(no subject)
so coming home wasnt as fun as it should have been. im kinda starting to regret going to these dances. they sound like fun then i get there and wish i was somewhere else with someone i actually wanted to be with.
sunday was ok though. i really wanted to go shopping but i had to go to my aunts. i just slept and ate dinner then came home. i kinda feel bad but oh well she will get over it. then i went bowling. Nathan(cute boy from bowling) is adorable. ive talked to him a little bit but not much. really cute, seems really sweet, doesnt seem like my type.
monday was good then it turned bad then kinda good again then bad. didnt get up until 12 just because. talked to Sean just about all day. i miss the long talks with him. then we went shopping. but my car died on they way there. no fun at all. but it was still driveable. just went shopping. there was a crazy guy at petsmart. he thought we were married. i kinda laughed at that. then we got ice cream and hung out here for a few. not what i expected but it was nice being with him.
tuesday was back to school. no fun at all. had ATS and it really sucked. other that than i was kinda out of it. not even realizing the world existed outside my own little bubble. came home and got all the stuff to do my taxes and found out i have to pay money. i was really upset becuase i was thinking thats how i was going to fix my car. but i guess my daddy is going to fix it. i feel abd that hes paying for it but he offered. and when i said no i will pay on my own he said he was getting it fixed. nice of him i suppose.
today i feel like crap. ive been just zoning out all day and not realizing what im doing. i think theres something wrong with me but i dont know. my mom is supposed to be making me a doctors appointment. hopefully not. i hate the doctors.
ive come to realize that there is one person i am comfortable being myself around. and i dont know why its him. its like when im with him i just block the world out. i dont think about all the problems. just being there in his arms feels right. i know it shouldnt but it does. its like i can let myslef go and be who i really am. i stop lying to myself and i become the real me. the one that nobody understands right now. everyone thinks they know me. they know the boy crazy, shopaholic, love to have fun girl i used to be. before i was emotionally fucked over. but i think he knows that side of me. he knows how i am. everything thats happened. hes been my should to cry on and hes always been there for me. theres the times i can tell he doesnt want to be but he does it anyways. when almost everyone else has a lame excuse hes still there. and i dont care what anyone says hes basically what i need right now.
i think hes starting to see what he did to me. he told me i was crazy the other day and i hope he knows why. my head has been spinning for the last 5 months all becuase of him. the way things change from day to day. the fights and the making up. the girls that came and went. within a 2 month span i experienced every emotion possible with him. it went from like to lust to love. and sometimes it went from like to dislike to hate. but i know it was right. i know my i love yous werent fake because that is one thing i cant fake. ive only said it to 2 people and ive meant it each time. and i will always love them. they will always be a part of me. but this one is one i dont even know if i want to be a part of me. hes lied, cheated, and stole my despite all of it. there were the early morning phone calls, the nights we stayed up and talked all night, the days he stayed with me when i was sick, and the fun times we always shared. weve both admitted we want them back. but i dont know if i can handle going through it again. there were too many tears before and i dont think i could give him my heart again. i love you.
and im sorry if it seems like im trying to shut my close friends out right now. im not. this just isnt the sitaution for you right now.
sunday was ok though. i really wanted to go shopping but i had to go to my aunts. i just slept and ate dinner then came home. i kinda feel bad but oh well she will get over it. then i went bowling. Nathan(cute boy from bowling) is adorable. ive talked to him a little bit but not much. really cute, seems really sweet, doesnt seem like my type.
monday was good then it turned bad then kinda good again then bad. didnt get up until 12 just because. talked to Sean just about all day. i miss the long talks with him. then we went shopping. but my car died on they way there. no fun at all. but it was still driveable. just went shopping. there was a crazy guy at petsmart. he thought we were married. i kinda laughed at that. then we got ice cream and hung out here for a few. not what i expected but it was nice being with him.
tuesday was back to school. no fun at all. had ATS and it really sucked. other that than i was kinda out of it. not even realizing the world existed outside my own little bubble. came home and got all the stuff to do my taxes and found out i have to pay money. i was really upset becuase i was thinking thats how i was going to fix my car. but i guess my daddy is going to fix it. i feel abd that hes paying for it but he offered. and when i said no i will pay on my own he said he was getting it fixed. nice of him i suppose.
today i feel like crap. ive been just zoning out all day and not realizing what im doing. i think theres something wrong with me but i dont know. my mom is supposed to be making me a doctors appointment. hopefully not. i hate the doctors.
ive come to realize that there is one person i am comfortable being myself around. and i dont know why its him. its like when im with him i just block the world out. i dont think about all the problems. just being there in his arms feels right. i know it shouldnt but it does. its like i can let myslef go and be who i really am. i stop lying to myself and i become the real me. the one that nobody understands right now. everyone thinks they know me. they know the boy crazy, shopaholic, love to have fun girl i used to be. before i was emotionally fucked over. but i think he knows that side of me. he knows how i am. everything thats happened. hes been my should to cry on and hes always been there for me. theres the times i can tell he doesnt want to be but he does it anyways. when almost everyone else has a lame excuse hes still there. and i dont care what anyone says hes basically what i need right now.
i think hes starting to see what he did to me. he told me i was crazy the other day and i hope he knows why. my head has been spinning for the last 5 months all becuase of him. the way things change from day to day. the fights and the making up. the girls that came and went. within a 2 month span i experienced every emotion possible with him. it went from like to lust to love. and sometimes it went from like to dislike to hate. but i know it was right. i know my i love yous werent fake because that is one thing i cant fake. ive only said it to 2 people and ive meant it each time. and i will always love them. they will always be a part of me. but this one is one i dont even know if i want to be a part of me. hes lied, cheated, and stole my despite all of it. there were the early morning phone calls, the nights we stayed up and talked all night, the days he stayed with me when i was sick, and the fun times we always shared. weve both admitted we want them back. but i dont know if i can handle going through it again. there were too many tears before and i dont think i could give him my heart again. i love you.
and im sorry if it seems like im trying to shut my close friends out right now. im not. this just isnt the sitaution for you right now.