(no subject)
Ignorance truly is bliss. I miss ignorance.
I didn't have a clue why God had me in Seminary when I started. I was just along for the ride, loving the deep conversations with others and the wonder that kept coming as I studied. Then last summer, I started getting a clue. God is being gentle with me though, even though my reactions are anything but.
It started last summer while at a conference (for a class) that I picked only because one of the speakers is one of my favorite teachers of all time. At the end of the conference there was this profound moment when they asked us to stand and extend our open hands. Anything we needed to let go of, release, submit, etc... we were invited to release to God. Now, up until this time, when anyone would ask me what I would do with a Masters of Divinity I would answer; "I don't know yet, but I probably won't be a Pastor/Reverend/Minister or anything." At that moment as I was standing up, I knew I was supposed to let go of the second part of that explanation. I lifted my hands and imagined letting that phrase drop. Enter my first temper-tantrum. After the communion ritual I crawled under my folding seat (a spot ridiculously too small) and I bawled. I spent the following few weeks reasoning to myself that just because I have to stop saying I won't be a Preacher doesn't mean I automatically will be a Preacher. In fact, maybe the only reason I was to let that second part go was because I was trying to control something that I don't have a clue about.... the future! Thats it. Moving on.
The fall semester went by with out a hickup. But first thing this spring, in my reconciliation class, I get waylaid. Its amazing how a gentle whisper can open a ginormous can of worms. I promply implode. The short of it is that for an assignment I was asked to do a prayer meditation with art concerning something in myself that I was not reconciled with. I sat, staring at the drawing of the chair (don't ask) and I knew what I had to write accross the top of it in big bold letters. "Why I can't be a Pastor." I don't know why that came to mind... well, I do, in that I believe God's Spirit works from the inside out sometimes... but seriously! Can we say left feild!!! But the second I wrote it down the reasons came flooding out of me. Some of them legit, some not so much. Some just plain stupid. But sometimes you can't help stupid.
Thus began my very mature reaction to the why of Seminary... I promptly stuck my fingers in my ears and started singing Lah... Lah... Lah... I CAN"T HEAR ANYTHING!!! at the top of my lungs. This has been going on for the last 4 months. Its exhausting. Funny things is the war is with myself, not God. Trueth be told, I would LOVE to be a Preacher! To study and put together a teaching on the amazing, hope filled, wonder inducing, redemption stories in the Bible set my soul on fire. I can't help but tell others about what I learn! Its feels right in my bones. Worse still, I don't' know that I could NOT teach. I find it leaking out of me in the randomest places too. To be able to stand up once a week in front of people and be like; "Dude! Did you know...." or "You won't believe how many layers this story has!" would so totally rock!
Other things have happened too. Personal growth that deals with the ugly and fear in my deepest parts. Things that were all tangled up (and still are, and may always be) with what "I am going to be when I grow up." I know God is calling me into something that is perfect for who I am and who I am becoming. But its another thing to ruthlessly trust and to step into that.
So, I am begining to practice saying out loud that I might become a pastor. Its really hard. Rediculously hard. As in, I insert more mights, maybes and perhaps' then anything else when talking about it. I break out in a sweat from how hard it is not to hedge around it all.
Now, I really can't say that is what I will do.... become a pastor. But I have to admit that it is a huge possibility. A good, and exciting possibility. But then, there is also the possibilty that I end up working at a shoe store (or some other awful place) and never really understand why God sent me to Seminary... which although is far less scary would also be pathetically boring. I don't like boring.
I didn't have a clue why God had me in Seminary when I started. I was just along for the ride, loving the deep conversations with others and the wonder that kept coming as I studied. Then last summer, I started getting a clue. God is being gentle with me though, even though my reactions are anything but.
It started last summer while at a conference (for a class) that I picked only because one of the speakers is one of my favorite teachers of all time. At the end of the conference there was this profound moment when they asked us to stand and extend our open hands. Anything we needed to let go of, release, submit, etc... we were invited to release to God. Now, up until this time, when anyone would ask me what I would do with a Masters of Divinity I would answer; "I don't know yet, but I probably won't be a Pastor/Reverend/Minister or anything." At that moment as I was standing up, I knew I was supposed to let go of the second part of that explanation. I lifted my hands and imagined letting that phrase drop. Enter my first temper-tantrum. After the communion ritual I crawled under my folding seat (a spot ridiculously too small) and I bawled. I spent the following few weeks reasoning to myself that just because I have to stop saying I won't be a Preacher doesn't mean I automatically will be a Preacher. In fact, maybe the only reason I was to let that second part go was because I was trying to control something that I don't have a clue about.... the future! Thats it. Moving on.
The fall semester went by with out a hickup. But first thing this spring, in my reconciliation class, I get waylaid. Its amazing how a gentle whisper can open a ginormous can of worms. I promply implode. The short of it is that for an assignment I was asked to do a prayer meditation with art concerning something in myself that I was not reconciled with. I sat, staring at the drawing of the chair (don't ask) and I knew what I had to write accross the top of it in big bold letters. "Why I can't be a Pastor." I don't know why that came to mind... well, I do, in that I believe God's Spirit works from the inside out sometimes... but seriously! Can we say left feild!!! But the second I wrote it down the reasons came flooding out of me. Some of them legit, some not so much. Some just plain stupid. But sometimes you can't help stupid.
Thus began my very mature reaction to the why of Seminary... I promptly stuck my fingers in my ears and started singing Lah... Lah... Lah... I CAN"T HEAR ANYTHING!!! at the top of my lungs. This has been going on for the last 4 months. Its exhausting. Funny things is the war is with myself, not God. Trueth be told, I would LOVE to be a Preacher! To study and put together a teaching on the amazing, hope filled, wonder inducing, redemption stories in the Bible set my soul on fire. I can't help but tell others about what I learn! Its feels right in my bones. Worse still, I don't' know that I could NOT teach. I find it leaking out of me in the randomest places too. To be able to stand up once a week in front of people and be like; "Dude! Did you know...." or "You won't believe how many layers this story has!" would so totally rock!
Other things have happened too. Personal growth that deals with the ugly and fear in my deepest parts. Things that were all tangled up (and still are, and may always be) with what "I am going to be when I grow up." I know God is calling me into something that is perfect for who I am and who I am becoming. But its another thing to ruthlessly trust and to step into that.
So, I am begining to practice saying out loud that I might become a pastor. Its really hard. Rediculously hard. As in, I insert more mights, maybes and perhaps' then anything else when talking about it. I break out in a sweat from how hard it is not to hedge around it all.
Now, I really can't say that is what I will do.... become a pastor. But I have to admit that it is a huge possibility. A good, and exciting possibility. But then, there is also the possibilty that I end up working at a shoe store (or some other awful place) and never really understand why God sent me to Seminary... which although is far less scary would also be pathetically boring. I don't like boring.