liberation
After about 2 months of therapy I have learned so much. Just talking to someone who doesn't know me and is kind of detached from the situation is so good and so helpful. She's so intuitive, everything she said was so completely right and she doesn't even know everything that's going on.
After completely destroying pretty much everything that could be destroyed in my life, I thought I was a complete fuck up. I didn't think things could get worse, and yet at different times throughout the year they did somewhat. I severed my friendship with Jess by distancing myself from her, my parents got divorced, I almost didn't graduate because of my D in gov that I couldn't seem to bring up, I was stressed from working and soccer, suddenly money became an issue. If I didn't pay for my own shit, my parents could no longer pay for it, boyfriend issues, I outed Justin to his mom which in turn severed many other bonds, and ended the year with several close friends. Then during the summer I thought I was going to start all over again and become a new person, but that didn't work out as expected. I thought it was as easy as apologizing for the wrongs I did and moving on. I apologized to Jess. I apologized to Justin. But. even though that was a good step, everything didn't magically go back to the way it was. I didn't expect it to, but I expected something else. Something more fulfilling. I got that now. I found the missing piece. I hadn't completely learned my lesson and I wasn't ready to change. I obviously acknowledged my wrong, but I wasn't completely ready to move on and I still resented a lot of people and situations.
Over summer I fucked up again and messed up a perfectly good relationship where I was so loved. I took that and I ruined it because of my own selfishness. Then that relationship, that I had kept secret from my two best friends was made known to them and suddenly, those two friendships were shaken.
I blamed it on my selfishness. I don't learn. I repeat the same mistakes. I'm stupid and reckless and restless. And I went on and on berating myself and letting myself be berated by him and other people. Now I see things differently. I pinpointed why I did it. I wasn't ready for a relationship. I went into that relationship unprepared for that kind of commitment but I went with it because I love being in love. I love being cared about so much by one person. But when it came closer to leaving to college, I guess I got scared. I didn't want to be visited every single week at my dorm. I didn't want to think about never being with anyone else ever again. I didn't want to talk about graduating college and getting married. I was just ready to be free. To start college fresh with no boyfriend for a while. To start everything over. That was holding me back. So I went and did what I did and it was completely the wrong way to go about it, but obviously it did its job. It broke the relationship. It did hurt me but I have to honestly say that looking back I feel some relief. I feel free now. I hate that I hurt him. I hate hurting anyone and I don't hurt the people I love intentionally, but now the damage is done. If I could have done things differently, I would have. I wouldn't have done what I did. I would have manned up and talked things out. It would have hurt almost as much, but it would have been the right thing to do. What ifs don't matter at this point though. To you, I'm sorry. I know you don't think so but maybe one day in the far far future, we can be friends. If not, I understand.
I feel I have done everything I can do with the people in my life. I have severed many bonds that have been partly my fault. I have tried to fix them all because I believe every broken thing can be restored. Maybe not to its full original condition. But enough that it is workable and good again. Because relationships take the effort of two people the other person may not have always been as willing to fix things as I have and at that point, their pride or hurt or resentment and anger will hurt only them because I have forgiven and I have recognized my error and tried to fix my end of it. I feel bad for the harm I've done but I feel worse that the other people don't care enough to fix it. I guess that shouldn't matter. But I care a lot about people. About them as a whole and about their opinions.
I feel so free now. All of this self discovery is amazing. It hurt for a long time but now I can just see everything so clearly. I see all the things that are wrong with me and I'm ok with that. I can work on fixing them.
I am worthy of self respect no matter what anyone thinks. Anyone who cannot accept my flaws as well as my strengths isn't a real friend and that way, by being myself and reaching out in friendship I can trust the results to God
After completely destroying pretty much everything that could be destroyed in my life, I thought I was a complete fuck up. I didn't think things could get worse, and yet at different times throughout the year they did somewhat. I severed my friendship with Jess by distancing myself from her, my parents got divorced, I almost didn't graduate because of my D in gov that I couldn't seem to bring up, I was stressed from working and soccer, suddenly money became an issue. If I didn't pay for my own shit, my parents could no longer pay for it, boyfriend issues, I outed Justin to his mom which in turn severed many other bonds, and ended the year with several close friends. Then during the summer I thought I was going to start all over again and become a new person, but that didn't work out as expected. I thought it was as easy as apologizing for the wrongs I did and moving on. I apologized to Jess. I apologized to Justin. But. even though that was a good step, everything didn't magically go back to the way it was. I didn't expect it to, but I expected something else. Something more fulfilling. I got that now. I found the missing piece. I hadn't completely learned my lesson and I wasn't ready to change. I obviously acknowledged my wrong, but I wasn't completely ready to move on and I still resented a lot of people and situations.
Over summer I fucked up again and messed up a perfectly good relationship where I was so loved. I took that and I ruined it because of my own selfishness. Then that relationship, that I had kept secret from my two best friends was made known to them and suddenly, those two friendships were shaken.
I blamed it on my selfishness. I don't learn. I repeat the same mistakes. I'm stupid and reckless and restless. And I went on and on berating myself and letting myself be berated by him and other people. Now I see things differently. I pinpointed why I did it. I wasn't ready for a relationship. I went into that relationship unprepared for that kind of commitment but I went with it because I love being in love. I love being cared about so much by one person. But when it came closer to leaving to college, I guess I got scared. I didn't want to be visited every single week at my dorm. I didn't want to think about never being with anyone else ever again. I didn't want to talk about graduating college and getting married. I was just ready to be free. To start college fresh with no boyfriend for a while. To start everything over. That was holding me back. So I went and did what I did and it was completely the wrong way to go about it, but obviously it did its job. It broke the relationship. It did hurt me but I have to honestly say that looking back I feel some relief. I feel free now. I hate that I hurt him. I hate hurting anyone and I don't hurt the people I love intentionally, but now the damage is done. If I could have done things differently, I would have. I wouldn't have done what I did. I would have manned up and talked things out. It would have hurt almost as much, but it would have been the right thing to do. What ifs don't matter at this point though. To you, I'm sorry. I know you don't think so but maybe one day in the far far future, we can be friends. If not, I understand.
I feel I have done everything I can do with the people in my life. I have severed many bonds that have been partly my fault. I have tried to fix them all because I believe every broken thing can be restored. Maybe not to its full original condition. But enough that it is workable and good again. Because relationships take the effort of two people the other person may not have always been as willing to fix things as I have and at that point, their pride or hurt or resentment and anger will hurt only them because I have forgiven and I have recognized my error and tried to fix my end of it. I feel bad for the harm I've done but I feel worse that the other people don't care enough to fix it. I guess that shouldn't matter. But I care a lot about people. About them as a whole and about their opinions.
I feel so free now. All of this self discovery is amazing. It hurt for a long time but now I can just see everything so clearly. I see all the things that are wrong with me and I'm ok with that. I can work on fixing them.
I am worthy of self respect no matter what anyone thinks. Anyone who cannot accept my flaws as well as my strengths isn't a real friend and that way, by being myself and reaching out in friendship I can trust the results to God