My Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates - Yup, It Looks Like Shit

[xappyxtrailsx]

I’m very depressed right now, and I mean VERY depressed. No, I’m not feeling suicidal or anything but, damn! My life is so fucking fucked up! I fucking suck! I love horses, I really do, and I can do all sorts of groundwork with them but as soon as my foot touches that stirrup I’m a nervous wreck and can’t do diddily dick! Spot’s going to waste and

Comments

*sniffs*

[xappyxtrailsx]

I know we weren't making feel bad intentionally, but how can I not envy you? You can go out there and enjoy yourself and you're never scared. Annie will rear, and buck, and be a general asshole and all you do is yell at her and if you fall off you laugh. Me? First little crow hop and I'm out of that saddle and leading the horse home. Above all else I want your courage. If I had your courage I wouldn't doubt my abilites to grow as a rider but I've got less courage as a fucking squirrel. What the Hell am I gunna do when I have to teach those juniors and pee-wees in 4-H? How can I teach these kids when I don't deserve to be looked upon as a scholar? I don't even think I'm a good teacher, I just wanted to be a junior leader because it would give me something to do. And what the Hell can I do for my creative horsemanship when I can't even ride?

And I almost can't believe that I seem closer to you than Alecia. I think our friendship is one of those that won't last. You're gunna go off to college and we'll loose contact and probably never see each other again. You and Annie will be taking home ribbons from all this high-end App shows while I'll be barely scraping through some crappy cow show, If I'm lucky. What future is there for me in horses?

And you have to be the first person who likes me for who I am. Sometimes I even wonder about Jessica and how close of a friend she is. She's never openly been angry at me, but does she ever talk behind my back? Does she spread rumors? It's so hard for me to trust people after going so many years with fair-weather friends and incessive teasing. Sometimes, truthfully, I'm not even sure about your friendship. I don't count Ainzli or Alix as friends, and certainly not Molly, and not because she's my sister, but because they are constantly bugging me. Like when you bug me to come out it's usually just gentle nagging and then you give up after a while, or I do, one of the two. But today, Ainzli was trying to get me to come out and she kept kicking me and she chased me downstairs. I'm starting to feel better now, but I have a feeling I'll still be depressed tomorrow...I wish we could talk face to face Kris, this is so informal, but that's hard to do I guess...but thanks for being there for me, it means a lot to me.

Re: *sniffs*

[kriskabelle]

You bastard! You've got me freaking crying... I hate that. LoL... I'm sorry if I sounded like Dr. Phil.. I just want you to see what I do. And seriously... I do feel closer to you than Alecia. You're more like me than you realize. You're the one that got me riding... you're the one that helped me train Annie. And I'll never forget that. There's no way that I'm going off to College somewhere and just completely forgetting about you. You're crazy if you think that. Well... crazier than I thought at least.

It's ok if you doubt my friendship... I can be a bitch sometimes. The nagging, the bitchiness, the mood-swings... I don't even know how you can stand me, never mind me putting up with you. I guess we were just made to be friends, eh??

I'm glad that we can't talk face to face right now... I don't want you to hear me crying. LoL... when did I turn into such a sissy? Whatever you do, everything will be fine. Seriously, when I see you tomorrow, I'm giving you a big hug. But not in school though... that's just creepy. No offense or anything... but people hugging in the halls has always creeped me out. LoL... I love you, and it will always be that way.

*hugs*

[xappyxtrailsx]

I'm crying too, so don't feel too bad. *weak laugh* And when I look at it I see we are a lot alike and, though we have very different interests we do get along amazingly well. And I don't think I really helped that much with Annie, you did most of it yourself and I'm incredibly glad you did so well with her. I'm also envious, but I'm sure you've realized I envy you a lot. When it comes to horses I wish I were more like you Kris, but one of you is more than enough for this world.

As for my putting up with you, like you said, we're a lot a like. I've said it before, you're like the big sister I never had. I look up to you a lot, and everybody can be bitchy and nagging, including myself. And, when you look at it from the right perspective, it would seem that we were meant to be friends.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one getting emotional, and you're not the only sissy. You would never believe how often I break down into tears for the smallest things. And yeah, hugging in the halls is creepy. Heh. *hugs* I luvs you too Krissy, you mean a lot to me and I'm gunna miss the Hell out of you when you go off to college.