instead of studying...

[xbeautyxfadesx]

sometimes i wonder if i am ment to be a loner if a i push people/support away. for instance, this evening a friend was sharing about some personal occurances regarding ministry and spirituality. she mentioned a person who really speaks into her life. and well, i dont have a mentor and never have had one. in fact, it seems as though whenever i seek one things dont work out and i inevitably become hurt by the church. so i got to thinking about the past year and how i felt and was completly alone in my position. though there were "elders" established to help, they never really did their jobs. and while i had plenty of girls ready and willing to help, what i really needed was a mentor...a spiritual elder. so my question is; was i ment to live like this...is this how God made me...to constantly tough things out, bite the bullet and continue to serve the Lord without human guidance. or am i stubborn, controlling, and push help away from my situation.

well, i am sick of being tough. of always picking myself up and continuing the race...of ignoring the constant back pains for over 5 years and to ingnore the possibility that i may not be able to have kids one day and may end up with ovarian cancer. im so tired of being the strong, stable one and i so deperatly want to be vulenrable with God and with people.

Jesus help me.

this was a rant....i apologize.