My turn on the emotional roller coaster, I guess.
Panic, guilt, various bits of anger aimed both inward and outward...all such fun things to have when I'm trying to get ready for bed and I'm all alone with my thoughts. :/
The panic was brought on earlier tonight at a local Magic: the Gathering tournament. People were taking interest in a match I was in, gathered around the table to watch, and....well, I don't do well with being crowded around, especially when people whooping and hollering over plays they liked was added to the mix. Heavy crowds and loud noise are two things I, apparently, just cannot handle.
I genuinely had to forfeit the match and evacuate the building.
The guilt came from a few places, most recently an email I got roughly half an hour ago from the fraternity I'm part of. We were supposed to be taking a tour of the FedEx complex next Saturday, but they had to reschedule it at almost literally the last minute to tomorrow, the same day I and the others are supposed to be starting our Undertale voice-over. The tour will be starting around 1 PM local time...the recording's supposed to start at 2. So now I'm wracked with feelings of being responsible for the Undertale session not starting on time because I feel like I can't afford to not go to the FedEx thing, since it's an opportunity to get my foot in the door in a potential aviation-based career, make connections, and basically better my own future. I want to do the Undertale thing and entertain people, but I need to go to this for my own sake, and AAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Another bit of guilt I'm feeling involves my best, longest-known friend. He just recently have a break-up, and what am I doing? Getting an art commission from his ex. I feel like a complete dick for it, like I'm siding with her over him or something, like I'm betraying the best friend I've ever had.
The anger's....multifaceted. Part of me is pissed at myself because it feels I'm responsible for all this. Part of me's pissed at myself for feeling responsible for things I'm consciously aware of not needing to. Part of me's pissed at myself for daring to be going through all this when my friends are clearly having a rougher time of it than I am, so what right do I have to bitch?
Part of me's pissed my fraternity, FedEx, and fate for tossing a monkey wrench in plans we had for bringing entertainment and joy into people's lives. Part of me's just a mix of pissed and scared because I still haven't quite come down off the panic attack from earlier...haven't really had an opportunity to.
I genuinely want to just break down and cry right now, to be entirely honest...and for some reason I can't. I try to get the tears going, and it feels like they're stuck at the back of my throat. I try to opt for screaming instead, but that same feeling clogs my voice.
Typing all this and venting through written word seems to have helped a bit...the subconscious feelings are still there, but the physical tension and anguish are fading. Now I've just got an overall feeling of exhaustion, like I've got a dead battery.
...Brain's finally shutting up about all this. Thank God. Maybe it'll let me fall asleep at my desk and have something of a night's sleep. Hell, maybe it'll even give me just enough energy to toss myself about 2 feet to my right and onto my bed.
...I'm gonna shut up now. It's taking too much effort to even type straight.