oh yay another rant from another teenage girl
aka "no you don't want to read further so just go about your business"
[really though just don't]
I have friends. I have a (generally) supportive family. I live in a middle class family, so I'm not constantly tight on money. I have a car and a roof above my head. In school, I made fairly decent grades. I wasn't popular, by far, but I always had a few friends and several acquaintances. I've (surprisingly) had four "boyfriends" in the span of my high school career. I play in an orchestra, I was a part of my school's Academic Decathlon team, I participate in a couple youth groups.
I'm pretty much a freaking normal person.
I just don't know what's wrong. I shouldn't feel bad--everyone is very quick to tell me that, certainly. The second I tell my mom or a friend or a priest or anyone that I can't stop from feeling off every once in a while (usually weekly), they can't figure out why. If anything, they write it off as "pre-college anxiety" (and I'm certain that said anxiety is making the issue worse; I won't pretend that I'm not upset over college).
But, I promise you, that's not it.
I've been like this from middle school. I can't help it. People get mad at me, I make people upset, but I can't stop it. I don't know what is going on.
I mean, let me list out the negatives, I guess.
I fight with my parents, a lot. It's just as much my fault as it is theirs, so I can't say that they're mean or abusive. I just wish we could understand each other or that they had some kind of patience for me or something.
I'm fat. Don't anyone dare argue to me that I'm not, because I am. I've been fat my entire life--it's partly genetics, partly my fault--and it's pretty much just something I'm going to have to deal with.
I'm not extraordinarily talented at anything. There is nothing that I specialize in. Really. Even though I was #2 in my class, I never got the "highest average" trophies on Honor's Day. I draw, but almost all of my friends are better than me. I play the violin, but I'm mediocre at best. I'm absolutely terrible at math and the only reason I didn't fail it (especially this year) is because I gave up a lot to study and freak out over it. I'm an all-around type of person, with no particularly notable talents or skills, and it drives me batshit insane.
Three of my four "boyfriends" weren't really boyfriends, and the "relationships" ended quite roughly. The fourth boyfriend, the most recent, was an important learning experience that left me in shambles (by no fault of my ex) for a good majority of last year.
Wah wah wah. Let me play you another sad song, yeah?
Like I said, I have a normal life. Ups and downs, you know, like everybody else.
So why can't I feel normal? Why can't I be happy whenever I make an A or finally learn that orchestra piece or get done talking to my friends?
All my friends are tired of my whining. I know this. If you're reading this, any of you, I'm sorry. Thanks, too, I guess, for sticking with me even though I suck. I just don't know what to do other than to type and, rarely, talk about it. I'm tired of crying and complaining, but I don't know what to do.
I legitimately wish I wasn't such a coward and I could kill myself. I don't want to live feeling like I am.
No matter what I do, I always go back to feeling like this. No matter how happy I was two hours ago, I'm crying and hurting now and I'm sorry if that is stupid or annoying or if I don't deserve what I've got, but I can't stop it. I feel empty.
Not sad, empty. Numb.
Sadness, personally, is a negative but fleeting emotion. You feel yourself hit the bottom and you cry or yell or type and you work it out however you can and, even if only slightly, you feel better afterwards.
Empty doesn't work like that. I've cried and screamed and talked and prayed and prayed and prayed and laughed and played it off and smiled and tried to cover it up and I've motherfucking sucked it up and, damn it all, I still don't feel better. I don't know if I can feel better.
I would so much rather be sad and feel it and know what I was feeling and have a reason for it than be like this. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not feeling right. I'm tired of complaining and whining like this because I don't know what else to do. I just want it all to end--yeah, it'd be nice if, BAM, I felt better and could enjoy everything. I'm tired of having to use distractions and stupid things to keep my mind off of everything that I can't enjoy.
I don't deserve everything that I've been given in life. I was dealt an extremely fair, perhaps even lucky, hand. But, damn it all, I can't enjoy it and it's driving me crazy. Maybe I'm just a really bad person or something and this is some kind of punishment, but I don't know what to do. I'm confused and hurt and empty and I can't figure out why. I want to enjoy life and what I've been given and I want to have friends that don't have to put up with my constant moodiness or whining and I can't figure out what's wrong so that I can fix it.
Why am I like this.
Why can't I be happy.
I'm sorry, to my friends and family and anyone that cares, even if you don't read this or you don't understand. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[really though just don't]
I have friends. I have a (generally) supportive family. I live in a middle class family, so I'm not constantly tight on money. I have a car and a roof above my head. In school, I made fairly decent grades. I wasn't popular, by far, but I always had a few friends and several acquaintances. I've (surprisingly) had four "boyfriends" in the span of my high school career. I play in an orchestra, I was a part of my school's Academic Decathlon team, I participate in a couple youth groups.
I'm pretty much a freaking normal person.
I just don't know what's wrong. I shouldn't feel bad--everyone is very quick to tell me that, certainly. The second I tell my mom or a friend or a priest or anyone that I can't stop from feeling off every once in a while (usually weekly), they can't figure out why. If anything, they write it off as "pre-college anxiety" (and I'm certain that said anxiety is making the issue worse; I won't pretend that I'm not upset over college).
But, I promise you, that's not it.
I've been like this from middle school. I can't help it. People get mad at me, I make people upset, but I can't stop it. I don't know what is going on.
I mean, let me list out the negatives, I guess.
I fight with my parents, a lot. It's just as much my fault as it is theirs, so I can't say that they're mean or abusive. I just wish we could understand each other or that they had some kind of patience for me or something.
I'm fat. Don't anyone dare argue to me that I'm not, because I am. I've been fat my entire life--it's partly genetics, partly my fault--and it's pretty much just something I'm going to have to deal with.
I'm not extraordinarily talented at anything. There is nothing that I specialize in. Really. Even though I was #2 in my class, I never got the "highest average" trophies on Honor's Day. I draw, but almost all of my friends are better than me. I play the violin, but I'm mediocre at best. I'm absolutely terrible at math and the only reason I didn't fail it (especially this year) is because I gave up a lot to study and freak out over it. I'm an all-around type of person, with no particularly notable talents or skills, and it drives me batshit insane.
Three of my four "boyfriends" weren't really boyfriends, and the "relationships" ended quite roughly. The fourth boyfriend, the most recent, was an important learning experience that left me in shambles (by no fault of my ex) for a good majority of last year.
Wah wah wah. Let me play you another sad song, yeah?
Like I said, I have a normal life. Ups and downs, you know, like everybody else.
So why can't I feel normal? Why can't I be happy whenever I make an A or finally learn that orchestra piece or get done talking to my friends?
All my friends are tired of my whining. I know this. If you're reading this, any of you, I'm sorry. Thanks, too, I guess, for sticking with me even though I suck. I just don't know what to do other than to type and, rarely, talk about it. I'm tired of crying and complaining, but I don't know what to do.
I legitimately wish I wasn't such a coward and I could kill myself. I don't want to live feeling like I am.
No matter what I do, I always go back to feeling like this. No matter how happy I was two hours ago, I'm crying and hurting now and I'm sorry if that is stupid or annoying or if I don't deserve what I've got, but I can't stop it. I feel empty.
Not sad, empty. Numb.
Sadness, personally, is a negative but fleeting emotion. You feel yourself hit the bottom and you cry or yell or type and you work it out however you can and, even if only slightly, you feel better afterwards.
Empty doesn't work like that. I've cried and screamed and talked and prayed and prayed and prayed and laughed and played it off and smiled and tried to cover it up and I've motherfucking sucked it up and, damn it all, I still don't feel better. I don't know if I can feel better.
I would so much rather be sad and feel it and know what I was feeling and have a reason for it than be like this. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not feeling right. I'm tired of complaining and whining like this because I don't know what else to do. I just want it all to end--yeah, it'd be nice if, BAM, I felt better and could enjoy everything. I'm tired of having to use distractions and stupid things to keep my mind off of everything that I can't enjoy.
I don't deserve everything that I've been given in life. I was dealt an extremely fair, perhaps even lucky, hand. But, damn it all, I can't enjoy it and it's driving me crazy. Maybe I'm just a really bad person or something and this is some kind of punishment, but I don't know what to do. I'm confused and hurt and empty and I can't figure out why. I want to enjoy life and what I've been given and I want to have friends that don't have to put up with my constant moodiness or whining and I can't figure out what's wrong so that I can fix it.
Why am I like this.
Why can't I be happy.
I'm sorry, to my friends and family and anyone that cares, even if you don't read this or you don't understand. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.