(no subject)
whats wrong with me?
i mean seriously...
i coulda sworn i had grown out of this whiney bitch kid who cant stand up for himself when it needs to be.
when did i become such a pussy?
srsly
i'm so sick of being all "poor me, poor me. its not my fault its ___, i'm not in control of certain things in my life, so there isnt anything i can do about it. blah blah whine whine bitch bitch"
im sick of sheding tears because i dont know what else to do...
i dont feel like a man...
i dont feel masculine...
im sick of feeling fear.
i mean what kind of coward am i? i cant even speak im so afraid.
its breaking me up inside, im trying so hard to just roll with every punch that comes my way but i keep getting hit over and over and over.
i'd love to shove the blame off onto something, someone, anything...
but inside i still feel its all just me.
my inability to stand up for myself.
my lack of courage to defend myself and those i love
my lack of wit and intellegance to supply all the answers and arguments i need.
so i spiral down, slowly losing all the masculinity i tried so hard to gain.
i feel like the only difference i have now in comparison to all those old posts of mine where i was em0 and a whiney bitch, is that now i have a girlfriend who loves me, a different set of problems to deal with, and that same girlfriend who will help me the best she can.
and she does so much
when she knows she dosnt have to
she's always there to comfort me, to make me feel better...
my sister once told her "you'll probably never see him cry"
but i've had at least once a week where i shed some sort of tears into my girlfriend's shoulder.
i love her so much
i cant wait to spend eternity with her.
just one more year...
just one more...
just one...
just...
time...
then i can run away from problems i never solved, forever knowing that i ran like a coward, and didnt stand up straight like a man.
forever knowing that they will someday return to haunt me...
i wonder what i'll be able to look back on, and be proud of...
i wonder if when i look back, i'll end up spitting on my past self for being a coward...
i wonder if i'll only get worse...
at least i have Liz
i dont know what i'd do without her
she makes me so happy
i love her so much.
i mean seriously...
i coulda sworn i had grown out of this whiney bitch kid who cant stand up for himself when it needs to be.
when did i become such a pussy?
srsly
i'm so sick of being all "poor me, poor me. its not my fault its ___, i'm not in control of certain things in my life, so there isnt anything i can do about it. blah blah whine whine bitch bitch"
im sick of sheding tears because i dont know what else to do...
i dont feel like a man...
i dont feel masculine...
im sick of feeling fear.
i mean what kind of coward am i? i cant even speak im so afraid.
its breaking me up inside, im trying so hard to just roll with every punch that comes my way but i keep getting hit over and over and over.
i'd love to shove the blame off onto something, someone, anything...
but inside i still feel its all just me.
my inability to stand up for myself.
my lack of courage to defend myself and those i love
my lack of wit and intellegance to supply all the answers and arguments i need.
so i spiral down, slowly losing all the masculinity i tried so hard to gain.
i feel like the only difference i have now in comparison to all those old posts of mine where i was em0 and a whiney bitch, is that now i have a girlfriend who loves me, a different set of problems to deal with, and that same girlfriend who will help me the best she can.
and she does so much
when she knows she dosnt have to
she's always there to comfort me, to make me feel better...
my sister once told her "you'll probably never see him cry"
but i've had at least once a week where i shed some sort of tears into my girlfriend's shoulder.
i love her so much
i cant wait to spend eternity with her.
just one more year...
just one more...
just one...
just...
time...
then i can run away from problems i never solved, forever knowing that i ran like a coward, and didnt stand up straight like a man.
forever knowing that they will someday return to haunt me...
i wonder what i'll be able to look back on, and be proud of...
i wonder if when i look back, i'll end up spitting on my past self for being a coward...
i wonder if i'll only get worse...
at least i have Liz
i dont know what i'd do without her
she makes me so happy
i love her so much.