Where the kitty??
Looking at that date it astounds me how long it has been! I have changed so incredibly much the last 17 months I'm hardly the same person I used to be. That and I think it's time to 'declassify' an entry I had written last September so that others can read of it and know more of my transformation.
Anyways, that said. In the past year and a half it has seen me in something like three or four different apartments (still living in Phoenix area though now it's in a townhouse in Tempe) and through a relationship (that lasted all of two months.. my record is three so far though that one was a rough one to be sure.. never have I met a more close-minded and difficult person as he turned out to be... but he was in my life to be a catalyzing agent) and through an almost one and finally into one that, after talking for a 100 hours inside of a month and a volley of book-sized emails and having had him over here for a bit over a week has pretty much solidified what was merely speculation.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Memory still eludes me for the most part (working on that) but basically the crux is this: I have gotten things together to the extent that nothing really bothers me anymore. Loneliness is a thing of the past (achieved largely on my own) and I'm now in life for the purpose of growing and exploring. I have found life to be a great deal more enjoyable than I had previously thought it to be. And it was nature who had shown me these things. For a greater understanding, read the journal entry in the month of Sept 08 (the only one in that month). Anyhow, I have seen some friends go and have found new friends and some I haven't seen in a decade or more have reconnected with me. I'm very happy about that especially with a girl I had gone to highschool with. Turns out she has gone through a very rough past as well as it had honed her spirit so that she is now a very strong person and a very beautiful one at that. When I had visited my parents in MI last xmas, I spent a night over at her place and we talked into the wee hours of the morning about all manner of things. Went through a couple yearbooks and while the faces and names were familiar, they were somewhat alien as well. Those people were known by someone no longer living that resided in this body. All the memories and the like are here, but it's all so different now. She also ended up being the first female I shared pleasure with in a physically intimate sense in three years. I've basically realized that while I call myself gay, I am actually bisexual but so close to being gay that I just say I am. I enjoy the company of females as friends but I think Shae (which is what she calls herself now... like I call myself Xao since the person known as "Eric" no longer lives) is one that I shall share pleasure with in that way. We are as sisters, in a sense, just that one of those sisters happens to have different biological equipment. I love her dearly in this sense and look forward to getting to know her better.
I have done much walking since moving to this townhouse. Lots to see and since I've attained greater clarity (thank the gods for mushies), I have more to contemplate. I have had conversations with my inner kitten paying attention to his needs and the feelings letting them help guide my way. Oh, I have also rediscovered things I had thought long lost. Some of them I may have to write about another time as I like to keep close-to-vest those things I'm not yet confident in (saves on the debates which isn't healthy for a newly emergent belief system still in the process of coalescing into something strong.. when THAT happens, then the debates can happen as I will have a more solid base upon which to stand as well as experiences to back it up).
This newly elected president finds me with cautious optimism as I've heard various things (his arrival has triggered a deep-seated fear I had that the christians might be right and he might be the antichrist. charismatic, the champion of hte people, etc... but then, what does it matter? From what I've found, the inevitable progression is towards light... towards unity. Anything negative or against that has a very limited shelf-life now) but we'll see how things play out. With 2012 so close by, so much is likely to happen. Bush was the last great push by the illuminati, I think, before their kind is overthrown by the will of the people (by "people" I refer not just to humanity but to ALL life on Earth. She is alive, you know. Sentient too and seeks balance. Balance will be had one way or another)
So I'm feeling rather hopeful right now. Beyond that, I focus on the day-to-day things, reading up on things such as healing (which I feel strongly is the path I am meant to follow and one that I feel a strong desire to) as well as massage therapy. As seems to be the case with most felines, I -LOVE- touch (can I emphasize that any more than that?) so what better career choice to make than one that involves touching others and energetically healing them?
Day to day things: Having deep meaningful conversations with the friends I live with and those I know online.
Oh! I think it best to mention one thing in particular that has become rather significant in my life. It starts, as with many things, as a intial probe. A question put forth through email. The start of a dialogue. I received a message from someone on Yiffstar where I had written in my profile how I wish to bridge the gap between sexuality and spirituality in myself. So someone had responded and said they would be interested in talking more about that. It had gone from there immediately to email since I find email much more easier to communicate through than the various online services that exist. Well, that and sometimes IM but it's easier to set aside an email for a time than to excuse one from a conversation via IM. Anyways, email communications between myself and this person grew longer and longer until it was a book we had sent back and forth. This had led eventually to multiple phone conversation averaging something like 3-5 hours a night (in one month we had spoken 100 hours or so). I gradually got to know him better.. well.. not so much gradually as quickly I suppose. Long story short, after much conversation and getting to know one another and a visit by him to our townhouse for a bit over a week and (one BIG thing I had always hoped about a potential mate) getting along VERY well with my friends (they love him), I feel confident now to say that I have crossed paths with someone who is very likely going to be sharing my life. We are compatible in every way... romantically (wow.. now THERE was something I had thought dead and gone to me.. but nope, it's still there thankfully), spiritually (he seeks growth within and to understand what is around him.. and the illusion that people collectively call 'reality'), mentally (boy the wordplay we enjoy and the mental acrobatics.. its' SO refreshing!), sexually (I am so lucky I met someone that not only wants to top but also wants to be dominant in this area... I'm more than happy to let him as I enjoy being dominated AND he's very interested in exploring the various areas of sexuality including that which is tantric), emotionally (very sensitive guy who is able to cry... maybe someday so will I), and in many many other ways. You may have heard of the Law of Attraction... I have two words about that: It works. Oh gods does it work! They're right, you work on yourself, explore who you are get to love yourself and who and what you are and attracting others is easy. What to say? That comes naturally especially if you are attuned to your intuition.
I've opted for a feminine path to spirituality feeling that is more strong within me than is the masculine. In that, he is my counterpart. Among other things, I shall become a shaman (a wild woman?). As I might have said before, I feel strongly I am female in a male body. Not trapped, mind you. I am happily in this form (and I've grown to rather enjoy it a lot) and seek no alterations to it... well, I do plan on getting a tattoo at some point. Probably a butterfly on my right ankle though whether inside or out I am not yet sure. Probably outside since it'll be more viewable. The butterfly symbolizes rebirth as what i was before was the larval/caterpillar stage.. then a period of isolation and no communication where I was a pupae... now I have spread my wings and they have almost dried. This can be applied to the dragon within as well. I am no longer a freshly-hatched hatchling for my wings are almost dry and I am almost ready to fly.
That reminds me, for those that remember Synge, some of what I am today is thanks to him. While I deeply regret the pain and suffering I had put him through, he did me a wonderful service in helping me work out my issues and for that I am eternally grateful. If anyone who reads this still keeps in touch with him, please pass that on to him, ok? I want him to know that he has had a very positive influence on me and that I thank him and that I love him... not in the needy/clingy way I used to, but in a more expansive sense now like I love everyone who has been in my life in one form or another. Perhaps someday, if he hasn't already, he can forgive me. I have found forgiveness is a balm for the forgiver's soul. It is to let go of the past and move on so that the energy doesn't fester and grow stagnate but is, instead, allowed to flow. I hope he has found his love in the ocean and continues to do what he loves. He was a very special friend and one I think I had a special contract with that was drawn up before we incarnated. There are not many like that, but I have begun recognizing them even retroactively.
Oh, one last thing about Jace (that is the name of my love), he also challenges me in the realms of intimacy (ever since Synge I never let anyone close to me emotionally but arms-length) and in terms of love. I'm not sure where this wave is going to take me, but I will ride it to its conclusion and then, when it has subsided, I shall take my bearings and move in another direction suited to my growth as a spirit and as an explorer of things seen and unseen. In all likelihood, Jace will be with me and we shall explore the wonders of the universe together with my friends.
Life has become very good. There is an infinite number of reasons to live and to spread love. As I've become more aware, I've found that the real measure of a person is not in how much they own or what their status is or anything like that. It's how much we love. It is the appreciation of all things beautiful (even those in the lowly areas where others despise.. a place water can go.. the main element of mine) because, ultimately, all things are beautiful. All people (again, my own definition here not the conventional one) and things. Someone (I forget who offpaw) said "There is no good or evil but thinking makes it so." And I quite agree with that.
Much love to all who read this and to those who don't. I will write again sometime. When I do not know, but it will be when spirit moves me to do so again when the time is appropriate and when I have something worth writing to say.
*Hugs to everyone*
Xao
Anyways, that said. In the past year and a half it has seen me in something like three or four different apartments (still living in Phoenix area though now it's in a townhouse in Tempe) and through a relationship (that lasted all of two months.. my record is three so far though that one was a rough one to be sure.. never have I met a more close-minded and difficult person as he turned out to be... but he was in my life to be a catalyzing agent) and through an almost one and finally into one that, after talking for a 100 hours inside of a month and a volley of book-sized emails and having had him over here for a bit over a week has pretty much solidified what was merely speculation.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Memory still eludes me for the most part (working on that) but basically the crux is this: I have gotten things together to the extent that nothing really bothers me anymore. Loneliness is a thing of the past (achieved largely on my own) and I'm now in life for the purpose of growing and exploring. I have found life to be a great deal more enjoyable than I had previously thought it to be. And it was nature who had shown me these things. For a greater understanding, read the journal entry in the month of Sept 08 (the only one in that month). Anyhow, I have seen some friends go and have found new friends and some I haven't seen in a decade or more have reconnected with me. I'm very happy about that especially with a girl I had gone to highschool with. Turns out she has gone through a very rough past as well as it had honed her spirit so that she is now a very strong person and a very beautiful one at that. When I had visited my parents in MI last xmas, I spent a night over at her place and we talked into the wee hours of the morning about all manner of things. Went through a couple yearbooks and while the faces and names were familiar, they were somewhat alien as well. Those people were known by someone no longer living that resided in this body. All the memories and the like are here, but it's all so different now. She also ended up being the first female I shared pleasure with in a physically intimate sense in three years. I've basically realized that while I call myself gay, I am actually bisexual but so close to being gay that I just say I am. I enjoy the company of females as friends but I think Shae (which is what she calls herself now... like I call myself Xao since the person known as "Eric" no longer lives) is one that I shall share pleasure with in that way. We are as sisters, in a sense, just that one of those sisters happens to have different biological equipment. I love her dearly in this sense and look forward to getting to know her better.
I have done much walking since moving to this townhouse. Lots to see and since I've attained greater clarity (thank the gods for mushies), I have more to contemplate. I have had conversations with my inner kitten paying attention to his needs and the feelings letting them help guide my way. Oh, I have also rediscovered things I had thought long lost. Some of them I may have to write about another time as I like to keep close-to-vest those things I'm not yet confident in (saves on the debates which isn't healthy for a newly emergent belief system still in the process of coalescing into something strong.. when THAT happens, then the debates can happen as I will have a more solid base upon which to stand as well as experiences to back it up).
This newly elected president finds me with cautious optimism as I've heard various things (his arrival has triggered a deep-seated fear I had that the christians might be right and he might be the antichrist. charismatic, the champion of hte people, etc... but then, what does it matter? From what I've found, the inevitable progression is towards light... towards unity. Anything negative or against that has a very limited shelf-life now) but we'll see how things play out. With 2012 so close by, so much is likely to happen. Bush was the last great push by the illuminati, I think, before their kind is overthrown by the will of the people (by "people" I refer not just to humanity but to ALL life on Earth. She is alive, you know. Sentient too and seeks balance. Balance will be had one way or another)
So I'm feeling rather hopeful right now. Beyond that, I focus on the day-to-day things, reading up on things such as healing (which I feel strongly is the path I am meant to follow and one that I feel a strong desire to) as well as massage therapy. As seems to be the case with most felines, I -LOVE- touch (can I emphasize that any more than that?) so what better career choice to make than one that involves touching others and energetically healing them?
Day to day things: Having deep meaningful conversations with the friends I live with and those I know online.
Oh! I think it best to mention one thing in particular that has become rather significant in my life. It starts, as with many things, as a intial probe. A question put forth through email. The start of a dialogue. I received a message from someone on Yiffstar where I had written in my profile how I wish to bridge the gap between sexuality and spirituality in myself. So someone had responded and said they would be interested in talking more about that. It had gone from there immediately to email since I find email much more easier to communicate through than the various online services that exist. Well, that and sometimes IM but it's easier to set aside an email for a time than to excuse one from a conversation via IM. Anyways, email communications between myself and this person grew longer and longer until it was a book we had sent back and forth. This had led eventually to multiple phone conversation averaging something like 3-5 hours a night (in one month we had spoken 100 hours or so). I gradually got to know him better.. well.. not so much gradually as quickly I suppose. Long story short, after much conversation and getting to know one another and a visit by him to our townhouse for a bit over a week and (one BIG thing I had always hoped about a potential mate) getting along VERY well with my friends (they love him), I feel confident now to say that I have crossed paths with someone who is very likely going to be sharing my life. We are compatible in every way... romantically (wow.. now THERE was something I had thought dead and gone to me.. but nope, it's still there thankfully), spiritually (he seeks growth within and to understand what is around him.. and the illusion that people collectively call 'reality'), mentally (boy the wordplay we enjoy and the mental acrobatics.. its' SO refreshing!), sexually (I am so lucky I met someone that not only wants to top but also wants to be dominant in this area... I'm more than happy to let him as I enjoy being dominated AND he's very interested in exploring the various areas of sexuality including that which is tantric), emotionally (very sensitive guy who is able to cry... maybe someday so will I), and in many many other ways. You may have heard of the Law of Attraction... I have two words about that: It works. Oh gods does it work! They're right, you work on yourself, explore who you are get to love yourself and who and what you are and attracting others is easy. What to say? That comes naturally especially if you are attuned to your intuition.
I've opted for a feminine path to spirituality feeling that is more strong within me than is the masculine. In that, he is my counterpart. Among other things, I shall become a shaman (a wild woman?). As I might have said before, I feel strongly I am female in a male body. Not trapped, mind you. I am happily in this form (and I've grown to rather enjoy it a lot) and seek no alterations to it... well, I do plan on getting a tattoo at some point. Probably a butterfly on my right ankle though whether inside or out I am not yet sure. Probably outside since it'll be more viewable. The butterfly symbolizes rebirth as what i was before was the larval/caterpillar stage.. then a period of isolation and no communication where I was a pupae... now I have spread my wings and they have almost dried. This can be applied to the dragon within as well. I am no longer a freshly-hatched hatchling for my wings are almost dry and I am almost ready to fly.
That reminds me, for those that remember Synge, some of what I am today is thanks to him. While I deeply regret the pain and suffering I had put him through, he did me a wonderful service in helping me work out my issues and for that I am eternally grateful. If anyone who reads this still keeps in touch with him, please pass that on to him, ok? I want him to know that he has had a very positive influence on me and that I thank him and that I love him... not in the needy/clingy way I used to, but in a more expansive sense now like I love everyone who has been in my life in one form or another. Perhaps someday, if he hasn't already, he can forgive me. I have found forgiveness is a balm for the forgiver's soul. It is to let go of the past and move on so that the energy doesn't fester and grow stagnate but is, instead, allowed to flow. I hope he has found his love in the ocean and continues to do what he loves. He was a very special friend and one I think I had a special contract with that was drawn up before we incarnated. There are not many like that, but I have begun recognizing them even retroactively.
Oh, one last thing about Jace (that is the name of my love), he also challenges me in the realms of intimacy (ever since Synge I never let anyone close to me emotionally but arms-length) and in terms of love. I'm not sure where this wave is going to take me, but I will ride it to its conclusion and then, when it has subsided, I shall take my bearings and move in another direction suited to my growth as a spirit and as an explorer of things seen and unseen. In all likelihood, Jace will be with me and we shall explore the wonders of the universe together with my friends.
Life has become very good. There is an infinite number of reasons to live and to spread love. As I've become more aware, I've found that the real measure of a person is not in how much they own or what their status is or anything like that. It's how much we love. It is the appreciation of all things beautiful (even those in the lowly areas where others despise.. a place water can go.. the main element of mine) because, ultimately, all things are beautiful. All people (again, my own definition here not the conventional one) and things. Someone (I forget who offpaw) said "There is no good or evil but thinking makes it so." And I quite agree with that.
Much love to all who read this and to those who don't. I will write again sometime. When I do not know, but it will be when spirit moves me to do so again when the time is appropriate and when I have something worth writing to say.
*Hugs to everyone*
Xao