(no subject)
So my vacation is over.
It really wasn't great. I pretty much just sat around. I was bored. I don't care.
I need friends - friends of my own. More people to care about that would actually care back if I needed them to. But everyone sucks. I can't remember the last time someone liked me solely because I was myself - besides the obvious. I refuse to give a shit about people anymore. I get too involved and too emotional about people who wouldn't give my existence a second thought if it weren't for a conditional circumstance. It's not that I dislike people, it's that I think I'm too good of a person to go to waste. I certainly don't mean that in a snooty sort of way - I'm just sick of helping and caring and in the back of my mind knowing it goes to waste - that it wouldn't be returned if anything ever changed. It may sound a little too serious but it hurts.
So do I go out and try to "make" friends. No. Not how it works. I'll see if it ever does happen but I guess I'll just devote more time to my mom, my sister, my brother, Jason & Jenna - the only people I can truly count on & that really isn't that bad. I'll concentrate my energy into them - not letting it get mixed up with other people.
I don't know what to do about living. Should I live with my mom in September - I don't want to. I don't want to work at the bank though. I don't know what to do. I hate money. I am Pam Beesley. Oh - except I don't have talent or a dream. I have a Jim, however & that's nice. But it isn't all I am, I think that's my issue.
My little brother and sister's Nana died day before yesterday. I'm scared for my sister because she tends to hold things in. I think she's more upset then she lets on. She won't go to the funeral either. Ugh. She really is an awesome kid. I'm glad I have her - she makes me laugh and forget everything else. Like I'm 14 too.
I always think of little things that could change that would make my entire life sooooo much better. Having my house back is a big one. I could still be living there - working part-time and going to school for something I really like. That's not the way it is though. I guess I should try thinking of ways to make what I have right now better - but I keep drifting into dreaming about the way it could be. I can't be like Jason and be all on a whim. It's just not who I am as much as I would like it to be.
This is too long - I think entries might as well be private after this one. I could make this one private too, eh.