(no subject)
anxiety. it gets the best of me. like nostalgia, but a little worse. nostalgia, in a sense makes me happy. which is probably a bad thing. holding on to the past is generally unhealthy. i find myself missing things that at the time, i took completely for granted or even DISliked. for example, working at pizza hut. i know its lame, and not a big deal, but sometimes i really miss it. i mean, my friends worked there. and now that i work at vocellis, i wish it was like pizza hut, where everything was all crazy busy all the time, loud, phones ringing, music, drivers in and out everywhere, me and syd making fun of steve, dancing...yeah i hated it at the time but come to think of it it was kind of a little 'family' to me. maybe thats why i worked there for so long. i regret quitting. i think i am going to like my new job, but i dont think it will ever fill that tiny void. anyway, thats just a small example.
back to anxiety though, i seem to be having more of it lately...i think its because i know that ive lost all my confidence. i feel no self worth anymore. its kind of a backwards situation though, because derek treats me like a queen. but i am always comparing myself to other girls, especially ones hes been involved with in the past. i know its dumb, but its an obsession i just cant seem to kick. like cigarettes, though technicallly ive quit when im 'sober.' pardon me for rambling though. i cant seem to stay on topic for more than one second.
i feel like even when i write in here im too scared to be honest, too scared to let everyone (well everyone on livejournal at least) know how i really fuckign feel about myself. not that it even matters to any of you, or whatever, but insecurities are a big thing to admit. so, admit it! no matter what i do, or how many people, or how many times someone tells me im beautiful or whatever (insert complimentary word here) i just wont believe it because i always feel like i have to be perfect. perfect hair, perfect skin, body, clothes, face, nails, everything. i think thats why i put so much effort into my appearance, but it never seems to be enough. changing my hair, clothes and makeup only makes me feel like less of an attractive girl because i have to try so hard. every girl i see, i compare myself to her without even doing it on purpose. and i always, always think they look better than me...even if in my heart i know they are ugly as fuck, i just wont accept it.
i dont know what has happened to me. i used to have a lot of confidence, i used to find myself somewhat physically attractive. but lately, ..well the past couple months, im always feeling like oh, i have to change this, i have to lose this or gain this. and i dont know why it is. its very frustrating, and draining. i get easily intimidated by people now because i dont feel like i have anything to offer anyone, even in conversation...like they will just shut me down because they think i am ugly or something. so when the fuck did appearance become so fucking important? i thought you were supposed to grow out of that in high school...am i just shallow? or am i really that unattractive? im hoping its the former, but sometimes the latter gets the best of me.
back to anxiety though, i seem to be having more of it lately...i think its because i know that ive lost all my confidence. i feel no self worth anymore. its kind of a backwards situation though, because derek treats me like a queen. but i am always comparing myself to other girls, especially ones hes been involved with in the past. i know its dumb, but its an obsession i just cant seem to kick. like cigarettes, though technicallly ive quit when im 'sober.' pardon me for rambling though. i cant seem to stay on topic for more than one second.
i feel like even when i write in here im too scared to be honest, too scared to let everyone (well everyone on livejournal at least) know how i really fuckign feel about myself. not that it even matters to any of you, or whatever, but insecurities are a big thing to admit. so, admit it! no matter what i do, or how many people, or how many times someone tells me im beautiful or whatever (insert complimentary word here) i just wont believe it because i always feel like i have to be perfect. perfect hair, perfect skin, body, clothes, face, nails, everything. i think thats why i put so much effort into my appearance, but it never seems to be enough. changing my hair, clothes and makeup only makes me feel like less of an attractive girl because i have to try so hard. every girl i see, i compare myself to her without even doing it on purpose. and i always, always think they look better than me...even if in my heart i know they are ugly as fuck, i just wont accept it.
i dont know what has happened to me. i used to have a lot of confidence, i used to find myself somewhat physically attractive. but lately, ..well the past couple months, im always feeling like oh, i have to change this, i have to lose this or gain this. and i dont know why it is. its very frustrating, and draining. i get easily intimidated by people now because i dont feel like i have anything to offer anyone, even in conversation...like they will just shut me down because they think i am ugly or something. so when the fuck did appearance become so fucking important? i thought you were supposed to grow out of that in high school...am i just shallow? or am i really that unattractive? im hoping its the former, but sometimes the latter gets the best of me.