(no subject)
im getting to the point where im pretty sure none of it matters again. i may have been fake and plastic a week ago but at least i felt fake things. now i dont feel anything at all. i guess this is my defense mechanism? im just sitting here. and feeling... nothing. even though he didnt call me last night, and even though i know you're not going to come over this week, or next week, or ever. i know he's going to do that invisable thing. where he's just gone. but right now, i feel nothing. at all. im blank. and i know this is wrong. because i sort of still feel it, like an echo. and its sending me this wave of complete despair at the though of him doing that... but its muted right now. so it doenst matter. and i know that you're never going to come help me with this. but even that doesnt matter. because i knew when you said it you were lying anyways. maybe you we planning on it, maybe you convinced yourself it would be possible but i know that it will never happen. and you'll get upset over this. but maybe thats a good thing. i wouldnt, because i dont feel it at all. so here we are and here i am and this is where you told me to be. im me. what now? again, i fucked up EVERYTHING FOR YOU. AGAIN. ive fucked everything i had going for me. at your insistance. he is GONE. again G-O-N-E. she is gone. everyone is gone. nate and mandie are gone. zack is gone. what the fuck? i got rid of them all because you said it was the healthy thing to do. but you dont even understand these words, do you? im pretty sure i had something really healthy. im mad at you. i resent this. i resent you for making me do this. you always make me do this. you say its the right fucking thing to do but why the hell do i feel worse? why the hell is he gone now when he wasent a week ago? what does that even mean? fuck. and i wont do it again. now its not clean. now its not healthy and all i have is you. and you wont give me what i need. so im fucked.