I am a loser
I'm tired of making up excuses when people ask what's wrong. When people ask me if I'm feeling alright and I look them right in the face and lie to them saying "Oh, I'm just tired" or "I'm a little sick" or "I'm really high"
That's not the problem. The problem is that I have no purpose in life. No motivation. I wake up every day with nothing to look forward to. I have no friends, I have no money, I have no job. No one needs me. I hate the person I am. I always tell myself I've changed, but I never change. I'm still the same scum I was when I was born, and that's what I'll always be. I can't maintain relationships of any kind. It makes me so sick when people say "I don't have any friends" or "No one likes me" when they have friends and people who like them. I have no one. And you know what? It's my fault. I don't care what others tell me to make me feel better. It's MY fault. My very aura draws people away. And I can't blame them. For who can love a man who lies to himself and everyone around him every day? Who can love a man who is living a lie?
I want to feel important, but I don't. Because I'm not. If I died, my mom, sister, and step dad would show up to my funeral. The rest of my family wouldn't take a plane trip to go. They'd send they're love to my greiving parents and sister, but they would really be thinking "It was gonna happen sooner or later. He lived a crazy life. Poor kid." Sure, they'd be sad. Because I'm pathetic. I have existed almost 19 years and have NOTHING to show for it other than a GED diploma and a few stand up gigs.
I am a loser.