why, at this moment, do i seem to have so many problems? im usually the least complicated...

[xbig__brat]

i wish i knew how to express how i feel. i can never think of the words to say, and if i do...i always screw it up some how. god i wish i knew every word in the entire world so that i could possiby convey my feelings appropriatly. sometimes i wish i could be perfect enough. i mean, im nowhere near close..but being perfect enough would suit me just fine. i wish i wasnt so insecure. all the times that ive been fucked over have finaly seemed to have taken their toll. honestly, ive been on a fine edge now for a while, and its pissing me off. all i need.. God, i dont even know what i need. i do know.. i need to talk and open up. but im so scared to, because im not trying to get hurt. i never open up because its out of my comfort zone, but unfortunatly that zone is quite small. i hate the fact that im so flawed... i wish i could be more chill or more something. god i dont even know what im talking about. i do know... im sick of being scared. im scared of everything. im not ready for anything it feels like..maybe i am ready, im just not letting myself be ready. im sick of being so gay sometimes too..like im the one that needs to grow up, buuuuut im also scared of growing up.

i want to open up, i realy really do, and this time i am trusting that i wont get hurt.