(no subject)
So yesterday i had what would be considered a fight on a public forum. With someone that I know personally, and a few other people i know jumped in too. Anyhow, it was a really dumb fight, which started over nothing personal, and then became personal? I don't know, it felt personal. Anyhow, later on after it had calmed down a bit, someone else jumps in and says "it's only the internet". what does that even mean? how is it only the internet when the person you're arguing with is someone you would call a friend? Why do people think it's okay to speak to their friends in an offensive way, just because they're online?
So I wondered and wondered about this, and this is what I've worked out.
1. I'm old fashioned and stodgey when it comes to the way people communicate and how friends treat each other. But am I? Really? Am I backwards in following the whole "do unto others" thing? I despise religion and the way it perverts peoples minds, however when it comes to morals, i guess there are a few that i wholeheartedly agree with. I guess I can be a nasty bitch too, but I try not to make it personal. Maybe it always is anyway.
2. They're not my friends. Sure we've had drinks, shared food, laughed and hung out together, but none of this comes into play when we talk online. Therefore, not my friends. It's like we HAVE to be 2 different people. The people we are in person, and the people we are in a virtual community. I find it impossible to divide myself into these 2 things. I am who I am.
So now I don't know how to react to these people. Do I let it go and get on with being what i thought was friends? Were they always just "fake" friends? Do I even really care about them? I'm not sure. I don't really tell them about my life, so maybe they aren't my friends. I only have 1 person I tell all about my life, and that's Brett. He's the only one that gets to see everything, and that i don't have a guard up for.
I guess there are levels when it comes to that. I have other close friends, but I still wouldn't tell them everything. Is it bad that i reserve everything just for 1 person? Is this even normal?
Anyhow, the fight started about ordering A LA Carte or Banquet for this dinner club thing we do. Now i'm considering not even going. I only ever went because Brett does and enjoys it, and also to see these people that i considered friends. Now i'm not so sure i want to sit around and eat with a bunch of people who don't seem to give a hoot about me either way. I don't really want to stay home while Brett goes out for dinner without me either though. I like going out for dinner, I guess I just don't really want to go out for dinner with these people anymore. To top it off I feel confused about whether or not I'm right to feel a tiny bit let down because Brett said i was getting worked up for nothing.
I also sent the person in question a private message, apologising that things got out of hand. They haven't replied to me or anything, so I assume that means " go fuck yourself". I wish I hadn't apologised now, and i don't really know why I did, considering I wasn't the one name calling, or making a personal attack.
Anyway, I feel very wary of other people now. I don't particularly feel like I can trust anyone. Which is sad, because my whole life I have always jumped feet first into friendships and never been suspicious of other people, and wondered if they really want to be my friend or not. Over the last few years I have begun to doubt friendships though, but have still taken chances and trusted people. Now I don't feel like I can even do that. It makes me afraid that i wont ever really make any new friends again, because i'll always distance myself from them, which sucks a big one. :(
So I wondered and wondered about this, and this is what I've worked out.
1. I'm old fashioned and stodgey when it comes to the way people communicate and how friends treat each other. But am I? Really? Am I backwards in following the whole "do unto others" thing? I despise religion and the way it perverts peoples minds, however when it comes to morals, i guess there are a few that i wholeheartedly agree with. I guess I can be a nasty bitch too, but I try not to make it personal. Maybe it always is anyway.
2. They're not my friends. Sure we've had drinks, shared food, laughed and hung out together, but none of this comes into play when we talk online. Therefore, not my friends. It's like we HAVE to be 2 different people. The people we are in person, and the people we are in a virtual community. I find it impossible to divide myself into these 2 things. I am who I am.
So now I don't know how to react to these people. Do I let it go and get on with being what i thought was friends? Were they always just "fake" friends? Do I even really care about them? I'm not sure. I don't really tell them about my life, so maybe they aren't my friends. I only have 1 person I tell all about my life, and that's Brett. He's the only one that gets to see everything, and that i don't have a guard up for.
I guess there are levels when it comes to that. I have other close friends, but I still wouldn't tell them everything. Is it bad that i reserve everything just for 1 person? Is this even normal?
Anyhow, the fight started about ordering A LA Carte or Banquet for this dinner club thing we do. Now i'm considering not even going. I only ever went because Brett does and enjoys it, and also to see these people that i considered friends. Now i'm not so sure i want to sit around and eat with a bunch of people who don't seem to give a hoot about me either way. I don't really want to stay home while Brett goes out for dinner without me either though. I like going out for dinner, I guess I just don't really want to go out for dinner with these people anymore. To top it off I feel confused about whether or not I'm right to feel a tiny bit let down because Brett said i was getting worked up for nothing.
I also sent the person in question a private message, apologising that things got out of hand. They haven't replied to me or anything, so I assume that means " go fuck yourself". I wish I hadn't apologised now, and i don't really know why I did, considering I wasn't the one name calling, or making a personal attack.
Anyway, I feel very wary of other people now. I don't particularly feel like I can trust anyone. Which is sad, because my whole life I have always jumped feet first into friendships and never been suspicious of other people, and wondered if they really want to be my friend or not. Over the last few years I have begun to doubt friendships though, but have still taken chances and trusted people. Now I don't feel like I can even do that. It makes me afraid that i wont ever really make any new friends again, because i'll always distance myself from them, which sucks a big one. :(