The Vineyard
Ok, I'm gonna talk about work for awhile, so deal with it.
You know what really sucks about my job? (Btw, I'm a pastry chef if you didn't know). But yeah, what really sucks about my job is that even though I only work 2 days a week, IT STILL SUCKS AWAY MY LIFE. It's spring break, and I've been working, and then I get home, and I have to practice and make trial runs of stuff. And I'm like, yo, it's spring break, I wanna get trashed and party like it's 1999. And Chef's all, Um, no, you're gonna make pie.
Do I look like I make pies?
I do.
And I did.
I made lemon meringue pie and a bitch-ass-awesome tiramisu.
I was gonna make creme caramels, but I ran out of eggs.
But seriously, brownies are going to kill me. The guy before me didn't leave a recipe, so I've been having to wing it this whole time. They look like shit guys. Don't order the fucking brownies. Order a baked apple which I winged, wung?, sucessfully. they're awesome. Don't be a bitch.
I spent from noon to 7 making dessers you guys, and if I wasn't making desserts, I was making a new binder full of recipies because the old one is so old, the recipes were written on a typewriter. Yeah, so... probably somewhere between the stone age and "back in the day".
Chasity and I were talking at work one day about how she lj-ed rules for customers of a resturant. And I told her between the 2 of us we could probably write a book. She said I should lj a few just to be sassy. I agree, and since I'm hyped up on espresso and sugar and sassy-ness, today will be the day.
Number One: Keep your little mother-fuckers (I.E- children) on a short leash. If I have to get on my hands and knees to clean up another pile of crushed cheerios, I'm going to start killing first borns. God help you if you're a first born. Also, I want to do my job, it's what I'm paid for and tipped out to do. I can't do my job if I'm tripping over 5-year-olds. Keep them at the fucking table. If you're worried you can't keep them busy, LET ME HELP YOU. I used to babysit for a living, don't think I can't keep them at the table and busy. (However, I expect to be tipped accordingly)
Number Two: If I have to crawl under any more booths to reach napkins you left on the floor, or wedged between the seat and the wall, I'm going to punch you in the face. It's an inconvience, it messes up my uniform, and makes me look really unprofessional. Also, I have to take precious time to crawl under there and when I waste time, I get yelled at. Just set your things on the table, all of it. Even if you have gum wrappers, put them on the fucking table. I will take care of it for you. Rule of thumb: If you would have to make someone crawl, you're doing something wrong.
Number Three: I'm going to seat you where there is space. Because I work at a resturant, I'm going to seat you in the best place I can possible find for you. If I go to seat you at a table, and you want to sit at the table right next to it, you're only making things difficult. And making me move you halfway through a dinner is a really huge problem. I'd never tell you it's a problem to your face, but it is. What usually ends up happening is when you move, you move to another waitors section, which means your prior server has to switch over a table to someone else, etc, and in the end SOMEONE loses money. Don't be stupid, a round vs. square, or booth vs. table is not going to change your view on the resturant. You're going to enjoy the food and company no matter where you are. Stop bitchin at me.
(side note: We make table arrangements during busy holidays. They usually take an hour to write up and work out. If you make me switch your table, it ruins it and I have to rewrite the whole thing which is a huge problem, say, during New Years when we have a full place.)
Number Four: Don't make me run back and forth to your table. I have to move around enough as it is. I would much rather you tell me the 5 things you need so I can bring them all to you at once. I don't want to make 5 trips and waste your time AND my time. I have trays. I have BIG trays. I can bring out ALOT of things at once. Just ASK me. Don't be a bitch.
Number Five: Know your food. I cannot tell you the amount of times people order and don't know what they're ordering. Angel hair pasta is really thin and long- like really skinny speghetti. Penne is small (about an inch or 2 long) and round and has a hole in the middle. Gnocchi is a small round lump. Alfredo is a white sauce. Rare is RED. Medium is PINK. Well-done is NO PINK. Chicken stuffed with porchutto means exactly as it is implied. It doesnt mean your chicken isn't cooked all the way through, it means there is porchutto in the MIDDLE of your CHICKEN. Also, if you think your meat is not cooked how you asked for it, I bet you're wrong. I think a chef knows when the meat is done. It's his fucking job to know. Your job is to enjoy what we give you. Shut up and stop being picky.
Number Six: You get paid alot no doubt. If you're at a nice resturant, you must make enough money for luxeries like this. Your waitor, however, is getting paid mininum wage for a thank-less job in which we have to deal with spoiled bitches, annoying children, and over-paid snobs. Tips would be nice. General rule of thumb: 15% is a decent tip. Or if you're too lazy to bust out your cellphone that has a calculator built in, take the tax total and double it. Don't get me wrong though, if your waitor spilt hot alfredo sauce in your lap or you got chicken when you ordered steak, you don't have to tip that much- if at all. But on the flip-side, if your waitor bends over backwards for you, or has to deal with your ridiculous demands, tip extra. Tip alot extra. Because what you don't know is your tip goes to the waitor, and a percentage of it goes to bus-boys, chefs, dishwashers, etc. Don't be stingy, we'll like you less and try to pawn you off on other waitors next time you come in. (Note: School-teachers, you are absolutely not underpaid. You make ALOT of money and you have ALOT of bonus' included in your job. You can afford to tip an extra 5 bucks. You're just acting like uptight assholes who think that 40k a year is "nothing". Try living on 400 a month as a fucking college student and we'll see how you do.)
You know what really sucks about my job? (Btw, I'm a pastry chef if you didn't know). But yeah, what really sucks about my job is that even though I only work 2 days a week, IT STILL SUCKS AWAY MY LIFE. It's spring break, and I've been working, and then I get home, and I have to practice and make trial runs of stuff. And I'm like, yo, it's spring break, I wanna get trashed and party like it's 1999. And Chef's all, Um, no, you're gonna make pie.
Do I look like I make pies?
I do.
And I did.
I made lemon meringue pie and a bitch-ass-awesome tiramisu.
I was gonna make creme caramels, but I ran out of eggs.
But seriously, brownies are going to kill me. The guy before me didn't leave a recipe, so I've been having to wing it this whole time. They look like shit guys. Don't order the fucking brownies. Order a baked apple which I winged, wung?, sucessfully. they're awesome. Don't be a bitch.
I spent from noon to 7 making dessers you guys, and if I wasn't making desserts, I was making a new binder full of recipies because the old one is so old, the recipes were written on a typewriter. Yeah, so... probably somewhere between the stone age and "back in the day".
Chasity and I were talking at work one day about how she lj-ed rules for customers of a resturant. And I told her between the 2 of us we could probably write a book. She said I should lj a few just to be sassy. I agree, and since I'm hyped up on espresso and sugar and sassy-ness, today will be the day.
Number One: Keep your little mother-fuckers (I.E- children) on a short leash. If I have to get on my hands and knees to clean up another pile of crushed cheerios, I'm going to start killing first borns. God help you if you're a first born. Also, I want to do my job, it's what I'm paid for and tipped out to do. I can't do my job if I'm tripping over 5-year-olds. Keep them at the fucking table. If you're worried you can't keep them busy, LET ME HELP YOU. I used to babysit for a living, don't think I can't keep them at the table and busy. (However, I expect to be tipped accordingly)
Number Two: If I have to crawl under any more booths to reach napkins you left on the floor, or wedged between the seat and the wall, I'm going to punch you in the face. It's an inconvience, it messes up my uniform, and makes me look really unprofessional. Also, I have to take precious time to crawl under there and when I waste time, I get yelled at. Just set your things on the table, all of it. Even if you have gum wrappers, put them on the fucking table. I will take care of it for you. Rule of thumb: If you would have to make someone crawl, you're doing something wrong.
Number Three: I'm going to seat you where there is space. Because I work at a resturant, I'm going to seat you in the best place I can possible find for you. If I go to seat you at a table, and you want to sit at the table right next to it, you're only making things difficult. And making me move you halfway through a dinner is a really huge problem. I'd never tell you it's a problem to your face, but it is. What usually ends up happening is when you move, you move to another waitors section, which means your prior server has to switch over a table to someone else, etc, and in the end SOMEONE loses money. Don't be stupid, a round vs. square, or booth vs. table is not going to change your view on the resturant. You're going to enjoy the food and company no matter where you are. Stop bitchin at me.
(side note: We make table arrangements during busy holidays. They usually take an hour to write up and work out. If you make me switch your table, it ruins it and I have to rewrite the whole thing which is a huge problem, say, during New Years when we have a full place.)
Number Four: Don't make me run back and forth to your table. I have to move around enough as it is. I would much rather you tell me the 5 things you need so I can bring them all to you at once. I don't want to make 5 trips and waste your time AND my time. I have trays. I have BIG trays. I can bring out ALOT of things at once. Just ASK me. Don't be a bitch.
Number Five: Know your food. I cannot tell you the amount of times people order and don't know what they're ordering. Angel hair pasta is really thin and long- like really skinny speghetti. Penne is small (about an inch or 2 long) and round and has a hole in the middle. Gnocchi is a small round lump. Alfredo is a white sauce. Rare is RED. Medium is PINK. Well-done is NO PINK. Chicken stuffed with porchutto means exactly as it is implied. It doesnt mean your chicken isn't cooked all the way through, it means there is porchutto in the MIDDLE of your CHICKEN. Also, if you think your meat is not cooked how you asked for it, I bet you're wrong. I think a chef knows when the meat is done. It's his fucking job to know. Your job is to enjoy what we give you. Shut up and stop being picky.
Number Six: You get paid alot no doubt. If you're at a nice resturant, you must make enough money for luxeries like this. Your waitor, however, is getting paid mininum wage for a thank-less job in which we have to deal with spoiled bitches, annoying children, and over-paid snobs. Tips would be nice. General rule of thumb: 15% is a decent tip. Or if you're too lazy to bust out your cellphone that has a calculator built in, take the tax total and double it. Don't get me wrong though, if your waitor spilt hot alfredo sauce in your lap or you got chicken when you ordered steak, you don't have to tip that much- if at all. But on the flip-side, if your waitor bends over backwards for you, or has to deal with your ridiculous demands, tip extra. Tip alot extra. Because what you don't know is your tip goes to the waitor, and a percentage of it goes to bus-boys, chefs, dishwashers, etc. Don't be stingy, we'll like you less and try to pawn you off on other waitors next time you come in. (Note: School-teachers, you are absolutely not underpaid. You make ALOT of money and you have ALOT of bonus' included in your job. You can afford to tip an extra 5 bucks. You're just acting like uptight assholes who think that 40k a year is "nothing". Try living on 400 a month as a fucking college student and we'll see how you do.)