Been a LONG TIME
Just read an entry from when I first meet HIM. It was weird because i sensed the awkwardness in that entry. The insecurity. The unknowing. And yet two years and four months later i write back on it feeling the same way. The whole two years were unknowing, unlisted, unfelt-yet remembered. There are some things you can never forget-some people that have changed your life. Thats what this was. And even though it sucks, there are some times in this crazy world where you can only take so much unknown. There is nothing about the past that I would change but then again there are many things about the future i will. I know that there are things in this world that hurt, things in the world that disappoint; but i never imagined that they could be controlled by a single person. I feel like i've felt the devastation of hurricane Katrina yet experienced the joys of the seven wonders-all in one year. The ambiguity of feeling senseless...the middle being where feelings are not sad nor happy, angry nor pleased, crying nor smiling-its the middle-thats where I am now. How can people let it go on and on? How does love drive people together. Quoting an entry from 8 years ago...LOVE-its only four words...why does it control us? What does it do to us? I did not understand it then and I do not understand it now. Perhaps before it was that senseless love, the kind you feel when homecoming is what you lived for and the girl who texted your boyfriend was the whoror of life. But then you grow up and you fall into REAL LOVE. The kind where your greatest joy is living with them and in their arms-eating china specials & waking up at 12 pm to watch the football game, going home to their house and feeling like you really want to be there no matter how neurotic their mother is, feeling like that is not only something you share-but a part of you that can never be replaced. You're greatest fears turn into anxieties about which side of the bed you really should sleep on and how hard you should push them to accomplish their goals. Is telling them they CANT do it too far? Or is that a good way to make sure they will. Because you know them...and you know they take CANT as I MUST NOW TO PROVE THEM WRONG. As bad as it hurts to tell someone they cant, for certain people it may be the best move you can make for someone you love. Sometimes people deserve to love what they do...sometimes they deserve the chance to be someone you know they can be-even if others dont believe.