The explanation of it all
If I could just look into your eyes one more time, I would know just how it feels for everything to be right again. You're in my dreams, you're in my heart, you're in my very soul and beyond what I could ever describe in words, spoken or written. You will always be my one and only. My heart will always beat for you and you alone. When I look at what I have become I am disgusted, I am nothing like I was when I had you in my life, I am a vile and heartless creature. Without you I am void of love, of the strength that it brings, of the hope, of the compassion. Without you I am nothing...I am truly nothing. You will never in a million lifetimes read this, nor do I dare to dream that you would. But...if you did I would want you to know that I love you. I love every rain drop kiss, every warm embrace...I love the feel of your nose against mine, I live your smile, your eyes...the sound of your sweet angelic voice...you are like nothing I have ever been a part of before, and like nothing I will ever experience again. I no longer no longer know love because I no longer know you. There is still time to be together again, though I do not know when that time will be...the future perhaps, or beyond. Either way, I'm lost...I miss you...and I love you. I never meant to hurt you, though the loss of you has turned my entire world upside down. I am restless, I stink, I am weak and alone...I'm not quite alive, nor am I yet dead. I've spent years looking for someone to make me feel the way that you do, so that I could be happy again, so that I could just...not need you. It's been years, and that hasn't happened. I haven't met someone who could care more about me than you did, nor someone who understood me half as well. Don't get me wrong though, I don't trust you, I'm scared of you, and a part of me is sick thinking of you, and the things you do with other people. But, I'm just as sickened at what I became, at the drinking, and the sluts I talked to, at the people I tried so hard to make into some tainted image of you. But no one can be you, and I can never be who I was ever again. People wonder why I say "I quit" but if this doesn't explain that, then nothing will. And, the hardest part is, simply...waiting, alone. I wait for you, I realize, because no one else is you. And, in the meantime I wonder who you're with, and if you still care...if you'll ever call, because you know I never will. You know that, as you put it, I'll "understand some day" and that you still love me, because you said you did and I believe you. So, I'm going to continue to rip myself apart, wonder, and carry feelings like these around with me, while at the same time trying to find someone to love instead of loving you...though I could never stop loving you. The options I have are few, and so I choose to look for a cheap imitation, because to have the real thing is more than I deserve, yet at the same time what I pushed for harder than I have ever tried for in my entire life. I still think about some things sometimes...but anymore it's so vague...like it never even happened...and that scares me. I quit because there is nothing more I can do...yet I know I can never let go.