(no subject)
"10.25 AM (classroom)
i am sooo gonna hate coming to school now. oh wait, i already hate coming to school. it's not the teachers' or the environment, or whatever. the students are the reason why i hate coming to school. i wouldn't mind if i had different classmates. i bet i could study even better. i'm currently scared of my n' levels.. but do i do anything about it? no.. instead, i just laze around as if i don't have any major exams coming up. sheesh. what's the point of complaining here when all i write is the same thing. i haven't done any 'hardcore' studying yet. god. i look at my other classmates and i can't help feeling jealous. sometimes, i look back and i regret not doing so many things i should have done when i was at that point of time. my parents are cool, and i respect them. i used to think they did not care, but they actually do. i feel like as if i've taken after my dad. we don't like to express our feelings easily, like as if it's hard for us to express our emotions. why was i born jealous anyway? it can't be helped, can it? does G0D want me to be all alone? i always feel lonely, even when there's a crowd with me. i feel like as if i don't exist and when i try to speak up, no one bothers to listen to me. i have been thinking a lot this few days. maybe i don't really mind if i go back to the philippines to study. at least i can start anew there and leave all the past behind. god, my butt hurts. i wanna go home.."
- adapted from my diary, 060705.
that was written on wednesday. but things have changed, or at least that's what i think. everything's almost back to normal. but i wish it didn't happen at all, i don't know why. don't ask.
everything i wrote that day about me hating my classmates is based on one person. i'm sorry if i have offended anyone of you guys. i don't really mean it. i'm a bit retarded in the mind, if you must know. so yeah..
i cried on thursday when i heard that izwan was planning to quit school. i mean, come on! can you forget your four year friend? and when i asked him what can he work as, he said "can la.. i can find work." god. that hurt the most. he said the reason why he wanted to quit was because he had 'lost interest in school'. H0W CAN Y0U L0SE INTEREST IN SCH00L?! everyone thought i was crazy because i was crying for izwan. he didn't believed that i cried, even when sharon, zul, jamie, ammar or imran told him. why would you cry for someone who you barely even know, even when he's just a classmate? to others, he's just a 'classmate' and nothing else, but to me.. even classmates are important people. they were the ones who have been with me for the past four years and counting. and furthermore, this will be the last year with others, but i hope everyone'll make it. justin's also going to be expelled. good gracious! what's wrong with my class?! soon, everyone's gonna leave.. and i'll be left with no one again.
anyways, let's put that behind and begin today.
i'm still pathetic, as always. the days are passing by so quickly. the rest of the school doensn't notice, but for us secondary fours/fives, it's different. the clock goes tick-tock, tick-tock with each passing day. soon, it's be the major examinations. how i wish i could turn back time and really studied when i was in secondary three. but that's never gonna happen, right? no one turned back time before, anyway.
i'm getting out of point. but whatever.