Being a fan can be hard, だけれども happy
This will be a long post. Probably won't be ready in one sitting.
I always wanted to write about my experiences considering k-pop and j-pop (which practically means BTS and Arashi). I am probably not the only one with this road, but maybe it will be an interesting read to some people. I feel that I really need to write these out of my system, so please bear with me, even if it seems that I begun my story from way too far.
At the end of high school, just before university, I became a proper anime fan. I watched some before, but because of high school I always thought that time is too short for things like anime. But after graduating high school, I needed a way to let myself loose, to destress. This was the time when anime came to me as something heavenly: big variation in stories, even absurd ones, way of storytelling I haven't seen before. And I really liked the custom of opening-ending songs. There were songs I simply loved. I still have a playlist with more than 100 songs. However, I never really took the next step. Once or twice I tried to get familiar with the japanese musicians who made my favourite anime songs, but the searching was way too difficult for my likings, and I gave up easily. I even downloaded several Arashi cd-s sometimes in 2016-7, as the artist who's name was often mentioned under jpop compilation videos, but never listened to them (biggest mistake of my life, probably).
This was the setting for my destined meeting with k-pop in 2017 December. By chance, I found out that it is super popular in America, and got curious: why is it so popular? I decided to give it a try. The first three days my head wanted to kill me: I never really liked songs with heavy and prominent basses and with mainly electronic orchestration. But I needed to admit, the songs were catchy, the dances powerful, and the visuals of the videos stunning. So I continued to listen to them, and with time I didn't had the worst migrane of my life every night I decided to go to bed. First my favourite was Big Bang. Then I got fascinated by BTS. My attraction was mainly because of the storytelling of their videos: I loved the idea of a long running story in the mvs, a detailed and layered world, loved the theories, the characters in characters mentality. I still think that idea was genious, that will never change. I became really obsessed with them, and decided to pull my sister into it too. It was an easy guess, that she will like them, and she is still as obsessed and happy with the group as I was at the beginning.
But my happiness was short. It became obvious quickly that the fandom is fragmented. Fans hurt each other, even the fans of the same group, just with different bias. Probably I looked for the fights at the beginning, probably I wanted to hurt myself, I don't know. When I decided to join Twitter for the BBMA's voting in the first half of 2018, there were days the first week when I cried myself to sleep. Because the member of BTS I looked up to and found absolutely charming, Jin, was looked down by so many ARMYs. Because, they said, he cannot sing. He cannot dance. He is just in the way. I could not believe these. It was hurting me, how much it must have hurt him, I thought every day. I didn't have the courage (still don't) to write to these people, but I followed these debates closely, silently cheering for the Jin stans to help the situation. But it killed me every day. In retrospect, I must realize, I wasn't really happy when I was a serious fan of BTS. The fans killed the joy BTS could give me. And that was only the inner conflicts. Sometimes I think that k-pop fans are thriving on conflict; they can jump at each other for the smallest things. It was trully a hard time.
Of course, it would be unfair to leave out the other circumstances: it was my last year of medical school, with exams that asked for knowledge from six years of study. I am the anxious type: I can get ve stressed over anything and everything. But it really didn't help the situation.
With time, I began to feel that I have betrayed my previous obsession, Japan. Thus I decided to try to look the japanese side of the idol culture, and luckily I had Japonism and Untitled albums from Arashi previously downloaded to help me in my adventure. I usually listened to them between various kpop songs and artists, and I became to like the melodies, that were nice and soothing especially compared to the (for me at least) heavier and more aggrissive style of the kpop songs. I began to listen to these two album more than the BTS albums. When I got my degree, I was already resolved to get deeper into Arashi. I am especially thankful for Sho's solo "Rolling days", because that song made me certain in this decision.
As I was looking, I got more and more into Arashi, and drifted farther away from BTS. Their latest comeback was when I realized that I lost most of my interest in them, and that possibly what I really like was their story, not themselves. At that comeback I felt disappointed, maybe a bit cheated, because they didn't progress the story, and I hoped that the melody of the title track would be completely different. It was too boisterous, too noisy to me. And to be honest, while I liked their music, it wasn't fully to my taste. So with the fandom troubles adding to it, I decided to stand back and stay a casual listener of theirs. In the end, it was practically just by chance that I didn't find groups like VIXX, B1A4 and Dreamcatcher before BTS, whose music I like for itself; in that situation, where the fandoms are smaller and quieter, there is a chance I would be still and avid kpop fan.
I still consider my time in the kpop fandom an important part of my life, and to be honest, I sometimes miss BTS and the others. But I became so scared of the fandom, that there are times when those feelings get back just from the music, which is very regrettable. I sometimes hope it could have been avoided, but it was spoiled for me, and I cannot change it back anymore.
The same time when I left the kpop fandom, I realized that I fell in love with Arashi more than anything before. It was unprecedented that I would like every member of a group almost equally, but it happened with Arashi. When I decided to go into the fandom, I was a bit anxious. I feared that the same will happen than with the ARMYs. But I had nothing to fear. I don't know about the Japanese fandom, but according to my expriences the international one is a warm and welcoming place. It is considerably smaller than the ARMY community, but because of that it's not that overwhelming, and way more united. People have ichibans, yes, but they are not putting the others down for the sake of their favourites. The voting and streaming crazes are absent, and the bragging between fans of groups are quite rare. I feel I am able to relax here. Of course, there is a chance that this is just an illusion; that I was able to avoid those people who are seeking conflict; but I want to believe that the Arashi fans are genuinely this balanced and calm.
The time when I felt I became fully devoted fan of Arashi was 2018, August.
I wrote the first half of this post before the hiatus announcement. The point of this post was for me to think about the past, my way until now, so I decided to keep it the way it is. I don't want to really dwell on this topic, I think I will write a different post about it. But I was really shaken: I thought I found something that is stable, that will last forever, something that I can center my life around.
Hovewer, the only thing I regret concerning them is that I haven't found them earlier. Even if my time with them will be very short, I am happy for everything I got. They were able to lift my spirit during the biggest changes of my life, and I will be always grateful for that.
I think this is a good point to stop. This post is practically rambling anyway; I wrote what came to my mind. But I wanted to share these feelings, even if the possibility that no one will ever read this is quite big.
I would like to apologize for the long post, and thank everyone who get through this.
さようなら！
Avetta