(no subject)
isnt that a little over the hill and around the bend? possibly. so many years of turmoil and ive yet to have a good impact on anything at all. all things considered, ive given up on that. my humanity is no more, i am just a machine that works to survive for nothing. i can not deny, however, that i still feel the weakness of a human (the emotions, the fatigue, the wearing of my muscles and bones). there are a few specs of happiness that flutter here and there, flutter like butterflies that rest in your palms for a moment and flee sooner or later. sometimes i think i should just swat them away to shorten the pain that follows each loss.
so many decisions in my head that i should make, but who knows if ill ever have the guts. i could keep treading along with them and treasure the temporary euphoria, bleed it dry of every last drop, but ill always know the deeper i get the harder it is to swim back up for air. this moral could be attributed to anything. but, like a human, i am weak. everything is paradoxical... the greatest things are the worst, and the worst things can leave you in a much better place.
i want neutrality. i want to stop worrying about making people happy, but its in my nature to try and create something for someone else that ive never had, because i have this stupid thought that makes me think im capable. im really not though. its all an illusion, for myself, for anyone else.
i wrote this drunk as all hell last night after the show. who knows what it means... much less surreal than normal.
if i were something greater,
there might be a chance to transcend.
I am just matter, a remnant pixel in space and time.
not enough to harness a true bond, only close calls and hallucinations.
the broken man, a forshadowing, the end of this road for me.
I will become him, and regret creating him, i birthed his pain, spawned my own route.
Id be a fool to say i havent known all along that everything ends up the same.
the same doom for every creature, in these situations, in an overall perspective of life.
ill make this one easy to forget, because forgetting is all ill ever have.
And this as well... a little more surreal.
grandeur
an unwanted wish.
heavenly and untouchable.
below the bridge, everyone crosses.
set alone until the end of time.
programmed to melancholy and panic.
for all of you who feel it, i am here the same.
maybe forever, maybe just now.
either way we'll always know what its like to grind our teeth.
falling submissive to dreams of perfection.
the end crawls closer though, to kiss our toes and say a sweet goodnight.
and we'll lay here at her feet then, begging to be held, but nothing saves.
so many decisions in my head that i should make, but who knows if ill ever have the guts. i could keep treading along with them and treasure the temporary euphoria, bleed it dry of every last drop, but ill always know the deeper i get the harder it is to swim back up for air. this moral could be attributed to anything. but, like a human, i am weak. everything is paradoxical... the greatest things are the worst, and the worst things can leave you in a much better place.
i want neutrality. i want to stop worrying about making people happy, but its in my nature to try and create something for someone else that ive never had, because i have this stupid thought that makes me think im capable. im really not though. its all an illusion, for myself, for anyone else.
i wrote this drunk as all hell last night after the show. who knows what it means... much less surreal than normal.
if i were something greater,
there might be a chance to transcend.
I am just matter, a remnant pixel in space and time.
not enough to harness a true bond, only close calls and hallucinations.
the broken man, a forshadowing, the end of this road for me.
I will become him, and regret creating him, i birthed his pain, spawned my own route.
Id be a fool to say i havent known all along that everything ends up the same.
the same doom for every creature, in these situations, in an overall perspective of life.
ill make this one easy to forget, because forgetting is all ill ever have.
And this as well... a little more surreal.
grandeur
an unwanted wish.
heavenly and untouchable.
below the bridge, everyone crosses.
set alone until the end of time.
programmed to melancholy and panic.
for all of you who feel it, i am here the same.
maybe forever, maybe just now.
either way we'll always know what its like to grind our teeth.
falling submissive to dreams of perfection.
the end crawls closer though, to kiss our toes and say a sweet goodnight.
and we'll lay here at her feet then, begging to be held, but nothing saves.