back to my journal pain
I have to write here because there is no blog on facebook and no one reposts ya if you are depressing. Lil mike, charlies dad came to town for a weekend 12-13 aug 2012 and it was such a good visit. his mother brought him. cy was out of town, charlie got to go fishing, we watched a cool movie, limitless. it was so nice to be hugged again to feel the joy of someone at least saying they love you like they mean it. watched the meteor showers. then he goes home. cy comes back. no money no job. and then mike doesn't ever call. and all these years i have been dosing up on multiple meds for depression and telling myself it doesn't matter. all those years of trying so hard to feel nothing, so that i won't feel pain. and some little seed had started to uncurl in me reaching for the light. but it has to die. dreams don't get the kids school clothes and loving someone, doesn't mean they love you back. an i could work really hard and lose weight to look good. but i'd still be poor trapped in the ass end of no where. which from what i hear about drugs and gangs in Norfolk/va beach, is waaay better than being in the asshole of somewhere. and the schools are better here. and i think about writing again, and everything i ever wrote that was any good came from the hell of a broken heart, and i can't let myself feel that way. people depend on me. charlie, and maybe zoe though she won't admit it. she had to go to court to get her proviso lic and was in a bad mood over her school sched and she hurt my feelings, the whole court thing with it repressiveness, and the video they showed of a simple plan's untitled song pissed her off. and then me and cy clucking over her driving like mother hens juat drove here around the bend.
cy still has no job. our bills are coming due and i worry. i know i shouldn't worry i should count on God. if i am counting on cy i an scared to death. the pain of my heart reawakening, listening to music again and really hearing it, talking to ppl who've known me a long time. all those things hurt as much as they make me happy because they are so fleeting. i need to get my good mood back and apologise to cy for yelling at him. if he will accept it.
i have missed church for two weeks too. not good. and i am drinking not good, not too awful either because it makes the pain bearable. i'm low on meds and have to cancel appts cuz cy can't pay bills. but really i am no worse off than a month or 2 ago. i have been remembering the agony of the the deaths of those i loved and the pain of those i had to leave behind. and i found out donna and rachel are dead, and gary. oh why. got invited to nc but couldn't go alot of stuff there. but nuthing as abad as when zack got paralysed or i was on chemo or homeless. i know ppl mock you for having a pity party but all these things are real and won't ever go away. i have to deal with them sometime. mike even talked about moving here when he was in jail, but now nothiung. why do i allow myself these tiny hopes, sunflares of a burning heart.
cy still has no job. our bills are coming due and i worry. i know i shouldn't worry i should count on God. if i am counting on cy i an scared to death. the pain of my heart reawakening, listening to music again and really hearing it, talking to ppl who've known me a long time. all those things hurt as much as they make me happy because they are so fleeting. i need to get my good mood back and apologise to cy for yelling at him. if he will accept it.
i have missed church for two weeks too. not good. and i am drinking not good, not too awful either because it makes the pain bearable. i'm low on meds and have to cancel appts cuz cy can't pay bills. but really i am no worse off than a month or 2 ago. i have been remembering the agony of the the deaths of those i loved and the pain of those i had to leave behind. and i found out donna and rachel are dead, and gary. oh why. got invited to nc but couldn't go alot of stuff there. but nuthing as abad as when zack got paralysed or i was on chemo or homeless. i know ppl mock you for having a pity party but all these things are real and won't ever go away. i have to deal with them sometime. mike even talked about moving here when he was in jail, but now nothiung. why do i allow myself these tiny hopes, sunflares of a burning heart.