He took her in his armes and they danced. She smiled back at him, and he knew she was the one. They were walking in memphis.
"The sea was angry that day, my friends."
The fact is, I love CSI. I could watch it all day and be surprised by what time it was. However, I did not want to spend most of my summer in front of the television. Therefore I made a list of things that I wanted to accomplish before the summer came to a close. See what you think:
1. Begin what I had seemed to give up about 11 months ago: The game that has broken any man who dared to challenge it. The game of golf.
2. Practice guitar extensively- I'm afraid I am not the guitar player that I want to be. I want to be better.
3. Learn the piano - One day, while sitting in my room, the song "We're So Far Away" by Mae exploded through my speakers in a new light. I had to play that song. Someday, somehow, I had to play it. That's not the only one, however: Konstantine must sing from my fingers before they pile the dirt over my lifeless body.
4. Late night drives - I can have a destination, or not, it really doesn't matter to me. I know I think well when I drive, and the second best time to drive is late at night, and not at 430 in the morning on the way to work.
5. Answer my phone calls - Yeah, about that....
6. Buy lots of clothes - I'm pretty much sick of wearing band shirts all the time, so Erik and myself are now designating ourselves as 'Indie Prep'. The thrift store and Gap are being frequented by my money.
7. Change who I am - This one is alot harder that I could have ever imagined. Changing who I am means changing what people think about me. This is nearly impossible. In order to do this, not only do I have to change my entire personality, goals, actions, and choices, but I must keep this up long enough that people know I have changed. I don't like who I am, and this is no selfish pity party, but the truth. So instead of putting up a rediculously vague away message up and hope people will understand exactly what is going on in my head, I will do something about who I am
and who I want to be.
So here is the good part. The part where you can have some piece of mind. I told everyone it was over. I told almost everyone that it wouldn't happen again. But I lied to you. I would have done anything to have the one thing I had wanted for so long: her. Well, this is your moment of triump. This is where you can stand up in your room, and scream at the top of your lungs, "Finally, that son of a bitch got what he deserved." You can say it without shame and as loud as you want. I won't mind at all. Because that is who I was. I made some of the worst choices of my entire life, and I almost got away with them. But you know what, I didn't, and I'm glad. I was denied the one thing that I thought I could have.
I was denied the one thing that I wanted more than amazing guitar skills or a real story about me saving someone from a shark. I can't have her. A week ago, I would have probably broken something and said some bad words. I would have run away and shut down so fast you wouldn't have had any idea what had happened. This time, its different. This one is for the girls. I'm not going to mention all of the girls I've hurt in my life, but you know who you are. Know that I got what I deserved. I got it where it hurt. I'm sorry.
I just got yelled at because I send too many text messages. Lame. Jay yelled at me for being illiterate. Lame. I have to get up for work tomarrow and make at least 3000 dollars for school next year. Lame.
Let's get to the chase. I miss people from Lipscomb, and I miss Nashville dreadfully. In all honesty, however, it has not been as bad as I thought it would be. Coming has had some great moments already. "I wrote a letter once. The girl drove over to my house and burned it in front of my face." Star Wars was amazing. My cousin Matt and I destroyed the entire family in cornhole. Mario Tennis and Hackey sack. Applebees. Shows. Gosh, even watching the X-Files and CSI after a long day of work is gratifying. I've found ways to escape: Cleaning and Cutting the grass. The Bridge. Candles. Cornerstone.
Memories. Conversations without judgement. Fear suppressed. Cutting myself while shaving (I just feel so grown up!).Finding my most favorite GI Joe that I ever had. Man.
So my family is going to Florida for a week in like 2 weeks. So basically, I will have the entire house to my self for an entire week. Im thinking partayyy. So how about Nashville kids make plans and Cincy kids prepare. It could be amazing.
CSI. X-Files. Monk. Seinfeld. Who's Line is it Anyway? The O.C. Seriously, the only shows you need to watch.
Today was a hard day. I drove through tri county, and had the idea of going into Family Christian. This was not a good idea, to say the least. Pretty soon, everything on my drive home became a memory landmark. Everything from high school instantaneously hit me like a freight train. Good memories, bad memories, it really didn't matter. So, I took them, and did the same thing that I did to them last August. I opened the little box in my brain labeled "Don't ever open", and slid them in. There, that was easy.
Pain was something that I never really dealt with during high school. I wish I had. Every time something bad happened, I immediately used my wild card: the girlfriend. Oh, this solved everything. It worked every time. Not anymore. Now I have no one. At first, it is something really hard to deal with. Then you go through denial and everything is fine til you realize you are alone and then it sucks again. Then you actually sit down and say look, this is what God told me to do, and now I'm going to figure out why. This is the door. I took the knob, and turned it slowly. It was one of those rusty knobs on old scary houses that creek and never open. It took me over a year to open, and now I stand looking
through the doorway. A long time a listened to a song that said, "feel the pain, teaching us how much more we can take, reminding us how far we've come." I didn't know what pain was. Now I do, and I realize how far I've come. Pain is necessary in life, and even though it sucks, you have to deal with it. I'm not going to use people anymore--or at least try as hard as I can. Maybe now I can become the man who I desperately need to be.
"I'm not the boy I once was, but I'm not the man I'll be."
Heres to you, Mrs. Robinson. Cheers.
Sometimes I'm so lost in thought, I look up bewildered. Where am I? Reality soon sets in however, and my blissful world of dream comes to a screeching halt. What might be titled my own personal hell comes into blinding focus, as I realize I dont even have control of my hands anymore. I am a living, breathing robot. Now the work itself is not hell, I mean, it is repetitive and boring, but I have a low intelligence, so I suppose it suits me fine. The hell part is that I am left to my imagination. The only way to pass time is either talking or escaping. Most of the time I choose to escape. While this may seem to be a good idea, it ruins me. I won't tell you how because you will blackmail me.
I hopelessly opened the door and stepped outside. I didn't want to be here. I was suppossed to be home falling hopelessly in love. I was torn. A new door was presented to me, and I didn't want to turn the nob. I was afraid of what was hiding its face - afraid of the unknown. You were all that I wanted. Summer was gone, but your presence still haunted my mind.I couldn't get you out even if I had wanted to. I opened the trunk, and dumped my bag on the ground. This was it.
The intro is unforgettable. It's one of those songs that never seems to leave your mind, and always make you smile when it comes on. The piano bristled and the smiles grew. He stood up and looked down at her. This was his chance. He took her in his armes and they danced. She smiled back at him, and he knew she was the one. They were walking in memphis.
"The sea was angry that day, my friends."
The fact is, I love CSI. I could watch it all day and be surprised by what time it was. However, I did not want to spend most of my summer in front of the television. Therefore I made a list of things that I wanted to accomplish before the summer came to a close. See what you think:
1. Begin what I had seemed to give up about 11 months ago: The game that has broken any man who dared to challenge it. The game of golf.
2. Practice guitar extensively- I'm afraid I am not the guitar player that I want to be. I want to be better.
3. Learn the piano - One day, while sitting in my room, the song "We're So Far Away" by Mae exploded through my speakers in a new light. I had to play that song. Someday, somehow, I had to play it. That's not the only one, however: Konstantine must sing from my fingers before they pile the dirt over my lifeless body.
4. Late night drives - I can have a destination, or not, it really doesn't matter to me. I know I think well when I drive, and the second best time to drive is late at night, and not at 430 in the morning on the way to work.
5. Answer my phone calls - Yeah, about that....
6. Buy lots of clothes - I'm pretty much sick of wearing band shirts all the time, so Erik and myself are now designating ourselves as 'Indie Prep'. The thrift store and Gap are being frequented by my money.
7. Change who I am - This one is alot harder that I could have ever imagined. Changing who I am means changing what people think about me. This is nearly impossible. In order to do this, not only do I have to change my entire personality, goals, actions, and choices, but I must keep this up long enough that people know I have changed. I don't like who I am, and this is no selfish pity party, but the truth. So instead of putting up a rediculously vague away message up and hope people will understand exactly what is going on in my head, I will do something about who I am
and who I want to be.
So here is the good part. The part where you can have some piece of mind. I told everyone it was over. I told almost everyone that it wouldn't happen again. But I lied to you. I would have done anything to have the one thing I had wanted for so long: her. Well, this is your moment of triump. This is where you can stand up in your room, and scream at the top of your lungs, "Finally, that son of a bitch got what he deserved." You can say it without shame and as loud as you want. I won't mind at all. Because that is who I was. I made some of the worst choices of my entire life, and I almost got away with them. But you know what, I didn't, and I'm glad. I was denied the one thing that I thought I could have.
I was denied the one thing that I wanted more than amazing guitar skills or a real story about me saving someone from a shark. I can't have her. A week ago, I would have probably broken something and said some bad words. I would have run away and shut down so fast you wouldn't have had any idea what had happened. This time, its different. This one is for the girls. I'm not going to mention all of the girls I've hurt in my life, but you know who you are. Know that I got what I deserved. I got it where it hurt. I'm sorry.
I just got yelled at because I send too many text messages. Lame. Jay yelled at me for being illiterate. Lame. I have to get up for work tomarrow and make at least 3000 dollars for school next year. Lame.
Let's get to the chase. I miss people from Lipscomb, and I miss Nashville dreadfully. In all honesty, however, it has not been as bad as I thought it would be. Coming has had some great moments already. "I wrote a letter once. The girl drove over to my house and burned it in front of my face." Star Wars was amazing. My cousin Matt and I destroyed the entire family in cornhole. Mario Tennis and Hackey sack. Applebees. Shows. Gosh, even watching the X-Files and CSI after a long day of work is gratifying. I've found ways to escape: Cleaning and Cutting the grass. The Bridge. Candles. Cornerstone.
Memories. Conversations without judgement. Fear suppressed. Cutting myself while shaving (I just feel so grown up!).Finding my most favorite GI Joe that I ever had. Man.
So my family is going to Florida for a week in like 2 weeks. So basically, I will have the entire house to my self for an entire week. Im thinking partayyy. So how about Nashville kids make plans and Cincy kids prepare. It could be amazing.
CSI. X-Files. Monk. Seinfeld. Who's Line is it Anyway? The O.C. Seriously, the only shows you need to watch.
Today was a hard day. I drove through tri county, and had the idea of going into Family Christian. This was not a good idea, to say the least. Pretty soon, everything on my drive home became a memory landmark. Everything from high school instantaneously hit me like a freight train. Good memories, bad memories, it really didn't matter. So, I took them, and did the same thing that I did to them last August. I opened the little box in my brain labeled "Don't ever open", and slid them in. There, that was easy.
Pain was something that I never really dealt with during high school. I wish I had. Every time something bad happened, I immediately used my wild card: the girlfriend. Oh, this solved everything. It worked every time. Not anymore. Now I have no one. At first, it is something really hard to deal with. Then you go through denial and everything is fine til you realize you are alone and then it sucks again. Then you actually sit down and say look, this is what God told me to do, and now I'm going to figure out why. This is the door. I took the knob, and turned it slowly. It was one of those rusty knobs on old scary houses that creek and never open. It took me over a year to open, and now I stand looking
through the doorway. A long time a listened to a song that said, "feel the pain, teaching us how much more we can take, reminding us how far we've come." I didn't know what pain was. Now I do, and I realize how far I've come. Pain is necessary in life, and even though it sucks, you have to deal with it. I'm not going to use people anymore--or at least try as hard as I can. Maybe now I can become the man who I desperately need to be.
"I'm not the boy I once was, but I'm not the man I'll be."
Heres to you, Mrs. Robinson. Cheers.