My Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates - Yup, It Looks Like Shit
I’m very depressed right now, and I mean VERY depressed. No, I’m not feeling suicidal or anything but, damn! My life is so fucking fucked up! I fucking suck! I love horses, I really do, and I can do all sorts of groundwork with them but as soon as my foot touches that stirrup I’m a nervous wreck and can’t do diddily dick! Spot’s going to waste and
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Speaking of which, I suck at showing. I've never gotten higher than fifth in speed events, the only reason I got a second and third in my English 4-H classes this year is because I was in the beginner group, and we're not even going to go there with showmanship and pleasure classes. Yet still I subject myself to the humiliating torture of the arena. Why? I'm not exactly sure. Maybe it's masochism or the fact that I like all the at home riding that leads to the arena. I suspect it's a mix of both, but I can say some of my best times in the saddle were as far from the arena as earthly possible. So what if everyone is winning ribbons, saddles and trophies at the big competitions? I get to brag about how I rode Smoky in the round pen till like 9 pm, just screwing around and having the time of my life or how I got Chance to move and feel like a dressage horse after only a limited time of riding him under english. Who needs a shiny piece of ribbon anyways? I mean, I can probably buy one at the craft store for a dollar, if that, and save the additional seven it would cost me to just enter a class in a show, and even then there's no guarantee that I'll get a shiny ribbon!
As for 4-H, the best example you can set is by sticking with it. Doing well with horses- whether your goal is an emotionally satisfying ride or recognition -it's all about blood, sweat and tears borne of determination. You might win or you might not, but if I were one of those kids I'd look up to you for simply giving your all. If you can't bring yourself to ride at a show, just do a showmanship class. At least you'll still be there to set an example, whether you win or not, and you'll be there for the kids too, whether or not it's helping with tack, memorizing patterns or just being supportive. I doubt anyone will remember at the end of the year how many ribbons you won, but rather how many people you helped.
If you do decide it's best to sell Spot, I really do hope it all works out well and you are happy with your desicion. I wish I was up there in Canada to actually help you! But alas, I'm stuck in Colorado so you'll just have to accept a big ol' *GLOMP*.
But instead of a cow, maybe you should consider using the money from selling Spot to buy another horse. Maybe something real quiet, real easy and not young? That way you could continue riding and continue horses in general without feeling so insecure with a young horse. Spot is fantastic, but maybe you two aren't meant for each other. I dunno, just something to think about if and should it happen. If you come to realize horses/riding just don't appeal to you anymore, I hope you do find something that makes you inexplicably happy.
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